There is hope for a better tomorrow

Dear Diary,

I am drained, to the point trying to open the laptop from the wrong end for minutes. 🙂

Mari, I am thrilled you have returned. I am going to leave a note on your diary, but wanted to address your comments above, as you could really be speaking about me as well. I am so many things to so many people. I saw your message this morning before work, and thought about it through out the day. I am woman (just thought I would clarify that), I am a daughter, a sister (this has taken on a new meaning since before Christmas), I am a friend, a healthcare profressional, and there are many hats that I wear. Like you Mari, I have a very public persona, that people get to see a lot of, the happy go lucky, cheeky, optimistic, positive, loving life kind of girl. I really do love life, and try and make the best out it. I can with a little effort balance that most of the time. Behind all of this is a very private, complicated person, who is full of self doubt, and insecurities, and worries about everything. When I worry, I hold onto stuff. Admittidly I am much better than I was, but could be better than I am. Therapy and help.......I went first to have rape crisis counselling many years ago now, my early twenties. It is not something that I dwell on, but it has impacted on my life, and the way I live my life. Rather than be bitter about it, which was the easiest thing to do, but a git for eating you up inside, I have accepted it now. It is part of the past, but does not dictate the future much (except on very bad Saturday's, like a few week's ago. I look for the best in people, and expect that in return. What I am saying is, I had no option but to seek that counselling, but I choose to go back, and have post counselling, which set me on a course for where I am today. Fear can hold us all in a very vulnerable place, in fact fear can ground us. Everytime you think of counselling Mari, the fear is getting in there. CBT un-learns that fear. But you have to take that first step. Not for one second do I want you to think I am judging, and this is what I thought about today. I work with people that cannot think beyond 60 seconds, as in they cannot see living past a minute. That is a long 60 seconds, when your sat with someone, feeling that kind of fear. Mixer uses that lovely phrase, a day at a time. I realised today, I use 60 seconds at a time some days. I realised today, that I am soaking all of this up, and it was no wonder, I was into an FOBT machine, to seek solace from all of that. But times are changing...

Just to mix this up with a bit of fun. I remeber LGBT pride a good few years ago. I went out on the Sunday of one week, and came back home to my apartment on the Monday of the following week, now that was a party, oh yeah we were going to work, and playing nicely at being responsible, but then falling out of some club, or pre-pride party....Epic fun really...

Need to go and sort my housekeeping out, laundry has got to emergency status...

Julie x

Hi Julie.

Welcome to GC. I seen you posting but never responded.

This last post rings some bells. I also had counselling before. For my gambling...but in the end we uncovered all the nasty stuff from the past...rapes, negligence, abuse and so on. That's when i learned about my behaviours.

Still learning to be honest ..(had a bender with drink and gambling this weekend) but as you say...i accepted the past. It doesn't really bother me no more & of course for the better if they already burned in hell but if they still walking on this earth...well..they're walking with some dark cloud following them for sure.

Anyway...off the subject! I got a lot from my counselling but also...as i have just been reminded, WE need to put work ourselves. I didn't do that at the time. I opened old wounds and run away from last session.

I am in fellowship now...AA..it's similar experience with sharing and no judgement.

I guess that's all we need to do, take it one day at a time, be greatful for what we have and keep looking ahead. Not always easy as we human beings forget good in our lives way too quickly...but it's ongoing work and progress..keep working at it ☺..You're doing great!

All the best and take care!

Sandra

Hi Sandra,

Thanks so much for your post on my diary. Always believe in karma! The creature that caused me so much pain and misery, died of cancer a good few years ago, and from what I hear it was slow and long and painful. Karma gets us all in the end. Do I feel guilty for wishing that on another human being, do I hell. But I have let go of it all, and on 360 days of the year, I stride out and live my life. As a result of this, I think the things coming up for me, including the gambling recently are coping mechanisim's for when things don't feel okay. But I am slowly slowly learning.. I spent a life time running Sandra, running from things that I found difficult and couldn't cope with. What I will say to you is this. Don't waste precious time on trying to take the pain away, through alcohol or gambling. I have learnt that to my cost.. Stick with AA, try and get yourself into a good place. In times past, I let my past life issues do the talking for me. I am bigger and better than that though, I know that. Life is not a dress rehearsal...this is the real deal..

Today was well okay for a Monday. Got asked to work late, eh no thanks, am home! Getting tea ready. Got a free week's pass to a gym through work, interesting that I was only thinking about trying it.. So going to do that a night this week, see how I go. Picked up a lovely Saturday shift at work, that fell into my lap. Cheshire Oaks Sunday..and yeah all is good in the 'hood. Starting counselling tomorrow afternoon, am I nervous, hell yeah....But am excited to get started.

Julie x

Hi Julie,

Thought I would just send you a quick "Goodluck" for tomorrow message!! Really hope your first session tomorrow goes well which I'm sure it will.

Takecare and all the best

Paul 🙂

Hey Julie....Just checking in with you, hope all is well.

Remember to take care of you!

Mari x

Dear Diary,

Hi Mari (waves). I am here. I started counselling on Tuesday evening. I think maybe partly the reason why I haven't updated my diary. I am just drained...Lots to think about and do in the next 7 days. It is nice to go on a little road trip to counselling. And I got to see the sea....and a carvery tea....

Am going to do a full update tomorrow, am just jaded.....but in good spirits...

Julie x

Almost a Month gamble free Julie!

Enjoy your shopping trip tomorrow!!

Hugs...Mari xx

Wow, that was a lively one on the webchat tonight Julie. Glad you stood your ground. I had your back 🙂 !

Morning Julie

Hope you had a fantastic weekend back home, some nice chilled time with your family. Hope all is ok and i'm intrigued about the above comment from Mixer 🙂 Take Care, Dan.

Mixer, I knew you had my back...I felt that. But I was fine. I won't let my bone go with the dog, as they say. I have my own personal thoughts on that situtatiion, but it was just for the newbies that I felt for. I think Mixer, we need to remember respect for others.

Dan, good morning. There was a few big personalities in chat last night, and it got a bit messy. I am typing from the Emerald Isle. Standing in Mam's kitchen. All good at home. My brother is shockingly thin, and failed. But Mam and Dad tell me that he has improved 50%, so I really would not have liked to have seen him four weeks ago. He is slowly eating again, and we had a long chat last night before bed. Hope you have a smashing Monday. Chat to you when I get back to the UK. X

Going back home today...lovely trip home. Just a quick post, am nipping into town to have a last look around before I leave in the afternoon.

Julie x

I was going to type in this yoke of a diary tonight, but I realised that by doing so, I would be dragging up the whole day again. I am tired now, and should rest my body and mind. Tomorrow is a new day. I aim to get up before work and type some thoughts. I am good. I had counselling this afternoon. I resisted for a while, to going, now I cannot imagine not going, and that is after two sessions. I realised today, a few things...One, I don't always have to be strong, two I am not a girl's girl...I support other women, but I am not a girl's girl...and three being aloof is a coping mechanism.....there is hope for me diary, there is hope for a better tomorrow. There is hope for me, and there is hope for life.....and love...

Good night

Julie x

Hi Julie
Congrats on completing March GF
X

Thanks Dan. I have stopped counting days, and started to work on me. March has been steady and littered with little obstacles. Have a great day and weekend ahead xx

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Hey Julie just want to say a massive thank you for your support today you are an amazing human being and have impacted my life massively x

Hey Nannai, no worries. We look out for each other each, and your turn was today. Keep the faith, keep your chin up, and keep moving forward, day by day, or hour by hour xx

I have a problem dear diary. I installed a Gamblock thing on my Chromebook that is compatible. But.....it blocks Gamcare...now Gamcare is my lifeline, so there is no point in blocking sites to gamble on, when I cannot get on Gamcare itself...Can any tech heads give me an idea of what to do....any help would be gratefully received.

Today I spent running and running and running....I need to slow down....Working tomorrow, I feel I need to, as am going to London next weekend, and Ireland the week after....but hey ho...what can one do..Sunday is sleep day.

Julie x