The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

This morning I am feeling exhausted and run down. The come down that usually accompanies the relief following the end of a very stressful time.

30 days ago my wages came in 3 days early and without even thinking I logged on to a new site and a made a small deposit, followed by numerous other small deposits and then a few large deposits and 24 hours later I had wasted an entire day and squandered a month's spending money.

Thankfully I had the sense to pay the bills and hand over the house keeping money to Mrs Markman but my lapse hit me for six and all of the old feelings of fear, guilt and worthlessness were back in a flash.

I think the last 30 days have been a penance for me. I have spent the last 30 days purposefully living on next to nothing, going without lunch at work (or munching on 35p ramen noodles), not going out and pretty much abstaining from anything that would cost me money. By doing so I have undone the financial damage caused by my degenerate behaviour.

I have of course registered with Gamstop and have local exclusions in place so the triangle is broken, unless I drive 10 miles across London to gamble for which I have no inclination.

So I have been paid a day early this time. All bills paid first thing this morning and housekeeping handed over to Mrs Markman.

I have a humble allowance for June but compared to last month I feel like a king. I never was interested in money. I have humble taste and can easily live for a week on a tenner. It is only when I gamble that I lose sight of the value of money and become as grasping as anything. That is not the way I want to be.

How many times have I heard someone on a far less salary say how they could not afford a weekend away or a Playstation for their little one knowing that I could have paid for either with the money I blew on Australian Rugby or Indian Cricket over the weekend.

So going forward I need to abstain, I need appreciate what I have and I really need to learn to respect the value of money.

Whilst writing I have received a letter from Sandra, my sponsor child in Mexico, who says she alway prays for me and warms my heart that I am doing her some good. Her father is an agricultural labourer and earns $4.65 a month.

Markman

Hi Markman, a very honest and thoughtful post as always. My relationship with money has been destriyed by gambling and even niw I don't but myself things poasibly because I feel I don't deserve them. Money really deoes my head in so I try to stickto a budget abd mainly pay in cash because it's more real to me. Hope you're surviving exam season. I don't post much but check in every day to remind myself in black and white of the damage gambling causes, take care Sx

Hey Markman! You have a photo! I've just got to say that your posts are always my favourites. Your humour always gets me... through all the sxxx we go through I can see you're such a decent person and I really hope you the best! Let's both stay gamble free and maybe one day I can buy you a pint!

Thanks for your post Markman... that helped me as much as you suggested I helped you. Just remember you’re not a bad person... far from it you appear to have a moral compass and the heart of a lion. I feel how down you are in your recent posts. I’ve been there but right now it’s sadly water off the ducks back for me. I need to change that perspective as it normalises the abnormal. It can justify the next binge as inevitable. It’s so wrong. I know that if I stay clean life will be much better. I want that and I need that for my sanity. Keep the faith.

Hi Markman,

Sounds like you are doing well and still fighting, gamstop seems to be working too, keep that triangle broken!

Not long to summer hols now, enjoy Germany I am off camping which should be fun. Always relaxing when it is gamble free.

Paulds

Thanks Paul. Thanks Change.

Yes, I am still gamble free and fighting a good fight.

It is all a numbers game. 3 hours until home time. 3 days to the weekend. 10 days until the final payday loans are paid and 45 days until I take the family on its European Vacation.

Work is steady and I am providng for my family.

Very much enjoying the World Cup and helping Louis fill my.. er... I mean... his, sticker album!

Markman

Nice one Markman! 10 days till end of the payday loans and 45 tills hols... it’ll come round fast.

Also check out @CheapPanini on twitter!

Give us another post Markman!

Hi Markman, thanks for posting! Hope your daughter is ploughing through her GCSEs ready for the Summer of fun. You sound so supportive ref A levels, I do chip in if needed usually for Chemistry testing although can't pronounce all the words lol Yes gsmbling seems like a bad dream sometimes, still clearing the financial damage but I'l get there. Ironically gambling recovery had surfaced an inner strength that I can do something if I really commit. Take care my friend S 🙂

Hi Markman,

By my reckoning that was the end of the dreaded payday loans? Hope all is well, stay strong and enjoy the prep for the holiday.

Paulds

Change, Sharon, Paulds - thank you so much for your kind words and support. You make this forum worthwhile for me.

I haven't been so active on the forum lately. Work, both domestic and professional, has taken its toll and it has either been nose to the grindstone or nose to the pillow. But I am still gamble free. Those payday loans have indeed been repaid. It is just 25 days until the family hits the South of France and Italy for what I hope will be the best holiday yet. I truly cannot wait to get into the car to start our epic drive. Last night we watched Mr Bean's Holiday to get into the mood and it really did.

So my little lady has just celebrated her Sweet Sixteen and our garden was awash with raucous teenagers from Saturday evening until dawn on Sunday. I feel old. I went out in to the garden at one point to ask them to quieten down and they heckled me. I did not make that mistake twice!

The party game me an idea, as an avid DIYer. I do get very frustrated when working on a project I have to switch of my powertools before the 9pm watershed. Yet parties seem to be a loophole. It seems to me that you can host a party and blare music into the small hours of the morning as long as you only do it once or twice a year. Now I have a bench that is going to need a lot more sanding and it would be useful to work in one long shift over night. So I was wondering whether I could remove the grounds of complaint from neighbours if I played very loud party music in the background so as to drown out the sound of my Bosch K9-5000W Random Orbital Sander. Just wondering!

Markman

Holiday is in sight... stay safe.

You work till 9pm! I’ve got a toddler so need to quit at 7pm or I’d get no sleep.

You could help the fitness regime and hand sand it through till the morning. You’d have arms and a back like the hulk just in time for the holiday!

Hi Markman,

Must be a week or so until your holiday, stay strong until then and enjoy your trip.

Glad to hear you managed to end the payday loans, god how I hate them.

Nice theory on the noise !

Paulds

Thanks for your kind words as ever Paul!

So tonight, or rather early morning, we finally set off.

In just under four hours time at 2am we make our way down to Dover to check in at 5am for our crossing.

2 nights in Paris. Excursions to Disneyland and to the Summit of the Eiffel Tower and then a 700 mile drive down south to the French and Italian Riviera for two weeks of sun, sea, sand and appreciating what I can achieve and do for my family without gambling.

I am very excited but exhausted. 60 agonising hours at work in four days to handover to a poor colleague who will be in my seat while I am away.

There will be no looking over my shoulder and wondering what mistakes I may have made in a gambling haze.

I know my work will be covered so I can focus 100% on my beloved family and I just cannot wait!

I will be singing these lyrics from my favourites for the next two weeks:

"I've got money in the bank; gas in the tank; I've got news for you baby you're looking at the man!"

- finally once again!

Markman

What a great post! Wishing you and your family a fantastic holiday S 🙂