The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

I cetainly hit the ground running this morning. I arrived in the office a couple of hours ago and have really built up a sweat. Aggressive phonecalls, persistent e-mails and some heavy lifting thrown in.

Office work is not much fun. I never did like being closed in and for an ex-hyperactive child more often than not feel very "antsy" if not claustrophbic.

There are times when I become entirely abosbed in my work and there are other times when I sit and clock-watch.

Gambing used to fill a void, but its destructiveness only served to increase my time "mewed up" in my luminous, white-washed cell, as I had to catch up with work time wasted or earn back money I had lost.

As I type I am reminded of the pleasure and relief this forum gave me for the first 8 months of this breakthrough year. One month ago addiction threatened this and nearly made me forget all about the joy of abstinence.

Today I remember it loud and clear and with this in mind will make today a better, nay, good day.

Markman

A month or so ago I relapsed. The very first day I got back from holiday with my family. In a flash, just more than 200 days of hard fought abstinence were gone. In all the timeI was abstinent I had my mind focussed on our holiday. This was going to be the one. The holiday not spolied by gambling.The holiday where where money was no object The one for my family to remember. As it happened, I did not gamble on holiday, with the exception a few quid in the arcade with the family. However, money was an object. Notwithstanding having saved more than ever, we were so keen to save money because of previous hardhips that money ended up being a daily topic of conversation. Bottom line, I did not gamble, but our holiday was essentially no different than all of those before - which the kids have apparently always loved notwithstanding my own inner turmoil - which is a blessing.

So we returned on a Friday - one happy family. At all time I was stressed. Stressed with my awful preoccupation with having enough money and also the thought of masses of work building up in the office as well as the deadline for an academic assignment due a week after we returned. Clearly I snapped under the pressure of trying to fulful the expectations that I had been harbouring in my mind all these months.

So, Saturnday morning, I place a small bet followed by many more and make a wad of cash. Just a few days later I had already lost it and plenty more, drawn down a small payday loan, missed a loan payment or two and lied to pretty much all of those around me. All of this in a matter of days! It goes to show how, for an addict, even the slightest of bets can set them of down the road to ruin well above the speed limit!

I am a very luck man. Having abstained for so long I put my family back on the front foot so come payday in two days time I will have repaid my debts from my week of insanity. I have had the above discussion with Mrs Markman and willl continue to transfer the bulk of my salary into her account as quite clearly I am not ready to remove the stabilisers just yet!

That was a few weeks ago. Today I have realised what my actions have wrought. I have accepted what I have done. I accept that they cannot be undone. I will make no excuses. I am an addict. I am an addict. I am an addict in recovery. I want to defeat addiction. I want to live a gamble free life. I want to free my mind of the constant fear of becoming a slave to addiction one more. I am an addict. I accept that. I make no excuses for my henious condcuct over so many years. This is recovery. I have accepted that I am an addict, that I must stop, that gambling will only devastate myself and those around me.

I have reinstated all practical steps to prevent me from become Addiction's hctiB

What's done is done. I will only focus on today. By doing this the future will take care of itself.

Markman

P.S. I thought the "future will take care of itself" was an original profound thought and I was quite please with myself and so I Googled it. Little did I know I was quoting the Bible: Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself." Notwithstanding it's antiquity, a wonderful book in so many ways and not just for the devout.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NG2zyeVRcbs

there's always gunna be another mountain, I'm always gunna wanna make it move, always gunna be an uphill battle, sometimes I've gunna have to lose, ain't about how fast i get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side, it's the climb...

Not in the best of moods. The light is still shining brightly at the end of the tunnel, but my not too distant 37 day bender has really knocked me for six, and the light seems all the more farther away.

Two months ago we had savings in the bank, no payday loans, I had my up to date driver's licence in my wallet and I was content as I could have been in my position.

Two months later and the savings have taken a hit (but still there), I have 4 small payday loans and someone has taken my wallet with my driver's licence in.

Sounds silly but that licence was important to me. It was my first "normal" purchase when I managed to climb out of my gambling "funk." The photo on the licence was the non-gambling me - the first in 10 years.

Getting up for work was difficult this morning. I have not felt like this since the new year when I started by big run of abstinence.

I need to make another change. Not gambling is one thing, but getting guilt, regret and that dark sense of foreboding out of my head is a different story entirely.

I prepared a new budget this morning. I need to live very tightly until the end of November. Remaining gamble free goes without saying. If I do this I will be back on track well before Christmas.

I lent some money to my sister which she will repay shortly. This will pay of the first payday loan. The second payday loan is in the budget and comes to a natural end in eight weeks time. This leaves two small payday loans, one of which I can pay of at the end of this month and and the other I can pay at the end of the next. Come December I will be payday loan free once more.

I will pay for a new driver's licence at the beginning of December assuming my wallet is not found. That will make another step in my recovery.

If I now abstain until 10th January, I will have gone an entire year in which only 37 days has been marred by gambling and I will then try and have an even better run 2018.

In the meantime I focus on work and my legal apprenticeship. I managed grades of 90% and 100% in my first two assignments which to use my mentor's words, "astonished" her. It goes to show what I can achieve when I put my mind to it. Still I find it very difficult to believe that I will succeed or deserve to.

Deep breath, stiff upper lip, moving forward.

Markman

Nice touch with the 90% and 100% marks... that's some going if the answers probably have grey areas due to the nature of the beast. So much litigation these days that clearly there is no right or wrong answer.

Motivation is a key piece of the puzzle and being able to see the long game. Few months down the line and looking back it won't seem as bad. We will in an age where everything is instantaneous but recovery is one of those things that isn't so it's difficult to manage. You'll get there pal! You're doing well and keeping it together.

Many thanks Change!

Gamble free again yesterday. Gamble free today.

Had a brief chat with Mrs Markman over the finances before work (as seems to be the norm) and quite clearly are not well off but are comfortable.

I have a real habit of losing sight of the bigger picture and forgetting that there are people out there far worse off financially than me and yet they seem to be content and even fulfilled.

I never did care for money but I have always made the error of equating happiness with a swollen bank account. So I gambled to try and make a fast buck in the delusion that having more money made me happy. Naturally when I lost it made me even more discontent and unhappy.

I firmly believe that the key to my not gambling is being content with what I have. A loving wife. Beautiful and interesting children. A job in which I am respected for my knowledge and experience. Caring friends.

And then there are the small things: a cup of tea - milk no sugar, Heinz Spaghetti, Charles Dickens, The Killers, Pot Noodle, Amaretto and Vanilla Latte, Shakespeare, Michael Palin and his travel programmes, Mark Beaumont and his Bike.

So many large and small blessings. Things I love and yet made insipid and uninteresting by my pursuit of gambling.

I have a 12+ hour stint in the office today. I will work hard. I will not gamble and when the day is done I will enjoy one or more small pleasures from my list.

Markman

Hi Markman,this may be a bit of a blurb...Apologies in advance. Everything you have said about money=happiness ticked my boxes when gambling, my main though being if I win big everything will be sorted. I held onto this for a long time but obviously have dug mysrlf in to a financial hole making things a zillion times worse. But in recovery I have got it into my head at last that money and 'stuff' are not the key to contentment. So cut yourself some slack, you've bounced back from the relapse, have the support of Mrs M and have the inner strength to remain GF. Take care and have a great GF day S:)

Hi Mark man I have been reading some of your diary and what an inspiration your last post was about enjoying the small things.

You will see I am fairly new here but already I have relapsed about 3 times. I had a big loss the over day and I'm done but I am going to, like you, focus on the small things.

Coming home and taking my dog for walks. Something I don't give a d**n about when I gamble and he misses out which is cruel. Having an Americano, going to the cinema, playing snooker, reading a book or playing the x box. Small things but things I don't ever do now.

I have a similar dream to yours. I go on holiday twice a year which is ludicrous based on my gambling expenses...I couldn't tell you how I do it but when I do im penny pinching.

I dream and aim for septwmber 2018 as me and my partner who is amazing enough to stay with me, hope to take our new baby girl due in February to Portugal for a week. I hope to go with no stress, enough money to have a good holiday with comfort, and big smiles on all of our faces.

If I don't get that holiday through gambling that will break me and certainly my relationship. I will know I haven't made it and screwed it all up.

Cheers Mark man your post has given me some focuses

Take it easy pal

Hi Mark. Thankyou for posting on my diary. Big respect for getting back on the road with your friends and fellow travellers.

I really liked the last 3 posts in your diary from Yourself - Sharon - Gboy......Great observations of human nature - values - allegiances - desires - hopes - dreams - courage and insight. Like Sharon pointed out " Money and stuff are not the key to contentment". "Work on the inner self" . Wise words indeed.

Mathew 6-21 .....For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Back in the office this morning and fully focused on the things that matter. I have academic assignments left right and centre so there will be no weekend for me, but that is probably a good thing!

Markman

Hi Friend, someone said something the other day that I just had to drop by with...

Now I know you don’t work the 12 Steps so forgive me if I’m teaching you (very badly @ that) how to suck eggs but part of the program is identifying all the people we have harmed & making amends to them. It makes sense that that includes ourselves. I don’t recall seeing that written anywhere but I’m told Mandy Saligari raised it in her therapy with Bobby Davro (& that’s way better than reading it in The Sun)!

People don’t hit 90/100% in any papers by chance...You worked hard for that so why wouldn’t you succeed? You do deserve it Markman, we’re not bad people! You didn’t choose your childhood which has had a profound effect on the adult you & as Ade2 always says, we just took a wrong path.

Only you can stand in the way of you...Don’t be the one to ruin your dreams - Kelly

Thank you very much old friend! They be some wise words. As we all know old habits die hard. I have always succeeded academically but will always doubt myself. I am trying not to but I must say as the gamble free days crank up again so does my confidence.

Today is a contented high confidence day. I completed all 3 assignments on time last week and my tutor thinks I am ahead of the game. With my grades and experience behind me the apprenticeship may well finish sooner than scheduled.

The reason for the confidence this morning is that I received an array of email offers from an old online betting company. I logged straight on self-excluded. This act of intent does instil a wonderful sense of control and self-control.

Having worked 12 days straight I look forward to a deserved long weekend with my family.

Markman

Hey Markman, thanks for the positive words on my diary. I'm glad to see you are still here and its excellent to see that you self excluded following receiving the emails. Good to read you are working and studying hard. Keep it up pal, it sounds like you are making huge progress.

How you getting on Markman?

Hey Markman,

Hope all is ok, well done on the assignments glad to hear the course is going well.

Sorry to hear that the trip to Cornwall was not as expected, keep fighting the good fight.

Paulds