The Devils Payroll

hiya Rob..think its a good idea to see Occ Health and by the tone of your posts you are being more open and less isolated which is great to see...your last two posts seem lighter as if a weight is about to be lifted......its all good and heading in the right direction....

I notice your sense of humour there too..lol.... for me the real turning point in my recovery came when I started telling people the truth...dropping my pride and allowing myself to be helped.

My humour is also coming back..also my passions like music and film etc..

Have a good feeling that this is going to be a turning point for you too Rob....keep posting and walking the walk .....Rach and Dot.....your doing really well .........

Hi Rob,

Blimey, you are going through the mill a bit aren't you? I am glad you shared what is happening on here.

There are loads of positives in the situation - your boss obviously knows that you are a good employee, and that if your work is going downhill there must be a good reason. That shows they are concerned and want to help you. Being referred to occupational health is a really good thing. It means you can tell a health professional the truth, in private. They can offer counselling or general support, and your manager does not have to find out.

I was referred when I had a lot of time off with anxiety. I told the nurse what had been happening over the past 6 - 12 months and she was like "well no wonder you have been anxious" she was happy that the problem had been resolved, and I was just dealing with the fallout. They see stuff like this every day. Perhaps they will even offer you counselling, which might help you work through this.

I can understand the paranoia etc. but this will blow over. It will do you a favour telling occupational health, because the fact there is a good reason for the change in your behaviour means that your job will be safer.

Take care and keep posting!

f x

Hi

Just read your diary from start to finish.

Imagine this, I am sitting on a train with iPad, reading smiles diary and read your comment about stockings ,started laughing so loud , people were tutting at me, it's all your fault.

That prompted me to read your diary, you have a great sense of humor, more than once I was chucking away quietly this time.

I am not going to offer you advice or what ever . I just wanted to say thank you, I know it surprises you that your diary supports others but it brightened my day.

Hope your day is struggle free,

Dusty

Rach, certainly feel better than I have for a good few months. The humour is starting to bubble up again and I have quite a mischievous sense of humour lol

Freda, Yes I am hoping I get help through Occ health and feel fairly confident I shouldn't have any issues with work. I feel a bit less nervous coming forward now I am a good month into recovery so hoping things can carry on moving forward. Nice to know someone has gone through same thing in the work place, like you said I imagine its pretty common.

Dusty, good job you didn't see the home video I am not sure I could take the responsibility of your reaction lol. Glad I was able to put a smile on your face.

Meet with the boss tomorrow. Can hopefully clear the air and gave him some answers and put something in place going forward far as occ health/counselling if its offered. Everyones comments and support have really helped over the past couple of days. Thank you gamcare colleagues 🙂

sending good thoughts for you tomorrow with your Boss Rob..take all us cyberfriends with you in your pocket...your not alone hun... Stay strong xx Rach n Dotty xx

Ah ,

you are a canny lad rob, and anyone would have felt chewed about it - you are handling it great.

Hope it goes well today mate,

f x

Told the boss and supervisor and went as well as I could of hoped. Full of support and just want to help me get back to my old self. Kind of shocked them at the same time as they didn't expect gambling, in fact because it was me that called the meeting they were half expecting me to hand my notice in. Last thing I want to do, enjoying my work and enjoy the people I work with. I have had some rubbish jobs and even a long period of no job in the past so count my blessings. Need to start working hard again and I should be fine. Still getting referred to occ health so will be interesting to see what advice or support they are able to offer.

So next step, telling the parents. This one is going to be harder. I know they have sensed something wrong recently and I get asked if I am gambling again, to which I lie and say no. Time to grow some and go tell them the truth, no time like the present right?

Well if I wasn't such a gutless wonder. The thing stopping me and I am most worried about is if my mum comes clean too. Over the past couple of years her gambling has accelerated, all online bingo sites and the such. I had my suspicions for awhile and a couple of months ago I managed to see the contains of one of her online accounts, hundreds of pounds gambled within hours on the online slots. The slots, the things I started on when I was 18 and upto a month a bit ago I was still playing. I think she has stopped her online as basically I have blocked her laptop and blocked things at router/broadband level as well. She still goes the bingo and could be hammering the slots in there for all I know. More importantly she is still gambling, even if avoiding online or slots or whatever the amount of money I saw her lose on that account just signals to me she has a problem.

I have just not had the courage to face this and address it. I have hardly been able to do that with myself. The selfish part of me just thinks it cant cope with this but then its my mum I dont want her to go through everything I have. I know my dad wouldn't be able to cope if he found both of us gambling. Telling my boss was childs play compared to this.

I can see why I retreated to gambling to try and block all this out and why I hated myself for it, punishing myself because I can't help my mum?

Alot buzzing around my head at the moment but one thing I know, I don't want back in that gambling world. Things are going to be different, they already feel like they are. I will do whatever it takes to get my life started.

physically laughing out loud....How great is that film??..."Im preparing myself to forgive you"

My faves include:

"A pig just s**t in my head!"

May have to start a new Withnail quote diary to keep us all laughing when we are down....lol

Sorry for all the noise in your pocket today...we just couldn't get comfy..like sardines it was in there....!!! Hope it went well Rob....keep posting...keep up that wicked sense of humour.......xxx Rach n Dot

.....change down man...find your neutral space......!!!

just seen your post come in,......wow Rob..what a dilemma with your Mum...

Other people on here more experienced than me on that will no doubt post to you..but all I can say is well done and total respect for going into work and saying what you did.

For different reasons to you I was having probs in work last year..was'nt hitting targets etc questions asked...truth was I was burnt out..could'nt do the job..I went in..told em the truth..they were amazed at my honesty and then created a new role for me that didn't exsist before....You did good ...respect to you...

On your mum all I can say is get strong yourself first as you are doing....can you and mum join recovery forces? would she come on here? .....will leave it at that as just made up that you are coming through and having the courage to face things head on... amazing ....keep posting ....Rach and Dot....(its unconditional) xxx

Hi Rob,

I would say that although you love your mum - you are not responsible for her. We all know that a person has to accept they have a problem, and seek help themselves. Are you feeling confused about whether to bring her gambling into the open? I think if she is not ready to stop, she may just conceal it even more.

Perhaps rob, you can get yourself strong - show her that it can be done, then you may be in more of a position to help?

Focus on yourself mate, you have enough on your plate. It worries me that you are not giving yourself sufficient credit though... you do something incredibly difficult, coming clean at work - then refer to yourself as a gutless wonder!

No one is brave all of the time you did something very brave at work. You are far from gutless.

Please be a bit more compassionate to yourself, or I will have to come back and wave my finger at you!

Take care,

f x

Eventful week, gone from worrying about losing my job to feeling like I have a future and not feeling so alone.

Feel like I am slowly creeping out of the hole I have dug and catching the light through the cracks. Excited about the future for the first time in years and it feels d**n good. Don't want to get carried away and know there is a long way to go but I feel like I actually moving forward to go somewhere although I am not certain where that will be. Need to keep working hard, know how lows and depression can hit. Glad I have this diary and you all here. Thanks for listening.

Rob

Hoooowdy ho Rob....

Ah the endless possibilities of Withnail and I quotes....likewise my two passions are music and film..will check out that spotify you suggested although my ipad with predictive text has changed it to "spottily" w*f?

Love how your posts are so upbeat and how you are moving mountains and coming out on top...I feel that excitement is your real self coming back ..it was and still is for me..I was so lost for so long and now...Hoooooowdy Ho!! there is a big world to be explored..outer and inner .......with you through the ups and the downs Rob........no need to edit your posts ..just bash out the feelings on here the good the bad and the ugly....its unconditional...onwards and upwards...xx..

"I mean to have you ....even if it must be burglary!!" (classic Monty)........LOL

ps ..if your ever down and want a right laugh...go into Youtube and type in "Absolutely Frank Hovis" and click on "Tears.. Ken Dodd" and "Aargh Close to you."....lol

Very lazy day. No great revolutions. Stayed at home and watched lots of football, played guitar, listened to some great music, had a bacon sandwich had a couple of glasses of wine and watched a film. All very untasking and just happy to have a stress-free and relaxed day. Currently enjoying a glass of talisker whiskey, perfect for these cold winter nights. Hope everyone has had a great weekend. Take care xx

Sounds like a brilliant day.

But hey, how about some eggs to go with the bacon sandwich?!

That to me would have made it even more perfecter!

GT