Hi
I can honestly say that I was a very slow learned, I thought the only thing wrong with me was a gambling and money problem.
I use to think that if I got all the money I lost back I would be happy. Not true for me.
I use to think that if I stopped Gambling that I would be happy. Not true for me.
I had no faith or confidence in myself, I found very difficult to be honest and accountable to myself.
What drove me to gamble, in time for me I understood that I was emotionally vulnerable, when I could not cope emotionally in a healthy way I would escape to unhealthy habits.
Because of the adrenaline emotional highs which were fear based, in rushing to hide I could not see or feel the harm and pain I was causing to myself and other people.
On walking in to the recovery program on hearing God or religion mentioned I reacted in my fears and my mistrust.
I can not say how long to open up even the least amount took time.
Talking about being in action was not healthy for me, dwelling on money lost was not healthy for me, once I got in to talking about my emotional triggers that day, talking about my fears anxiety my impatience and intolerance.
I found out that all the time I am focusing on other people I was not being focused on those things I needed to do for myself.
It took me time to write down my needs, my wants, and of course my goals.
The guilt shame regret was all about the pains I caused myself and other people, standing still living in the past would not change any thing.
Standing static doing nothing with my time was hard time, it was making it hard for myself.
Money lost was gone, standing still doing nothing was not going to resolve any thing.
To sit down and work out how much you can afford to pay back each month, and to not rush myself because i was feeling guilty and ashamed.
I use to fear using computers, I use to fear being honest and accountable to myself, before my recovery I was scared to face my reality, my fears of being honest came from the beatings I got when I was honest.
Anxiety, stress, nervousness, procrastination for me were all very unhealthy fear based issues.
For me every painful traumatic event in my life caused fear in me that I did not understand.
Is recovery worth while, does it work, how much do I get out of it, well I have been in recovery since 1969 I was a very slow learner, I have lost count of the times I went back to my addictions and my obsessions.
This year I have been clean over 29 years. At the beginning I was very much focused on how long since my last bet.
Now I understand that the quality of my recovery is what is important.
It was funny at our local meeting this year I was telling them I was clean 26 years, then suddenly I realized it was 29 years, I told the meeting I apologized for not telling the truth.
I am going to have my birthday in August this year on a date convenient to the meeting.
I am not in to pins so I will have my birthday to show my appreciation to the people in the group who helped me become healthier this year.
In time I would recognize how much on the edge I use to live, rushing about all the time, I use to say that people use to stress me out, that was not true I reacted to some very unhealthy people in an unhealthy way.
Why should I get healthier and react in some very unhealthy ways and internalise their problems.
There were some very healthy people I met in my life, yet did not understand it at the time, well balanced tolerant kind people who I use to think were weird.
Yet those very healthy people had a healthy impact on me yet did not understand it till well in to my recovery.
So if I now understand that recovery is a healthy healing process how much more healing do I need to do today, is that hurt inner child completely free today.
The wording self sufficient what did that mean, did it mean being selfish, being the victim I felt that I could not help myself, I use to think that I was clever getting people to do things for myself, that if I could get things cheap I was being clever.
Now if some one has a skill I would like to learn, I ask, would you show me how to do it for myself.
The recovery program is very much mountain climbers using the rope of safety, with others and healthy sponsors who have a two way street interaction with me we discuss things our so I have a much clearer understanding how to progress with in myself.
My fear of intimacy started in my child hood, my inability to communicate was very poor and I was unable to articulate what my feelings and my emotions were at any time.
What was very powerful how my levels of fears reduced from 10 out of 10 to really low single numbers.
In discussing those fears and faced them head on was amazing.
It was my pleasure to do talks in a recovery center for over two years, I miss it today.
I was able to talk to people in all addictions, once we understand that the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms, that once we understand we are emotionally vulnerable and can find resolve to not react in such unhealthy ways our life become less and less volatile.
Peace calm tolerance calmness serenity were not being fully understood or appreciate when walking in to the recovery program on the very lonely first day.
Investing time in my recovery has helped me heal and come out of that traumatic suppressed awareness cloud.
The emotional trauma's in my life adversely affected my ability to learn and understand also reduce my ability to absorb understand information and education.
After one session with a counsellor it was opening up times when I was sent away to boarding school.
After the session I found that I was more in to a state deep of trauma, my response time was drastically reduced and awareness also reduced and it was like that for 11 days, then after that time I opened up more healthy than before, my awareness was far more improved, my conscious thinking and calculating had vastly improved.
At 15 years of age that was 60 years ago, I walked out of the school with no qualifications what so ever, in effect I felt free to do nothing with my life, and I said it, then I went down to the coast and I did exactly as I wanted, a year of doing absolutely nothing, then I knew that doing nothing was not what I wanted.
How to get motivated how to heal my deep seated pains and over come the traumas of my life and heal from of my deep seated pains.
I have suffered many physical pains and many emotional pains, the emotional scars are often the deepest to heal.
I have been cut open with a knife, cut open with a broken bottle, I have been hit and run twice, I have been sexually abused and been ridiculed humiliated, neglected unnurtured unloved and abandoned, I felt neglected and understand that as a young child needed nurturing and affection.
So when walking in to the recovery program my only problem was my addiction and money lost.
After all the traumatic events in my life who would think that this stunted soul could possibly learn a skill and profession that would make a big change to my life.
One person told me that was no chance in hell of me ever being able to learn electronics and get a full professional job in electronics, and then during and after healing and dedication I was able to do some thing so worth while that at one time seemed so impossible for the lost hurt soul.
Being on the road was so very helpful being in my recovery.
I have on one occasion given a talk at a conference and hat was one of my biggest fears, this was not my decision and I can thank a person in the recovery that got me to do it in a very clever manipulative way, the person must have thought it would bring me out of myself.
So being in recovery is it all worth while, yes very much so, I am indebted to how much my life has opened up.
In my recovery I found out that I did not know what love was.
In my recovery I found out that I did not know how much fear I was frozen in.
In my recovery I found out that I did not know how much pain came out of me in anger and rage
In my recovery I found out that I did not know how unhealthy I was and what I was missing in my life.
In my recovery I changed from being self abusive to self nurturing.
I did not know how much I was missing from my life being so unhealthy and pain filled.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
You sound like you could really help others and in the exact head space I would like my husband to get in… he’s in his 40’s and has been taking each day at a time for the most part of this year after a big relapse but a lot of his recovery for me I would like to see him changing his thinking. He still doesn’t quite put others first and doesn’t realise the great future he could have if only he wasn’t scared to try new things, enjoy life and get joy from seeing others happy. Still seems to be in the same mindset of doing things the cheapest way possible, may be not because he wants to use money for gambling as he has no finances but maybe because that’s what he is used to doing…Will be starting a job soon. Still not really one hundred percent listening to me and doesn’t understand how much I feel let down when I discover I haven’t been listened to during daily conversation…yes may not be big things to discuss but I would like the little details remembered, the gambling addiction traits/habits or a man thing? Thank you for your story, it’s so sad to read it could go back so many years to your childhood and words brandished at you at different times in your life , it is very daunting and you must have a lot of courage and strength to fully change and begin engaging in life and making the most of living every day when gambling and low self-esteem have been your way of life for so many years.
Hi
Thank you for your comments.
I could only help others once I got in to helping myself.
I was my own worst enemy for so long.
It takes time to walk in to the recovery program and put time and effort in to his healing process.
Your husband will find a healthy recovery when he really needs and wants it.
Did he understand why he had a big relapse.
I did not value other people and I did not value myself.
In time I have given of myself unconditionally.
I was like many people scared and living in fear long before walking in to the recovery program.
The healthy rooms of recovery for partners can help over the painful periods of your life.
When I was doing things the cheapest way possible, it indicated how little I valued myself.
When I was not listening to healthy advice I felt like people were trying to control me and I reacted in unhealthy ways feeling that way.
There was a comment about men unable to have emotional intimacy with people was it a man thing?
It just indicated how long I had been emotionally traumatized for so long and could not open up emotionally.
Thank you for your comments on my story and on my sharing my experiences.
I even tried to take y own life and then completely blanked it out like it never happened.
I woke up the next morning feeling a complete failure and could not articulate how vulnerable I was feeling.
If it was not for my unhealthy addictions and obsessions I could have gone through my whole life thinking I was happy and at peace with myself.
It is wonderful to feel connected healthy and motivated in healthy ways.
It take some time to heal, to exchange every unhealthy habit in to healthy habit.
My anger indicated to me the pains of my past were not healed, my anger indicated to me that I had not faced my fears, my anger indicated to me that my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, by me having unhealthy reactions by my frustrations I was hurting and causing myself pains.
Yes low self-esteem had been that way most of my life.
To learn and understand that pride was my reward for being healthy in what I said and what I did.
For me recovery is a very healthy thing in my life today.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Good Morning Dave,
That is an incredible post. Very honest and very deep.
Your post has given me lots to think about.
Thank you for that amazing share.
RR
This year I have been clean over 29 years. At the beginning I was very much focused on how long since my last bet.
That is a very long time to not have a bet or gamble, even for someone who is a non-problem gambler. But an especially long time for a problem gambler. I presume as you still attend meetings or come on here, you still feel despite the gap it could come back again? And you would never relax enough to say 'gambling is no longer a problem for me' - I don't mean in terms of to gamble again, but to not even think about gambling any more?
@johnmac Hi
I no longer focus on the day of my last bet.
I do focus more on my daily lists, my commitment to myself.
Abstaining from unhealthy habits just means you stop abusing your self and others.
Only once you abstain froma ll unhealthy habits can the healing process start.
Even today I write down my needs my wanst and in time my goals.
It is not important what people think of you, it is how ever important how much you value your self.
Only when I became selfish in attending meetings would it work for me.
Once you see and hear other people therapies you see and feel your self in their acheievements.
The only person that limits me is my self.
How committed am I to my recovery and healing today.
Dave L
Hi
I was a long time in my recovery when I asked my wife what love was.
With pause she told me that love was giving of your self unconditionally expecting nothing in returm.
The simple truth I did not know what love was.
Because of the pains in my childhood caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Those fears caused my hurt inner child to live in fear.
So in the recovery program we abstain from painful unhealthy habits.
Only once we we abstain from all painful unhealthy habits can the healing process start.
I needed to write down my lists of my fears and in time face each fear one at a time.
Now my frustrations were due to my unreasonabale expectations of people life and situations.
In time as I got more honest with myself I could get more honest in my therapies in the meetings.
Yet sadly could not get honest with my wife for some time afterwards.
Now my intimacy with my wife today is very powerful.
Some time our humour soudns so painful yet we are being playful in our sharing.
Some times I would say some thing really nice to my wife, pause and then say is that what you wanted to hear. LOL.
Often Gamanon people need as much healing or even more as the GA members do.
Thank you.
Dave L
Hi
You are correct it is a very long time to not have a bet or gamble.
I plan for my future yet I live just for today.
Anxiety is very much fear based and now I do not like being anxious and filled with fears.
You are correct to presume I am still still attend meetings each week.
The therapies help me be honest with my self.
Not about the gambling or the money.
The simple truth living in fear and worrying did not get any resolved for me.
It is abaout taking this day today ad making the healthiest choices with out fear affecting my healthy decisions.
To stop reacting in unhealthy ways and exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
To never relax enough is indicating that I was stressing my self out.
The gambling was not my problem for me the gambling was a place to try and escape facing my self and my life.
I use to think that gambling and money would resolve my emotional vulnerablity.
Not so money was only the fuel for my addiction.
Recovery is about healing my pains.
Recovery is about facing and reducing my fears.
Recovery is about reducing my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
Recovery is about being honest with my self.
Recovery is about being healing and becoming the ehalthiest person I can be today.
Dave L
Hi we all help each other through our sharing and honesty.
It is ideal to live our life and to have no fear in our life today and the hurt inner child to be completely healed.
Thank you
Dave L
Hi
Your husband will find ahealthy recovery once he is fuly committed time and effort to a healthy recovery.
In time we exhcange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
Most people fear step four because they think it is painful.
Most people fear being honest they think it is painful.
By our honest sharing in therapies and with counselling help us reduce and face our fears.
Most people fear being emotionally intimate because of the pains of our past hurts and pains of our inner child
Do you think after your husbands last relapse he understood what his emotional trigger was.
Living in fear was a consequence of the pains of my past.
Your husband could reach some healthy goals and a great future if he invests more in to his healing and recovery.
Sadly many people live in fears which is not very healthy for any one.
Thinking that our success is about the cheapest way possible of getting some thing for nothing was my thinking.
I even use to think that getting things cheap or for nothing was my only success.
I use to try and get people to do things for me.
Now I ask people to show me how I can do it for my self.
It is how much we value our self.
In time in my recovery and healing I learned to respect my self more, only the could I respect other people.
In time in my recovery and healing I learned to love my self more, only the could I love other people.
By healing my pains by reducing my fears could a healthy intimacy come in to my life today.
I use to be so inadequate and insecure that why I felt I had to control other people.
Our sharing is based up on trust issues and being fearless.
Once we are healthy and healed we no onger fear emotional intimacy.
It helped me handing over all of my finacnes to my wife.
I felt at the time I was being treated like a naughty child.
In time I understood it was the health of the family.
In time I learned to trust my self with money.
Even today the most money I carry any day is 60.
I understand that every thing that could have been done to me has been done.
I understand that I am a survivor and a much healthier person.
It was my tie and effort and counselling that got me to the person I am today.
It is very frsutrating to want to have honest intimay with an addict yet it takes time to heal.
The addictions and obsessions indicate that a person is emtionally vulneranle and not healed yet.
Yes having such low self-esteem had been my way of life for over 20 years.
@johnmac Hi
The addiction only indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was.
I do not want or need to gamble today.
I am only who I am today because of all of you people help me find a much healthier life with out gambling.
Just for today only I will not gamble.
Thank you
Dave L
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