The Devils Payroll

You scared me mate with that made up post of yours. I have already read about three blips in the last couple of days and could not cope with another one.

It does go to show the massive contrasts in the life of someone who has suffered a major blip and someone who has had a good day.

Don't ever turn this made up story into a true one, will you?

And how's your head this morning?!

GT

Sorry to scare you, I have a real self destructive side so I have these kind of thoughts playing about in my head all the time, sometimes its good to get them out before they explode.

Had a bit of a blown last night as per my last post but only with the booze, decided to treat myself and get some good whiskey as Talisker was on special offer 🙂 Head felt fine this morning.

Will be happy to see the next check in date and get this month over with, payday loan I took out has been cleared off now but leaving me lacking in money but glad its out the way plus the less money I have the less likely I feel to gamble. 24 hours and I have navigated payday weekend which is usually when I go loopy and blow all my money as I always feel I have loads of money and can splash out a bit. Hence why I decided on the good whiskey last night even though I can't really afford it, felt good to treat myself without resorting to gambling. Not that I am planning on swapping addictions but I like a little tipple at the weekend.

...hiya Rob...just popping in before I go to meeting to say glad your heads ok...

Absolutely right about getting those thoughts out before they explode....I am the biggest advocate of that....have a good evening and glad your ok..keep posting..keep in the now...

gone.

anyone who read that don't worry I will be OK.

hi Rob....I did read your post this morning but needed and intended to reply tonight after work ....just wanted to say that I hope your word "gone" applies to the deleted post on here and not to you personally...

Keep posting Rob and using your diary...I have no doubt you will be ok but what about the times when your not?....

Take care now ..Rach

Hi Rach

Yes it applied to my deleted post not me going anyway, going to be around for a bit yet. Its the first time I have edited a post after clicking send, I am normally very editorial and reserved while I am writing but once clicking send let it be. Last night I just let things out without censoring myself. I feel I should of left the post as it was now so I have included it at the end of this current entry.

Better than I was yesterday, complete schizo at the moment. Up and down emotionally from hour to hour almost, this week has been a struggle. I have to say not gambling wise, I don't have any big desires to gamble but I do have big desires of self-harm. Much of my post I deleted last night was about that. Seems like I remove the thing I used the most to beat myself up with so I start looking in other places to do it. In fact the only desires I have had of gambling are that it would be less physically harmful to me than what I am doing now and it might be best to fall back into familiar patterns. Obviously its not the method of self harm but the reason why that needs to be addressed.

Have I made myself this way through gambling or have I always been like this and gambling has just been my weapon of choice? I am falling in the latter camp at the moment but I am sure they are both comfortable bed fellows.

Deleted post :

Reached over a month gamble free and this is when the depression kicks in big style. Very down at the moment and starting to eat and drink excessively. Overeating is effecting my health, I have a bowel disorder which flares up if I shove too much cr** down me and I really suffer in the mornings. Struggling to get into work on time because of this and when I do I make as little contact and do as little work as possible. When I was really ill just over a year ago and was getting lots of tests done, not even sure what was wrong I was too terrified to gamble and it was the last thing on my mind. I took my health for granted and did everything at the time to get well, now I am not just neglecting it but purposely damaging it. I feel the pressure building in me and know something will snap soon, something is wrong with me and I really don't know what to do or where to turn. Fact that's a lie, I know of things I can do but I don't want too. I want to damage myself, hurt myself, I see the air starting to turn black and choose to do nothing.

Hiya Rob..wanted to really think about your post before I just wrote back on spec....Well done on being gamble free firstly...your doing really well.... when we stop any compulsive behaviour we are left with the feelings we had before we started the behaviour. I know that you say you are drinking more and filling that void with something else and I am wondering if you are ready to maybe look at your drivers and the tension build ups and why or what you are beating yourself up about?...

I know from your posts that you value your health and this has been a shock for you to find that you became ill and had to go for tests etc...there is a saying that if you don't get rid of negative feelings.."your stomach keeps score"

...it is good that you got out those feelings on your post...don't edit or delete...no one will judge you or criticise...im sure when you have read some of the other posts you will see how we all take a big stick to ourselves and have feelings to sometimes self destruct...but those feelings pass and we come back up again...look back at your thread and you will see your pattern too..

Try not to let it get to the stage of the air turning black...may of asked this before but would it be worth chatting to your local gp? ...I have suffered with depression so know some of the feelings you express...even though we are all different we all sometimes need to accept some help and not try and self medicate...hope that makes sense hun ...take care..keep posting ..the good,bad and the ugly...one hour at a time or one minute if necessary....be willing to go to any lengths to get well....Rach x

A massive well done on reaching a month gamble free.

It isn't easy to change a habit of a lifetime. I know, as I am still coming to terms with having to live life without spending a single penny on gambling.

Stick with it, it will be worth it. Keep making all the right choices!

GT

OUCH. Fell over in the snow last night and hurt my back, ironically on the way to the pub and not on the way back. Sure as a mountain goat after a few drinks.

Overall feeling a lot calmer than last week. Need some positive actions at the moment. I don't really have any hobbies or interests I pursue, just come home and veg out in front of the TV. Do little socialising apart from one night of the week I meet up with friends at the pub. Well I do have one interest in playing guitar and making music but its been so long since I have put any kind of energy into it. I was always so critical of myself though, everything had to be the greatest and if it wasn't I would instantly dismiss it. Even with plenty of people telling me I am very talented I just couldn't believe it. Would be nice if I stopped worrying about giving John Lennon a run for his money and just enjoy it.

lol....on the way to the pub!....glad your feeling calmer Rob...if you need a singer..give me a shout ...great your into music and just great to do it for the laugh and for the joy of being creative as thats what its all about..

Like you say...enjoy it...hey!! .could post your band on youtube ..summer project

Thanks for popping in to my diary...and I am deffo on the up ..I'm also need to get back into what lights me up and start being creative again..your doing great staying gamble free and I reckon you are being well modest with your talent as guitarist and should let yourself come centre stage and shine!!!....

take care....look out for ya on you tube!!!..keep posting Rob

Hi Rob,

you sound like your own worst critic! we are rubbish at being kind to ourselves aren't we? seem to drive ourselves to gambling with all the expectations we have of ourselves.

I reckon you could replace the buzz of gambling with getting up and performing your music - maybe you could try a buskers night if you have one near you? less pressure then, and more about just having a bash at it : )

Good idea of dotty's with youtube!

Hope you have a good week mate, and well done on getting back on the horse - you are doing great!

Take care,

f x

Hi Rob,

After reading your posts they are getting more positive which is great,but i also feel that you could really do with talking through your feelings of self harm,its something i mentioned on my diary the other day.As well as escaping from emotional pain i used it(gambling) as a form of self harm just like the release of actual self harm if that makes sense.

If people are telling you you are good at something for you the guitar then try and believe them.

Your really starting to open up on your diary and do i see a sense of humor coming through:0)Your doing brillantly atm Rob be proud of yourself for what your achieving.

Hope the backs ok after your fall.

Stay Strong and be positive.

E xx

Wake up call at work today. Had a review of sorts, recently gone from a contractor to full time and they are not happy with my performance over the past two months. All the poor timekeeping, locking myself away and not talking to my colleagues and the general I couldn't give a d**n attitude has set the alarm bells ringing.

They couldn't understand why I had gone from someone who did a great job to this lay about and wanted answers. I got asked if I was on drugs or if I have an alcohol problem. My boss studied sports psychologist and said I had all the signs of substance abuse/addiction. To be honest they were concerned as much as they were disappointed/angry in my current performance. Why couldn't I just come out and tell them whats been happening to me. I just said I was feeling a bit down and off it, they are referring me to Occupational Health. Feel like I am cheating them in not telling them the truth, feel like I am cheating myself. Believe I am going to have to make some hard choices in the next couple of days and start getting this out in the open more. Not something I am looking forward too but feel at this point its a necessary step and I can't put it off any longer. Scared.

In a good mood but would like some consistency. At the moment as soon as I feel better something seems to knock me down again.

Not told the boss as they weren't in the office today, hopefully tomorrow. Weird walking around at work and started getting paranoid that everyone knows about my problem and have all read this diary. Felt like everyone was giving me looks, sure its not the case. But I thought what if they do. no place to hide then it felt quite liberating. Either that or my fly was open, not quite the liberation I am seeking.