The Devils Payroll

hope your still untasking Rob...have a good rest of your weekend x

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

Rachie and Dot

Sending Cyberhugs to you.....

Happy Valentines Day xxxx

Taking a break from myself and allowing everything to slow down. Alot has happened in the last two months internally and externally. Just need to put the breaks on my mind for awhile. Certainly not abandoning recovery and this diary but there is only so much soul searching and analysing I can do before I a look of bewilderment is carved into my face.

Been very busy at work which is great, allowed me to step up and show what I am capable of so thats been a big focus this week.

Looking forward to the weekend, going to York with friends. I cant really afford it and will need to borrow money, which I can back next payday. The sensible responsible side of says I should not borrow money and just sit at home as a lesson of consequence for a life of gambling. Stuff sensible, reckless all the way this weekend (obviously not in a gambling sense). cant wait.

You're right, not borrowing any more money really is the way forward. Borrowing money puts you under even more strain as not only you may have extra costs involved, you have to be able to cope with using all that "extra" money sensibly. I am so pleased to find myself in a position when I can easily say no each time I even think about having some "extra" money in the short term when in the past, I found it so easy to say yes.

You will benefit from this in the long term.

Don't stray away too far from these diaries, keep us updated with your progress, eh?

All the best,

GT

Back from York weekend, had an awesome time. Love York and feel comfortable there, shame its so d**n expensive because I could happily live there.

Was left to my own devices Saturday afternoon which normally would of meant find the nearest bookies. Went book shopping instead and got a Syd Barrett biography along with a Lenny Bruce book. Sat in a quiet pub with no TV/jukebox and no fruit machine! Had a couple of pints and was happy to watch the world go by and listen to the locals natter. Have to admit I did get a few thoughts of hitting the bookies and watching the Saturday racing, feel my choice was more entertaining.

Feel like I am in a much better place mentally at the moment.

Slowly we unfold

as lotus flowers.

glad you had a good time in York Rob...great city it is...particularly Bettys tea rooms and the Viking dungeon...lol....you sound like you are in such a good place and very optimistic about life..

Its always the simple things in life that make all the difference...the things that make up the minutes of our day rather than the grand ideas I think....keep on keeping on...unfolding that spirit...spring round the corner..out of hibernation and rebirth..keep strong ...wuffs

Nothing much to add apart from a Baljit inspired post:

TODAY WILL BE 8 WEEKS OF NO BETTING AT ALL I AM REALLY DOING GOOD!!

You may now take out the ear plugs.

What was that??...didn't quite hear your last post....tee hee.....(earplugs out ...)

Just doing a drive by Rob.....i'm here on the outside and managed a day without a proper post..

In honour of baljit...ONE DAY AT A TIME....

Glad your feeling chipper and its brilliant to see how upbeat you are..you deserve all good things my friend...will pop in to say hi but just seeing if i can ride my bike without stabilisers....onwards and upwards...spring and nice weather round the corner...

YOUR REALLY DOING GOOD!!! ....lol

"To a delightful weekend in the country"...chin chin ...lol

YOUR LAST POST MADE ME LAUGH!

Take care,

f x

hey rob....just a drive by....still following yours and others diaries on here...my days of painful rants have now come to a close..life on outside is okay even though i cried buckets phasing off from here..with you in cyberspirit ..left my email deets with a few which you are welcome to ...no pressure as i know for some anonymity is better...no offence if no uptake..all the best Rob ..you are doing great..and yes..like Freda says...you do make me laugh too..(need autograph now before you get too famous)...big hugs Rach and Dotty xxxxx

Well payday weekend safety navigated, also had a nice unexpected bonus. Feels good to actually have some money in my account which is a good job because my car needs some serious repairs again and could cost a few hundred quid *RAGE* I HATE CARS!!

If I was still gambling my stress levels would be through the roof having to beg, borrow and lie to get some money together for things that happen to people all the time.

So my money is getting spent on normal things now. I was pretty pleased with myself earlier but thinking about it now and it feels weird congratulating myself on something so common place to everyone else. I know I am not like most people but still feel like my values are distorted. Not beating myself up about it just trying to keep some perspective around all this madness.

Isn't it better to be able to spend your money on normal bills, even the car ones, than just simply throwing it all away for...

...NOTHING.

You appreciate your car, don't you?

GT

Of course its better. Didnt want to give the impression it wasn't and I certain appreciate my car when the blasted thing decides to work. Nearly went John Cleese on the thing this morning. Just feels a bit weird getting all happy with myself on something nearly everyone else does automatically and just takes as normal.

Feeling nostalgic about my gambling past. Not sure if its nostalgia for the reality or the fantasy, as most things its probably somewhere between.

There were times when it was fantastic, I mean so so good. There were times when I gambled and won and it was the best feeling, feelings I rarely can replicate in real life. I sometimes forget and its probably for the best as the excitement I felt I worry I will never match again without gambling. If thats the case, that my life will never hit that high again I will accept it.

I could eclipse those emotions without gambling, I mean thats the hope right we all have and I hope for alot of you a reality. Doesn't mean to say it will be true for everyone, hope it is for me.If its not I am ready to accept that because the vast majority of the time I was gambling I was at my worst.

So yeah at times I miss gambling, Round the bend right? go back to the land of make believe. Miss gambling, are you sure? are you mad?

hi Rob....bear with me a minute on this as i try to explain...obviously not the best qualified on here about gambling but can add a contribution about highs and lows based on my own addicitive behaviour....

Gonna explain using analogy of diet....for me the high is like a carbohydrate high..a quick fix that peaks and drops both extremes but over long haul exhausting...In recovery after initial levelling off period its more like a sustained "protein" feeling of being content at your core but have the occasional really good peak moments/day but with no exhaustion....just energised to live in the day..

That probably sounds a bit irrelevant but thought id write anyway....adrenaline is a funny thing...will take time for your body to adjust from jarring highs to crashing lows...adrenal exhaustion plus stimulants like caffeine and sugar take their toll.

Im going through a similar thing as been high on anger and resentment since September..raging everyday..now my adrenals crashed and am in the same boat as you..so have to look after ourselves..usual stuff...clean foods/detox/reduce stress/fresh air/ sleep..

Don't know how you feel about exercise don't have to go mad or anything...Just getting out and walking a few miles can get the old endorphins going and the feel good factor.....just an idea...

take care and keep strong...body/mind /spirit x Rach and Dot x