The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Gambled yesterday. Feeling ashamed and mortified this morning.

Feeling ridiculous considering how committed and motivated I was in my last posts.

Have undone all the good I did during last year's 8 months run of abstinence.

Lots going on to say the least. Difficult to talk and write about.

Need to rest and then refocus. Cannot give up.

Markman

I know that feeling. It is so close behind me. I remember the times I gambled after 15 months, after 9 months after a year when despite all the good in my life I went and broke my abstinence. It's easy to do as I always did and embark on a long losing soul destroying gambling spree.

I'm not even in a good place so apologies but the reality is for us that although we seem more likely to gamble today if we gambled yesterday, we do not have to. I hope you find your way.

Two days in, the dust has settled, and I can see a bit more clearly.

It has very much been a nose to the grindstone week notwithstanding that I am riddled with cold and ache all over and likewise my better half is quite run down.

I have worked my socks off in the office. In the next 5 working days I have the pleasure of conveying 18 families into their new homes - a figure which any firm would be happy to see turned over every month - let alone in just one week. I will shortly leave the office, enjoy a sitdown meal with my family - something we a few times a week no matter what. I will then carrying working the files in preparation for the numerous movse I will be overseeing these next few days - one of the tangible pleasures of the job.

Having moonlighted a little this week, I have managed to undo the financial damage done by the week's madness. I now have a platfom to look forward and focus on paying the last of my short term loans and putting some more money by for my family's summer sojourn.

I keep reminding myself, this time last year, I was to weeks into what would become an 8 month period of abstinence. I was in a far worse position then. So, last week's ridiculousness aside, if I put all my energy into recovery, my family will be in an even better position this summer than the last.

Markman

So I survive the weekend and remain gamble free.

This morning I feel as though a weight hs been lifted from my shoulders. I have submitted my latest assignment which puts me right back up to date. Importantly I have breezed through my Land Law course which 10 years ago caused my study to grind to a halt. At this rate I will be under a year away from my qualification.

9 out of the 18 families have been moved so far this week with the remainder spread over the next few days which is very managable. My general office work suffered these past couple of weeks but now these heavy matters are behind me the work is visibly less than I thought and very manageable.

The focus is back onto domestic things. In an hour I shall leave the office and take Zoe to her sixth form interview. It is Rosie's birthday on Saturday so I will be taking Zoe to Westfield Shopping Centre on Wednesday to treat my wife to a few nice presents before we enjoy a nice pub lunch on Saturday.

I am now starting to remember what it was like not gambling at all for the best part of 2017. I focus on other things for enjoyment, the things I used to love - Shakespeare, the Dickens Novels, Cricket, and then there are the travel programmes - Michael Palin, Mark Beaumont, Stephen Fry, Rick Stein et al. Not to mention the truly important things like spending time with my wife and children. And there is a sense of pride. But the cold light of day flashes in front of my eyes and I remember all the horrible things I have done, how much time I have wasted and start to worry about what could happen - thoughts which gambling shielded me from.

All I can do is be strong. I harboured depressive and negative thoughts well before I ever gambled so I may as well negotiate them without the shackles of gambling. I know these thoughts will in time subside and I can start to feel normal again.

Markman

Another week, another month end, another payday. Gamble free and no thought of gambling for now.

Back into double figures since my last blip. Only the odd thought of gambling but must resist at all costs (or no cost rather). I am the classic example - one small bet is all it takes to turn almost a year of total abstinence into near self-destruction and that is by no means an exaggeration.

Markman
Fella thanks for popping by yesterday you humble me greatly.
It's time to let go of your past my friend equally the good and bad in my mind.
Why??
Because if I were a gambling man which I am not 😉 I would be prepared to wage that addiction sells you the old line that because you went gamble free for a time you are surely entitled to a bet!!
Whilst the little rational side of your mind will be quietly telling you that you know it's unacceptable to wage a single penny.
Learn from the past my dear friend, but live for the future.
Again thanks for popping by.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Well done Markman on getting into double figures and for remaining so strong

Wilsy

Many thanks Wilsy - very much appreciated. Looking forward to checking in on your diary.

Very glad the NFL season is over - this is really the only thing that tempts me to gamble these days. I think it has something to do with the dark, depressing Sunday nights before a cold and lonely week in the office. March onwards and things are much brighter.

I have set my counter to zero this morning as I stayed up all night to watch a bet I struck ages ago lose. I would be lying to myself if I said that I was not tempted to chase. To all intents and purposes I was "in the zone" all the while the match was on.

So I wake up this morning and once again put all thoughts of gambling behind me. I go out and scrape the ice of the car a friend calls "s h i t by moonlight" and pick up some milk. Back home before I out on a fresh shirt and add a touch of stagnant 15 year old Cerruti 1881 and I am ready for the school run and the day day in general.

We celebrated Rosie's 40th this weekened with a meal at a quaint victorian pub overlooking the most beautiful woodland and reservoir. It was steak and Italian fish stew around.

Money was no object this weekend - I would be a tyrant if it was given my past.

We then went back home for tea and home made trifle before she opened her presents, which she loved with the exeption of the gangster movie "The Long Good Friday"... not sure how that got in there - I look forward to watching that tonight - with Rosie, of course! I then babysat while Rosie went for birthday drink with her friends. I picked her up around 1am on Sunday morning and she was paralytic having drank an entire bottle of wine for the first time since she was 18 and stupid.

So here I am back in the office. Not too busy. Mainly trying to stave off boredom which is always at its strongest just after a fun-filled weekend. At least I am not too worried about money. We still benefit greatly from last year's period of abstinence. The payday loans are manageable and should be clear by Summer. We could pay them off in full with savings at the end of the month but I am much happier knowing we have the money to hand for a rainy day.

Zoe is playing Violin with her orchestra in Belgium in the summer so we have decided to take a weekend trip there as a family so we can watch her concert in the audience. And then there is the usual week away in Cornwall.

We have some much to look forward to and yet that awful sense of foreboding pervades my spirit. So I will spend some time reflecting on all the potitives and try to enjoy some of my more wholesome interests.

I will be mainly focusing on remaining gamble free and making sure that Zoe has the support she needs with her GCSEs and that the family can then have another wonderful summer and beyond.

Work beckons.

Markman

Hi Markman,

good to see you expressing yourself and writing all your thoughts down each day, for me doing the same each morning gives me the inspiration and motivation to keep making the right choices.

Keep up the good work.

Wilsy

Last time I went this long without a bet I went over 200 days. A repeat is very much on.

Keep going Markman. I’ve loved your articulate (and sometimes humorous) posts for a long time. I wish you the very best.

I am still gamble free. Working hard on all fronts which is so much more manageable when my mind does not run distracted.

I have just bought a replacement driver's licence and am about to apply for my first passport in over a decade - since gambing took over my life.

Zoe is playing with her orchestra in Mechelen in August so we are taking Louis to Belgium to watch her perform as a surprise.

Early August I hope to take my family to Bielefeld, a town in Germany, where I spent over a happy year of my life visiting my grandmother as a child. I have not been back for about 28 years and I cannot wait to see the old places and who knows, see some old friends.

Sadly I recently discovered that once of my very best friends, a Turkish boy, Yilmaz, has passed away. I could not help crying when I found out. Rosie was a little surprised however I am forever loyal to my friends and do not forget them however much time passes. To me Yilmaz will always be that that short, dark complexioned boy, with a cheeky smile, in a sky blue-white striped 1986 Argentinian shirt saying "Komm, vootbol?" I think he suffered the same growth issued that actor Gary Coleman suffered. He was a few years older than me and had an older face but was always shorter. Just want to hug him.

That was a long time ago. I am incredibly nostalgic by nature and wonder whether there is a link between nostalgic sentimentality and depression. I do tend to cling on to the "good old days" even when empirically they are different but not necessarily happier.

In seven years on this forum I do not think I have ever mentioned that I am half German and can speak the language. My dad was an english solldier and was stationed in Bielefeld in the 1960s which is where he became friend with a German soldier, Bernd, who had a sister, Hella, my mother.

When I have time I may tell the funny story about why I support fc Bayern.

But now I have to get back to work.

Today I have actually forgotten my wallet.

Hi Markman, do sorry to hear about your friend. Life is do fragile isn't it?. Sounds like you have lots of plans on the horizon, great to have something to look forward too. Heres to a GF free week and beyond, take care S:)