The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Thanks for your words of support, Phil, Change and Paul.

Change, I am good thank you. I hope youb are doing well my friend.

Paul, the holiday was great and the family loved it. The problem with the holiday was all in my head. For years I believed that having plenty of money was needed to make a holiday wonderful. What I did not realise was that all of the other holidays were wonderful from my family's point of view and I just could not see it past the gambling. In August I crumbled under the weight of my own expectations and have pretty much written off September and October.

Phil, you are doing great. Keep doing what you are doing. You know it gets easier and it will not be too long before not gambling becomes the norm. Right behind you buddy!

Payday today and so begins a new cycle. I paid all the bills and transferred some savings to my wife's account from my mobile phone before my neck lifted my head from its pillow. The triangle is in tatters - I have set myself aside a very humble allowance for this month. I am going to live each day as though I had just gambled my last penny and see how much I can save by the end of the month. Even if I were to slip up I could not do any financial damage. The only damage would be to my vulnerable peace of mind.

So this morning I am back on task. Working hard in the office and being generally productive.

Last I night I carved some fantastic pumpkins with Louis while Mrs Markman made a halloween cake with icing to look like a brains and strawberry jam for blood and also a bowl of slimy green jelly with grape stuffed lychees for eyeballs and red shoe strings for blood drops. Tonight our house will be full of 9 year olds as Louis is hosting a halloween party. Once the pizzas, chicken wings and cake have been washed down we will go out and do some trick or treating. I was never fond of the commercialism of Halloween but somehow Mrs Markman has managed to remove the commercialism and makes Halloween nothing more that a fun family occasion that we all look forward to. So I will bail from from office at 4pm sharp and the fun will commence!

Markman

She’s a keeper Markman 🙂

Loving the sound of your evening! I have treats in the cupboard & am in my brightest clothes so I don’t get mistaken for a Witch this year.

Have a lovely family evening 🙂

September and October were total write-offs. November has so far been sensible. All eyes are on family, study and work and getting ahead for Christmas and the New Year.

I have an assignment due in just over 24 hours so it will be nose to the grindstone until then as I am yet to proepryl start it. With grades of 90%, 100% and 90% so far the bar has been raised very high. Cannot wait to post in the morning and celebrate another day gamble free and the successful submission of my assignment.

Markman

End of Month. Payday. Usual drill. All bills paid just after 2am and Christmas money lodged safely with Mrs Markman. A small allowance left for Markman but who will happily live on hard work and festive cheer until New Year. I wish you all well.

Markman

Markman
Fella it's been a while since you posted,I hope you are well and gamble free.
I wanted to take the opportunity to thank you for the support you gave me this year it helped more than you will ever know.
It's been a year of closing doors to open new ones.
It's been made a great deal easier by the presence of many outstanding folk on this forum and I count you amongst them.
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Happy new year one and all!

For the avoidance of doubt I remain on the wagon but am holding on for dear life.

This time last year I vowed not to gamble until I had paid off my debts and gifted my family a wonderful holiday.

I fulfilled that promise.

The problem is I was always gambling in my mind and no sooner was the holiday over I wilfully let one solitary bet lead to the usual meltdown.

Thankfully I put in sufficient steps in place to prevent any serious damage being done financially but I feel great remorse at letting those who care about me down once more. That was the story of 2017.

2018 is a very important year. Zoe has her GCSEs. Louis is preparing for his SATs next year. I am working on my own qualifications. Rosie is working hard in a job and as a mother. In 2018 Rosie and I turn 40.

Nobody needs a gambler in the family.

Over the years gambling has emasculated me. I have had to look to my wife for money on too many occasions. I have had to put up and shut up at work rather than stand up for myself for fear of being sacked and not being able to repay my gambling debts. I have had to deny my own children a few pounds pocket money because of the hundreds I had blown that weekend.

Not gambling last year felt good. I went out with friends.I always had a few notes handy for the children. I respected myself, asserted myself and was not always ducking and diving which made life easier generally. Not gambling is far more pleasurable than gambling.

This was meant to be a brief post.

I have reset my counter.

Today I vow not to gamble again in any form.

I need, but more importantly, want this.

Markman

Hang in there Markman, you are doing a great job.

As you say no-one needs a gambler in the family. I am still taking it day by day, still have lots of urges but this is what the gambling demon does to us. Just try to get through each day gamble free, sounds easy doesn't it but we know how tough it can be. Every day gamble free is a triumph and something that you achieve each and every day.

Think ahead to that next Cornish holiday or NFL game at Wembley, all achievable when we are gamble free

Keep fighting the good fight.

Paulds

Markman thank you for the post on my diary. I took your advice "Deep breath ~ let the fog lift and carry on." What else can we do my friend but try again and learn from our mistakes.

It is early days in this stage of our gamble free journey. We have, in the past, both had good long periods without a bet , so we know we can refrain from gambling.

Your 40 this year and i'm 68. Surely to god with 108 years between us we will have what it takes to beat this addiction and get some kind of normality in our lives.

Take care Mark. Wishing you well in 2018.

Many thanks for your kind words Paul and Abs. Very much appreciated and the kind of thing that keeps me going!

10th January 2017, 1 year ago to the day, I woke up, looked at my phone expecting to see a significant balance on my gaming account to find that, as so oftens happens, a certain team decided to choke against massive odds.

I did not reload and chase. I felt relief. My balance was zero. I had nothing left on account to gamble, which was fine as I knew that that even had that bet come in, the chances are that significant balance would never have reached my bank account.

I could have chased my losses, but on this occasion I manned up, took all the right steps and made my biggest effort yet in the name of recovery. This led to 8 months of total abstinence. In this time I paid off all my payday loans, paid the mortgage and debt management plan to date, had built up some savings and even bought a new driving licence.

As I mentioned (quite vaguely) earlier in my diary, I had a breakdown following my return from holiday in August. I received a tax bill which in short led to a 25% pay cut which is more than all the money my family lives on each month This culminated in a massive binge for a few months followed by sporadic periods of gambling and abstinence. My wallet was stolen together with my driving licence and I let my mortgage fall and debt management plan behind briefly and took out yet more payday loans.

Christmas was very difficult. My mother in law who we live with was ill. We spent time in A and E with her and all our Christmas plans were behind and we, as a family, watched Christmas pass by like zombies, anxious that family time was slipping away and work and cold, hard reality beckoned.

I was very down last week. Lack of sleep made work very difficult. The days dragged like never before and desperately wondered how I was going to cope with the boredom and stress of my 9-5 prison.

I have been thinking long and hard over why I feel like I do and my compulsion to gamble. First and foremost I am exhausted. I do not think I have slept properly since I was a teenager. Secondly I feel bored, pressured and trapped in my job. Thirdly I have, as long as I can remember, suffered from a sense if foreboding; I worry about death, being ill and things happening to my family; I cannot feel happy even when everything is going well. Gambling has always been away to help me forget.

A friend has said that it may be some form of post traumatic stress disorder owing to the exteme violence that I had grown used as a child at home. I am cynical about this but then again I have never had counselling as my parents always told me never to tell anyone and even though my father was locked up. Not something I like to think about too much.

I have slept better this week. I am back on the wagon for sure. My focus is once again on my job and course. I will be buying a replacement driving licence soon. The payday loans are back but will be repaid in a few months from my wages. We have enough in savings right now to repay them in full but I prefer to have the security of knowing that the money is there for a rainy day. For the next few months I will be not be spending a penny on myself which will help me repay the loans without prejudicing my family. The mortgage is totally up to date and I have submitted a new budget to my creditors which will get the DMP back on track and reduce outgoings a little.

At present I am feeling optimistic. I am committed to refocusing on the things that matter - family, professional progress and general self improvement. Come August I am convinced that I will be 8 months gamble free as per last year and will remember my mistakes of last year. I am once again in recovery and will be far more attention to my recently neglected diary.

Bes wishes,

Markman

Hi Markman, thanks for posting on my diary....so sorry you've had such a rough time of it. You deserve to be happy and content, taking small steps to a brighter future. That's a really honest post above, it's not easy to go over and try to work out what's been happening. I was listening to the radio this morning to someone advising that we should forgive, be kind and look after ourselves as it's the only way to move forward. I hope you can do this and I'm sure everyone is 100% with you, I am! Take care and keep posting, take care S 🙂

Many thanks again Sharon!

I am much happier today.

I got an extra hour sleep last night so a little less tired.

All eyes on family and work.

No thoughts on gambling until a minute before I started writing this post.

I am already noticing that it is slightly lighter in the evenings as I leave work (on those days where I leave on time that is). This is alway good for my mood as I do become even more miserable during the dark months - so much so that I start to feel down August time knowing that a good few months of darkness are ahead.

My main focus is ditching my unhealthly preoccupation with money. I do not care for money at all. I only care and worry that I will run out or not have enough which has definitely been trigger for me to actually lose lots gambling which is sickly ironic.

I am going to treat myself to a nice lunch in two hours. I am thinking rice. I am thinking meditteranean vegetables. I am thinking something wholesome and filling.

I am delighted that my daughter has just received a scholarship to attend one of the top 10 state six form schools (accordingy to Tatler) in the country on the strength of her violin playing and general gifted musicality! She is the only child in her year who knows where she is going. The rest will have to wait another two months. I have taken the day off work and will attend her sixth form interview with her at the end of January. I look fowrard to being able to sit back and relax knowing that the interview is pulerly a formality. I am so priveleged to be able to stand at the sink washing dishes or cooking dinner in the kitchen whilst being able to listen to a concerto from the hallway. On that positive note I will sign off.

Best wishes,

Markman

Still footloose and gamble free.

It is amazing how I was coasting with a gamble free life this time 6 months ago and not looking back. How quickly the tides turn and everthing seems impossible once more. All is takes is a second. Once small miniscule bet to undo months of good work.

I am already starting to feel close to how I felt before the breakdown. I feel relaxed and in control.

I just need to cope with the day to day monotony... one tick of the clock at a time.

Markman

Hi Markman, fantastic to hear about your daughter.. you must be v.proud. Mine has started 6th form and has always been hard working and knows what she wants! I-m totally in the same 'just get through everyday zone' Sometimes I feel abit like all I do is get up, work, cone home, do housework, go to bed. But I can gradually see and feel finances easing and I do enjoy my job so am actually rather lucky. Gaveca great weekend and heres toba GF 2018 🙂

A very busy day workwise. I arrived at the office an hour late owing to a burst watermain en route. So here I am ploughing through my files during lunch with a mushroom cup soup to keep me going. A quick post. Still gamble free and starting to feel normal again. I was just thinking how gambling makes me forget who I am and just how easy I can get on without gambling. Gambling creates this illusion that the world is falling down around you and that you need it to survive. Not so.