The Devils Payroll

Great news to know your ok Rob....its been a period of adjustment for you and sounds like it's all levelling off now.

Am confident that your in a good place and have such a good feeling that you are going to be fine and keep going from strength to strength...

Looking forward to horizons new and some good weather to get out and about..gonna be our Gamcare year I think...lots of good stuff and positive vibes on here right now...

Keep posting and will always look out for you....you have aa cracking sense of homour too...

Take care ..big hugs Rach and Dot x...ps ....am also living life now rather than just exsisting....good feeling eh?

Guessing your busy Rob living life.....good one ..

Was thinking how you are and nice to hear how your getting on..no pressure or anything ..just interested as noticed you were on page 4 ..

Have a good rest of weekend and keep that sense of humour going..hugs Rach and Dotty x

Been awhile....

I would say a good 90-95% of the time I don't feel like gambling, I haven't been compulsive in my gambling at all this year but its still there hanging around in the background like a bad smell.

Had a bet two Saturdays ago and also last Saturday. Reluctant to call them slips, hate that word and term. There was no slip with me, it was all planned out and knew I was going to bet, no accident. No great loss money wise and in fact never went beyond a set amount I had in my mind that I would lose (because I knew I would lose or keep going until I lost), so I am far from bankrupt. Can't say I am angry or disappointed in myself. I have almost an aloof and throw away approach to my gambling problem at the moment but I feel a million miles away from the person I was last year.

Realise I can do more, just trying to make that final push to try and remove myself from the gambling crutch. Know what is needed now and have joined some of the dots to the hows and whys of how I got in this mess in the first place. Don't have the courage yet as I know once I break through some lives in my family will not be the same and the fallout is going to be rough.

Hope everyone else is well, not been keeping up with anyone's diaries but will have a quick nosey around. Take care, keep fighting and stay strong.

doing alright. bored of gambling now so it doesn't feel like a battle anymore. thought I would drop in and see who is still around or flown the nest. don't really feel any need to come around these parts anymore but nice to know some of you are still out there and doing ok too.

Saving my diary from dropping off the end of the world.

Had a good couple of months where everything was great, no thoughts or urges but last few days they have been creeping back. Luckily my reaction was to come here and start reading a few diares rather than act out on them.

Generally I guess things are better with me its been a number of months now, think its four going to five months. I dont have a concerate date and dont like to count but gambling wise I'm in a stronger position. Also realising not all my problems are related to gambling and they arent all getting solved just because I am not gambling anymore.

In a lot of ways feel stranded, like I have swam too far from the shore to really go back and live a full life, that sinking realisation that life hasnt worked out and could very well just end up a disappointment. So putting my diving boots and mask on and going to walk along the ocean floor hoping I hit land.

What else, not much else. I have next week off and plan to visit an old friend. Following week from that will be playing an open mic night for first time. Scared of that and having to push myself as I rarely do things that are scary unless it means losing hundreds.

Also my entries are going to be less guarded and edited and I will just write down what comes to mind first, so please excuse the numerous typos that are likely to happen.

hey Rob..thanks for bumping up your diary....

Words I love to hear (aside of no gambling) are your last line about your entrieseing less guarded and not edited...you having nothing to loose hun and you are in the right place to do that...

unconditional

R and D xx

Hi Rob,

I searched 4 ur diary the other day but could not find it, I must have done summat wrong!

Well done 4 resisting those urges, that takes a lot of strength and determination, u r doing brilliant and u should be soooo proud of urself 🙂

I hope u enjoy ur wk off and have a gr8 time visiting ur friend 🙂

Stay strong, U r doing gr8 🙂

At a friends in Milton Keynes at the moment and back to the scene of the worst of my gambling crimes. its here I lost everything material and my soul. Three years I lost a house,all the possessions inside it and the breakdown of my relationship at the time.racked up 10's of thousands of credit card debt which I am now slowly paying off.its here a lot of painful memories resurface of how i stopped caring for myself and wanted nothing but my next bet.it was a horrible lonely time,my gf at the time suffered depression and developed acute anixiety due to a the volitile mix of my gambling and a broken unheathly relationship.i sometimes i forget the stress i put myself and others through as recent months have been much better.now and again you have to remind yourself where you have come from so you can make sure you never go back.tomorrow i go for a walk,the same walk i took over 2 years ago when everything came to a head and a felt every step the ground tumble away from me.the point where i had no choice but to ask for help.from that point on things have moved on,I started attending ga,coming on here.its not be instant.i have gambled since that day (multiple times in fact)but i haven't given up trying to make my life gamble free.its not often i have said that i am proud of myself but i am proud of myself today.

Hi Rob,

Thank u 4 ur support and kind words on my diary. It means a lot 🙂

Ur last post was gr8 2 read, U r doing brilliant u should be proud of urself... U give me hope!

Have a gr8 nite 🙂

Been ill for the past week with the usual stuff thats been doing the rounds this time of year. Starting to get over that but I am getting signs of the health problems I had a couple of years ago when I had severe bowel problems. Getting worried and anxious as it was pretty horrible last time. Trying to relax as mind and gut are linked and increased stress will not help.

In fact last time I was ill my gambling was really starting to get as bad as my MK time and I reckon the stress of it all certainly affected me physically this way. I ended up losing the contract I was working at the time as I was unable to get into work, this increased my stress further as I had pay day loans and my normal debts that still needed paying with no income. Add that to a poor diet and lifestyle and its no surprise my battered body had enough and broke down.

I sometimes think to myself would I prefer a healthy body or mind or are they too connected to be a separate choice and entity? Maybe I need to take some time over my psychical health and be a bit kinder to my body, so the booze has gone back on the shelf and the shortbread back in the tin.

Hi Rob,

I hope u feel better soon!

I just wanted 2 wish u a Merry Christmas 🙂

Take care 🙂

Can't sleep but feeling much better. Its been a year now since I started my diary. I am not the most prolific of posters and not one really to post my every day thoughts and feelings so there is no narrative arc for anyone else to follow so I have no idea if its been of any benefit to anyone else apart from myself. Main thing is this diary and this forum have been here when I have needed it and I don't think I would be in the current gamble free and good mental state I am without all your help. Thank you.

Hi Rob,

It was good 2 catch up with u in chat 2nite 🙂

It was really gr8 2 hear that u will soon be debt free, u have done brilliant and worked really hard 2 get there 🙂

Stay strong xx

I hate this I hate this I HATE THIS. I just cant do it. I cant let go and open up its just too hard for me. My life has no connection with anyone, I just go to work and sit in my room, occasionally go out and see a friend. I say a friend, I don't really have a real friend its someone I go the pub with. I have no friends I have no connection with anyone. This is about the closet I have to any kind of cottent and its not even real. I hate online anyway I have no time for facebook or twitter or forums outside of this one but I still come here. that's because I crave and need some human contact some kind of connection but everytime I get even close I just close up. you don't even know hard it is tooo even type that. im not sure what kind of life I can lead living like this but its not a nice one. at least when I gambled I had something else, something else to focus on I didn't need to think about this s**t. even that now has nothing for me. ive moved away from that. I cant even go back to numbing everything with gambling. I f*****g hate this place its taken away the one thing that blinded me. all your diaries and posts and help what have then done. left me with the truth.im not liking the truth at the moment. the truth is im a sad man with nothing to live for. a 36 year old man living with his parents, someone who has just had to have there door kicked down as I trapped.i don't not even know what i am typing and not even sure what im doing anymore. f*** this place and f*** you.i hope you all fail and all gamble and lose everything. and f*** you gamcare for when you edit this post. *****.

Hello Rob..

You wouldnt believe how i can relate to that post, your being honest and i do have similar feelings in a fashion.Also someone who closes up when getting close to human contact and majority of 'friends' fly by night work buddies, work in the buildings so always on the go..

Have spent the majority of my 45 years hiding behind one smokescreen or another and now trying to tackle im scared shitless and thinking what the f**k. Not going to waste your time and say it gets better as i cant say that with one ounce of conviction, but hai f*****g ho just hold on that belief that there is something out there for every one...