The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

A good day yesterday. I worked hard in the office and even harder at home. Spent a couple of hours doing household chores and the a couple of hours working with Louis through his homework. I now know so much about pre-historic Mayan Codices! Louis worked hard and did some great work and was engaged without computer aided stimulation. More attention today.

On a side note I have ballooned in weight this past year so I have promised Mrs Markman to go one month without sugar, chees, bread, pasta, rice and juice - all the things I love but which are so bad for me. It is going to be a month of predominantly vegetables, grain, protein, fruit and a little milk. Soup on the agenda today.

A now back to work mode. I have four difficult cases to work on today which will really make people happy once resolved and will cover my humble wages for a couple of months.

Hi Markman,

Congratulations on your continued abstinence, it is a tough road along the way but looking back over the last few months and you have made some giant strides. Not gambling means loans can be paid, holidays are booked and we can spend more quality time with our families.

Keep fighting the good fight.

Paulds

Thanks for your kind words Paul but your praise is misdirected I am afraid.

I have just had a big relapse this weekend.

Back to my worthless old self. I feel so ashamed.

I should have saw this coming .I have been terribly stressed with pressures from all directions. I needed a release. But that is no excuse. I just wish I spoke with someone instead of taking the easy way out.

I am quite exhausted right now. The ups and mostly downs of the weekend have taken their toll emotionally and physically.

I have spent the evening tidying and hoovering - my way of being normal and also paving the way for a less stressful week. Mess stresses me out.

I will freshen up now and settle down for the evening.

I need to be fresh for tomorrow as I have all sorts of rebuilding to do.

The only positive thing I can think of is that the last time I relapsed like this I went on to my best run of abstinence since I realised I had a problem.

I am a sobbing, shaking mess as I type this. I think of the weekend that I could have spent with the children and tomorrow I will spend the best part of the day missing them.

My head is all over the place. Back to day zero. Going to sign off now.

Markman

So last night was restless. Little sleep. The result is that today will be tough. I still do not know what happened this weekend. It is rather a blur but I am no longer shellshocked. No major financial damage was done but I know if I had any more money there would have been. I am experienced at the cycle of relapsing and recovery. I must not dwell but must be pragmatic. I have just registered with Gamstop and self excluded on all online accounts for 5 years. As of end May I will recommence putting all excess cash in to Mrs Markman's account. In the meantime I need to focus on real life and make May a very cheap month.

Markman

In view of the hellish weekend I have just experienced I do not think work could have been much worse today. All about money. Money being insufficient, money being owed, money been lost, money having mis-sent.

Thankfully all these poor clients' financial woes were resolved at the end of the day, but the grasping and greed of people never ceases to puzzle me.

For someone who has been quite obsessed with money (or rather lack of) over the years I could not be more disinterested in. I really to not care for money. I just want to know that at the end of the day I will have enought to pay the bills and provide for my family.

Clearly for me gambling has never been about making money. It has purely been a very costly form of escape.

It's funny. Today I once again woke up realising that I was once more leaning over the precipice of distaster and so I take a lomg walk back. I have immersed myself in my (undesirable) work and have not had one even slightest urge to gamble. I just wish I managed to switch off the urge on Friday night instead of Sunday night after the damage was done.

If someone asked me "would you pay the money you lost over the weekend to never gamble again" I would say yes, absolutely. On this basis I will try and make this weekend my last mistake and a small price to pay for another important lesson and what I hope will be a brighter gamble free future. But I have said this over and over again. As someone who is day one these words do not mean anything. Just another crock of .... from a compulsive gambler I guess!

Markman

Another 3 days gamble free. I am not going to let 3 bad days spoil what has been a brilliant year so far as recovery is concerned.

From experience I know that I can bounce back and get back on the road to recovery. From experience I also know not to use my brief relapse as an excuse to carrying on entertaining addiction.

Right now I could not gamble if I tried. My registration with Gamstop means I cannot gamble online and my local self exclusion means I cannot gamble in any shop without driving for miles for which I do not have the energy.

Until further notice my surplus wages go to Mrs Markman. We still have a holiday in August to look forward to and I refuse to let addiction destroy it.

Something positive to look forward to as opposed to something negative to look back upon!

Markman

Hi Markman I wrote a long blurb Mon night but the captcha thingy wouldn't work! Anyway just wanted to offer support and understanding. Also to say your words do mean something and I often think along similar lines. Great positve post above, looking at the bigger picture which is something I am learning. Take care S:)

Thanks for your support as ever Sharon. It means so much!

So I move on to 5 days Gamble Free. I very much regret my actions of last weekend and really hate myself for it. The financial damage can be overcome but I have felt crushed by feelings of guilt as I have once again let down those around me.

I am too exhausted to have a "weigh-in" with and declare war on addiction. Until my spirit improves it will be very much a case of one day of a time.

I do feel more optimistic now though. Purely as a test I tried to log in to the old gambling sites and was delighted to see the following message:

"Your details are currently listed on a national gaming exclusions service"

This has really pleased me. Gamstop has worked. Online gambling has always been my achilles heel and with this barrier in place I am in the best position ever to escape addiction's grip.

I will now indulge in a cup of tea - milk no sugar - and put in a day's graft before enjoying a long gamble-free long weekend with my beloved family.

Markman

Almost a third of the way into May and so far so good. There is no chance of me gambling online anymore which is a big weight off my shoulders. I wish Gamstop was devised years ago. Online gambling is where everything went wrong for me and I am well without it.

Things are improving on the home front. The extra attention that we are paying to Louis is already paying off as his behavour has improved already and Zoe at last seems to be settled and ready to face those GCSEs and I will be there 100% gamble free to support her.

The sweltering bank holiday was very rewarding. Rosanne and I collected two delapidated tables and chairs from Facebook Marketplace for free which we spent the best part sanding and painting Seagreen on Saturday and Sunday. The result is we have posh garden furniture for Zoe's 16th birthday party in July which cost no more than a few tins of paint.

On Monday we drove down to Bournemouth and arrived at 8.30 am for a day on the beach followed by fairground rides, a drive through the New Forest and then lunch at Harvester in Salisbury.

Roll on Tuesday and we were exhausted,but yet move wonderful memories created and yet more places that I will not associate with gambling.

Markman

Hi Markman

So sorry to read about your lapse. But I'm happy for you that you are taking some more positive steps such as joining GAMSTOP and that you're now focusing on good times with your family.
If you need any more support, remember we're always there for you on the freephone helpline 0808 8020 133, or the NetLine.

Best wishes

Deirdre
Forum Admin

Hello Markman,

Just popping by to wish you well. I've read your diary for some time now and my heart goes out to you with the struggles you have had. Stay in the fight though, you can control this and life can be good as i see it has been recently.

I know what you mean about Gamstop, i was 100% online too its a great tool that can help a lot of people.

Stay well my friend.

All the best.

Thank you so much for your words of support Swj and Deide. Swj, you words have particularly humbled me this morning. I am never presumptuous enough to consider that the musings strike a chord with anyone else and it means so much that it does. One thing about this Forum that I love is just how often kindness beckons from an entirely unexpexcted source.

Today is a beautiful sunny day in Middlesex. My big girl has her first GCSE exam this afternoon and as I recall I had the same first exam on a very similarly bright, warm day.

I was up at the crack of dawn this morning thinking I would make the family tea and breakfast only to find that big girl was already up and doing some last minute cramming with drink in hand. So I made tea for Mrs Markman and the boy.

I tried to remove as much stress of the exams from the big girl by telling her that while we know she is very clever and can acheive whatever grades she desires, it does not matter if she has a bad day and fails to perform in any exam as we will not be cross with her and she can alway retake. Never the less she knows we have every faith in her and I am sure she will so just fine.

There is absolutely no way that I will be gambling for the foreseeable future. This is crunch time. I need to be there for big girl and my family more then ever now, both in body and in mind, and I will also need to have cash to hand to go out and buy big girl some energy boosting snack when she is in the cramming zone!

Markman

Best of luck to your daughter(although sounds like she will ace her exams! ) You sound like you're ticking the boxes of supportive parent, not easy sometimes when we have our own struggles. My daughter has mock a'levels next week as well as tons of homework. I have never been very academic but I can tell these results mean the world to her so am doing everything I can to support, but she'l be back on the housework rota straight after lol. Enjoy this sunny GF day S:)

Thanks again Sharon!I replied on your diary.

As expected, there is lots of discussion regarding the proposed £2 maximum stake on FOTB.

I personally view this as a very good thing.

I do not think it is intended to deal with the issues underlying addiction. I think it is more of an attempt at damage limitation.

My problem gambling started off with sport. I used to laugh at the FOBT zombies until I got bitten and turned into one myself.

Here's the thing. I could go into shop armed with a £10 note and spend a quarter of an hour on 20p spins. Sometimes I would win and sometimes I would walk out having lost my £10. I had some entertainment and was slightly niggled at losing £10 but no real damage done.

Unfortunately for me, I just love those awful Fortune Spins. Countless times I have walked into a shop with literally hunderds of pounds of notes thinking just one or two Fortune Spins, only to lose and then chase until I had lost it all.

As far as FOBTs go, only those wretched Fortune Spins have done any damage to me and I will sleep better at night for the implementation of the £2 maximum stake.

The £2 maximum stake plus the innovation of GAMSTOP will pretty much remove all of the dangerous forms of gambling for me personally. I personally could not have wished for better blocks.

I must not be complacent and will always need to be wary of the danger addiction poses. However, if I do slip, I know the damage will be limited and as a result I feel all the more confident in developing my recovery.

Markman

21st May. 21 days since my crazy meltdown. 10 days until payday and the next cycle.

I am so grateful for the blocks that I have in place. Gamstop has taken away my ability to gamble online which is was the one major destructive gambling channel for me and the shop self-exclusions make it a gamble in itself whether I would even be allowed in the door.

It is a strange feeling but not having easy access to gambling channels feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Now I know the channels have been blocked not being able to gamble is a non issue whereas I have previously found not being able to gamble qute distressing. That's right - it is not the losing but purely not being able to gamble itself that has on many an occasion been distressing for me. I think that is the very essence of gambling addiction.

I am very conscious that I am once again counting the days which is something I only ever do when I am on the back of a bad gambling period.

My countdown to June is positive though. I yearn to start a fresh month gamble free with a clean slate and then it will be only 8 weeks until I take my family on their European driving holiday and I cannot wait.

Markman