The final fresh start

Hi duckling and welcome to the diary section. You've made a good decision to start a diary...use it to vent, share, ask for support and make friends with a group of people who have all walked the same path. Have you been on Gamcare before? If you've read the forum you'll know the initial advice is always to break the triangle....time,money,location. If you take one (or more) away then you can't bet. Also blocking software on your computers and phone...both would have saved you that £150 and the despair you're feeling today.

You sound quite aware of your thoughts and feelings and you've identified some of you're triggers...so you're starting from a good place. Gambling to numb feelings is not uncommon (it's certainly something I did) and there are lots of ways you can get help with that if you're minded to. I've heard the GC is very good and they can provide free counselling if you're interested in going down that route. There's GA, there are lots of books and articles and there's the wonderful support of this place. If you think a weekly check in will motivate you there's some challenges on the overcoming section. Read some diaries for inspiration and hope. Post on your diary as little or as often as you like and, most importantly, keeping putting one foot in front of the other.

Good to have you here.

LifeBegins x

Thank you for your kind words LB. I have been here before (under a different user name a few years ago). At it's worst I had borrowed £10k from friends and family (through lies and deceit) to try and deal with the outstanding £40k of credit card debt and then blew that online too. No one knew about my secret until my husband found out and I thought we were over but he has stuck by me and life had begun to improve. Last night's blip resulted from recently booking a holiday - I feel like I am not worth wasting hundreds of pounds for a holiday on (which is barmy when I think of the thousands that I have given to the online gambling companies). Being reminded of the debt that I have got us into brought back all the negative feelings and I thought maybe this time would be different - I would be in control, that I would win some of the cost of the holiday back and that I could walk away a winner but obviously I couldn't. One minute I was up (a little) then I had blown the lot trying to win more. Then I started chasing the losses.... It was like the bad old days and I realised that I don't want to live like that any more. I have made leaps forward but now I realise that I will have to fight this for the rest of my life and that I do have to remain vigilant. For the first time I do feel like I am truly ready - with that in mind I have just self excluded from the sites I use on my mobile (my husband set up K9 on my laptop many years ago) and I suprisingly feel ok about it. In the past I would have had a panic attack but I actually feel happy - I feel like I have some control and that this time I can make the changes I need to turn my life around. I need and want my life to be different. I want to be proud of myself and to have the life that I dream of: be fit and a healthy weight, able to wear beautiful clothes, have no debt and, in fact, have a comfortable savings buffer (something I haven't had in my adult life), have a clean and tidy home and to really live (not just exist).

I am now 17 and a half hours into my first gf day - and I feel so good. I know the debts will linger on but I'm not making them any worse and I am committed to change.

I think it's Duncs who says that recovery is like a revolving door. A few people get it straight away but for many of us (you and me included) it takes a few go arounds before it clicks. It sounds like this time you're in the right frame of mind to really make a success of things....being happy with a blocker on your phone can only be a good sign.

Try not to be too hard on yourself about the past. That money's gone and it's never coming back. I've had the "I'm in control now" thoughts a few times only to turn a £50 deposit into a few thousand loss. We can't win, because we can't stop. But you start winning when you do stop. It's a lot of money, and it takes time to get over that level of debt, but if you keep going it will eventually be behind you.

Of course you're worth a holiday....and you're worth a life of happiness. "When we know better, we do better"...and you're doing better now. Being a compulsive gambler doesn't make you a bad person. You're doing well. Be proud. LB x

Thanks LB it's hard to be proud of yourself when you have such a negative recent history but I suppose the only way to change that is to change. I'll be honest I found yesterday quite easy because I was so gutted by yet another loss but today I have a real itch - I just know I have to not scratch it and I am so pleased that I put the blocks in place yesterday while I was feeling strong.

ODAAT and small steps - that's what I need to remind myself so from now on I am going to set myself one task at a time and get things done that I have neglected for the last 10-15 years because I have been so preoccupied by gambling.

Deep down I know I am not a bad person but I am so ashamed of the things I have done and the mess I have created. I'm not a monster but I am not the person I should be, that I want to be; that I know I am. I know that by not gambling I am heading for a happier future but right at this moment in time I feel as if I am in limbo. The past is painful (albeit familiar) and the future is scary - I suppose my only option is to concentrate on the present so with that in mind I am off to do some housework...

Hello Duckling

Cool name.

Welcome back to the forum.

Certainly strong posts of acceptance, realization and determination.

You will get there.

You sound ready for this.

I'm ready and look forward to reading you fulfil your dreams.

Best wishes

Glint

Thanks for your post Glint. This is definitely the most determined I have ever felt about stopping. In the past I paid lip service to giving up knowing all along that I would try again in the future (once I was back in control!!). I am now 1.5 days clear of the pain and suffering that I have caused myself and others. I am never going back there I don't want to feel those dark feelings ever again. I continure to feel guilt and regret for what I have already done but that's done and now I am looking to make a new path going forward. Luckily at work I can do as much (or as little) overtime as I want so starting tomorrow I will do 1 hour extra a day - that's £10 a day that I can put towards paying back what I owe. The blocks are in place - self exlcusion, K9 and I have now destroyed my credit cards (they are in bits in the bin). I can do this.

Hi Duckling - thanks for your lovely post on my diary!

Your story sounds very similar to mine, we tried to stop, it didnt work - it made us feel even worse yet we continued to do it. Then we have that last loss and a little light bulb goes off and we no longer want to pay lip service to it....we sign up for the gf life! It sounds like you have committed to doing this and have got started on all of the blocks - that is a fantastic start and I am proud of you....barriers take so much temptation away and release some weight off our shoulders!

There will be feelings of guilt etc. but over time they will become less frequent - I still get hit on occasions by feelings of total bewilderment and sadness at all of the money i have spent....but i have to take it on the chin and know that what i am doing now will ensure I dont continue that terrible cycle. Slowly those feeling are being replaced with more positive ones as I continue on this journey....and this will happen to you also.

We cant change the past we can only focus on one day at a time, if we make that a happy and positive day then we can go to sleep with a little smile on our face.

Good luck on your journey, I will be at your side reading your diary and offering any support you may need!

Thank you so much Rose. I am absolutely committed to stoping this time but I've got to say the itch is stronger than ever - luckily all the blocks are in place and there is no way I can make this hell any worse! I have just had a healthy breakfast, I'm about to get ready for work and today will be a good day because I will not gamble. 2 whole days done... and day 3 is absolutely achievable. I have just looked at my overdraft that I had managed to clear but now I'm back in it... it makes me sad (and tempted if I'm totally honest) but I know that I can clear it again and that one day I will be debt free if I remain gf. ODAAT.

Have you thought about therapy Duckling? This has really helped me on the road to understanding why I gamble - whats missing in my life and my triggers. I still have loads to learn but having that person sat across me to unload and vent all my feelings has been a great help.

Great attitude, the money is gone - you will be tempted to try and get it back, i still am sometimes when i think about what i have lost but I know I will never win.....and the thought of losing even more stops me every day from going back.

Your doing great, dont give in to that urge....keep busy around the house, read a good book, put a movie on....anything to take your mind off it. You can get to day 3 and many more one day at a time!

Well done Duckling!

Thanks Rose. I did have some counselling when my addiction was at its worst but I didn't stop gambling and so was lying to the counsellor 🙁
I'm now well past 3 days gf and yesterday I managed to do 3 hours overtime so that's some money toward the guilt mountain! I can't wait for the mountain to become a hill, then a mound and then a distant memory!!! ODAAT! Roll on 4 days gf!!!

4 days gf and into day 5! The itch is starting to subside - thank heavens. Only a week to my birthday, 9 days to my holiday and 12 days to pay day - things are looking up!

5 days gf and into the 6th!
I can't say I'm clear of the urge yet because the debt is still playing on my mind which makes me want to have one last go but I know I can't so all is well.
I have worked hard this week and managed to clock up 8 hours overtime so far with more to come today. I know I have to be patient and look long term but the debt is a constant reminder of my faults and my past. I am making a better future.
I went to the slimming club last night. I was slightly disappointed not to have lost any weight this week but as gambling and binge eating go hand in hand with me I'm pleased I hadn't put any on (I had managed to get back on plan once I'd stopped gambling). Hopefully now Mr gamble is gone I'll be able to get on with my life and be the slim, happy and healthy person I want to be.
Upwards and onwards ODAAT.

Well done Duckling - keep up the good work! I too am getting back on the diet wagon after finding I had replaced gambling with some yummy food - its a fine balance for us but given time I am sure we will find it!

Thanks Rose. I'm pleased to hear you are doing well. It's 6 days done and into day 7 for me. I'm going away tonight for the weekend so I won't be back on til Sunday but ill be pleased to update then. I can't believe a week has almost gone by since the blip - it seems like forever ago. I am determined to remain gf so here's one more day to add to the tally.