This is it before I self destruct!!!

Thanks again Suzanne and thanks ODAAT! I feel so alone sometimes it so great to get your support on here 🙁

Just visited my mum and shes lifted my mood a bit - we didnt talk about gambling or anything, just other things. I have noticed that I am very on edge all the time though, dont know why when I am talking to mum....maybe theres things I want to say but cant :/

Hubby wants to talk through the finances which i dont blame him, dreading it!!!! I bet he'll wish I had just had some kind of affair or something, might be less destructive than this! His trust in me will be / or is destroyed. I hate what I have become.....

Oh gotta somehow keep strong and keep going to face this HELL...I am never going back!!!!

Mel x

Hi Mel

It sounds like maybe the conversation about finances that is imminent is perhaps the reason why you feel on edge. Although on here you may be open about things it does sound as if all is not so transparent within relationships at home and that probably explains why you are understandably feeling so apprehensive and not fully able to feel too happy about things at the moment; even though do not forget you're doing tremendously well.

You should be sooo proud of yourself as this stopping is definitely not easy. It isn't just the not playing - the fact that you can see the destructive impact on your life seems to be making that part relatively straight forward. But it is perhaps the massive change you have felt from being within the mindset of a compulsive gambler for so long that is merely taking time to adjust. The stress and amount of time gambling eats into your life is indescribable and you sound like you're still suffering the stress of it in the short term until finances are a little more stable and maybe once the conversation with hubby has been had (albeit an extremely difficult conversation) it could be the start of things starting to feel brighter and may help you feel more optimistic about things.

Think positive - you can and will and are beating this.

Clare x

Mel, he knows that something is wrong anyway so getting it all out will hopefully be a weight off of your mind! Hopefully he will be able to see this for the disease that it is & be able to see how hard you are fighting for your life back & be able to offer you the support you need! Don't forgrt that Gamcare offer a friends & family service should he want to speak to anyone!

This may feel horrible now but hell is actually where you were! Keep waking forwards & I really hope Mr Mel shocks you with his love & support! Stay strong - ODAAT

Thanks Clare and ODAAT :,)

I know everything you say is right and it's right that I tell him all even without him prompting it - after all it's his money I have squandered too!!! I am going to try to arrange for my daughter to say away for the night. She's 12 and wants in on all the conversations!! I don't want to her to hear us talking / arguing about it.

But I have got to 14 days GF, I am never going back!!!

Mel xx

Hiya Mel

Super well done on 14 days - I'm really hoping we make this together and it helps me knowing you are staying on track too.

I think it's a good idea of yours to find the right time and opportunity to discuss things and that's not easy!

But at least you're on your recovery journey now so that's a massive positive. It's difficult denying yourself something you used to 'enjoy' but there's a lot better ways to make you and your family happy and we have now chosen to walk along the right path. May we never ever look back ! Keep at it !

Clare x

Dear Diary,

Well, I have always believed in guardian angels and mine is watching over me. Submitted my tax return for last year I have overpaid my tax by £1.3k!!! which is on its way back to my bank account and means 'goodbye, payday lenders!!!!' I am so so happy I could actually cry......onwards and upwards, never going back!!!!

Mel xx

Thank Goodness you were here in recovery when that news came through, I'm so happy for you 🙂

I know ODAAT! I would have blown the bloody lot!! :-/

Feel like I can breath a little but still a long way to go - one day at a time still for me !! 🙂 xx

Ye know it is so great. I am so pleased for you! I've also noticed a few things going my way with money too lately. Not £1.3 k worth though Haha. Bet you're over the moon.

Hope you enjoy getting those pay day loans sorted and your 'April' the month of regaining control of day to day finances has been brought forward. I'm really pleased for you Mel 🙂

Hi Mel,

Very pleased that you can now sort those horrible PD loans out quicker than you thought you would,

Pay them off, say goodbye and good riddance to them, and feel proud that you have paid them off.

Being in recovery gifts us in many different ways, happy for you Mel.

Suzanne xx

Thanks everyone and I fully intend to get rid of them forever!! It was addiction that drove me to them and that will not ruin me anymore!! Oh, I remember the days when credit card flyers would come through the door for cards charging gazillion % and I would think 'o*g, I would never be that stupid to pay that!!!' roll on x years and here I am 🙁 = I am stupid and poor. I have some that I pay monthly which will all be paid by March which will free up a quarter of our joint salaries every month so can finally start getting some money into savings again.

Its just insane when I think back over the last 2 years to think how much of my life I have wasted sat behind a laptop, money wasted - I know I shouldnt think of whats gone, but it makes me so angry at my self its really helping me keep focussed. I find that my determination is that I refuse to have a christmas like last one (short term I know!!). It was lovely in a way as we spent time with family but the build up was awful purely due to lack of funds, motivation for it, i hardly even wrote any xmas cards!! No, I am not wasting my life like this any longer - I am never going back!!

Mel xx

For what it's worth, I don't think you're stupid...You wouldn't be here if you were but I completely understand what you are getting at! Aaarrggghhh...How can we have allowed ourselves to have sunk so low! Flaming addiction 🙁

But, it is no more, we now know that we can not only function perfectly well without it but that we are actually living again 🙂 I'm not sure it's completely healthy but I too am hanging on to what I was as a tool to never go back!

Onwards & upwards - ODAAT

Morning.

Well done on 17 days 🙂 just the start of many many more !

Over half a month. Over 4% of the 2015 challenge complete!

Keep going - we are doing this !

Clare x

Hey Mel.

Hope you've had a good weekend 🙂 and staying strong.

Clare x

Hi Diary,

3 weeks today since my last binge and I am happy to report that I am still feeling strong and abstaining. My emotions are all over the place, one minute I am happy, then sad, then angry.... I have never liked January - xmas is over, dark mornings for getting up for work, dark nights, pants weather!! but I am nearly 1 month into beating this evil addiction that has / had taken over my life! 🙂 so looking forwrd to 2015.

Mel xx