This is going to be so hard

Day 7 - Relapse

Made it seven days without a bet but tonight I gave in and ended up playing Roulette winning £400.

I do not feel like I've won. £400 doesn't feel like a substantial amount compared to what I've lost recently but the urges to bet tonight were so strong and I gave in. I wanted to carry on playing but forced myself to stop at this point and take the money.

Alan, thanks for your words above and I really will take note of them. I'm going to take a break from this site as I get my head together. I feel writing a diary makes me think of gambling more.

-Ross

Morning Ross .

I'm sorry to hear your news but fair credit to you for coming back on and admitting the fact :))

I'm not going to start preaching to you , simply because for so many years I've walked in your shoes so understand the pull that addiction has to bring you back . I tried time and again to get my gambling under control , taking a couple of day's break or even managed a week occasionaly or by cutting down on my stakes or just gambling on one particular thing but as testiment to the fact I ended up here , they just didn't work and that's simply because I had become a compulsive gambler and couldn't control it . Maybe you haven't hit a low enough point yet ? I didn't stop until I was sat one day with my daughter and family all around on her 30th birthday , I was there alright but the only thing I could think of was ending my life and that's how bad it can become . You said you didn't feel you'd won £400 and the truth is that you haven't , trust me it will all go back the way the other winnings have gone and more besides as the saying goes " We can never win , because we can never stop " .

I wish you well my friend and hope you find your " Rock bottom " sooner than later ! .

Take care fella and you know where we are :))

Alan

Hi Ross

Whilst writing a diary might make you think about gambling, you're at least getting some perspective by doing so. When we write we reflect and we tend to see gambling for what it is. So yes writing does bring gambling to the fore, but it's positive and the complete opposite from the impulsive, non reflective world of gambling.

Ignoring addiction doesn't work. This is because it's a symptom of the emotional struggles you are having. If you ignore, you repress and go into a dangerous internal world, dominated by pain avoidance and pleasure seeking. A world away from your values and thee person you really want to be.

Your relapse is probably more a product of ingrained habit over X years rather than due to writing a diary.

Stay open, connect with others about your problems, don't hide away.

Best wishes

Louis