TiMe FoR cHaNgE

hey Rb,

just read your last post and am certainly not qualified to dish out advice on life....so this is just my take on it i guess and i hope it may help.....everyone thinks I'm the most outgoing person, but like all of us there are thing's i fear.....I'm not a bad guy but my life has been full of up's and down's like most...don't want to bore you with the detail but if there's one thing i now understand a little more is unless you tackle your fears head on you will never beat them....it's took me 16years to even start to tackle my gambling, and i don't know why.......i guess what i'm trying to say is we are all different but all the same!..we all fear something......i can't imagine how tough thing's are for you at the moment.but wish you all the best.....and hope you can conquer your fears or just start to however is best for you.

green x

Hi Rb,

I also know what its like to go for weeks on end with very little human contact, just those cursory chats with till operators. Isolation and loneliness feeds the gambling as am sure many people who use this forum know only too well... me included.

I also know what its like to feel lonely and then gamble my money away and then feel overwhelmingly lonely which only feuls further gambling and all the shame and guilt which may follow from that. It really is a truely vicious circle. I have been their I can relate and my thoughts are with you.

Its ok am not going to suggest joining in with stuff, doing classes and all the usual well meaning things that people say to meet people but I will say this. When you start doing things just for your self..anything that gets you feeling good about yourself.. anything that lifts your self-esteem.. whether it involves being around people or not.. it will help.

I have not spoken to anybody today ( I got answer machines when i made a few calls) but I am feeling ok and thats because of the following. I tidied and cleaned my flat and did my washing... a small sense of acheivement. I did some journaling writing on this site... something i always enjoy. I walked to Tescos ( I love to walk) and bought myself something nice for tea, which i am cooking now and ive just put the water heating back on.. cos later i will wallow in teh bath and listen to some cool music.

What am getting at is this. Being around people and socialising is not the be all and end all. In fact sometimes I feel even more lonely in a crowd than being on my own. I find as a general principle that if I eat well, sleep well, get regular exercise, look after my appearance, look after my flat and generally do positive things.. it helps to deal with loneliness.

Blimey ive ramlbed on.. I will shut up.. take care of yourself.. S.A 🙂

hi Awayout, green and Starting_Again - thanks for your posts. I was having such a rubbish day yesterday i dont think ive ever been that angry or frustrated with myself, i dont even know what for!

ive been ok today, still very anxious and restless, i think its the lack of sleep. managed to just relax and catch the ch4 program Dispatches about the ongoings in Gaza - the images were extremely shocking and it puts things in perspective - my life isnt so bad. If you saw the program youll know what i mean when i say its an eye opener.

Just watched TV, did a bit of job hunting, then cleaned my room up a bit, and here i am! feeling hungry now so will make something to eat then join chat a little bit later on.

Hi RB, sorry to hear your're having a rough time lately. The last few weeks have been such a rollercoaster. But you're doing really well. Have a nice Monday. Take care

Dee x

so yesterday evening i did something i didnt think i could ever do. I took up the offer from this girl to meet for a drink, ive put it off for 2 years! but suprisingly i had a good time, everything just disappeared for those 2 hours, and i felt like i was actually "me".

it took alot of courage to go out the house to be honest. i havent really stepped outside for 2 months. same goes for talking to someone, it was the longest conversation i have had in months. and it felt good to just be out there and not have to worry about debts, lack of a job, or anything for that matter.

i woke up this morning feeling anxious again. but a different kind of anxious then i have felt for the past few months, i think more of an excitement that my life doesnt have to be on a downer all the time. yes, i have many debts to repay over the next few years and life wont be as comfortable as i would like it to be, but at least it can be comfortable and i know i can have a little bit of fun without feeling guilty about it!

i still have a long way to go, im a shell of what i used to be, but hopefully counselling and just getting out there will help me get there.

RB

(((RB)))

I’m so happy for you that you had a nice evening. You are allowed to have fun, never feel guilty about that. Put aside the stick that beat you up for so long. Smiles and laughter can do the world of good. I’m glad you have found some comfort in yourself. I’m also seeing bits of the real me emerging. And it feels good. Hold onto that. Recovery is a process that can feel lonely sometimes, but we are definitely not alone. We don’t have to search too far to realise the devastation compulsive gambling can cause. Be reassured that you will get there. Along the way let yourself experience many enjoyable moments, embrace them. Find yourself again.

Take care

Dee

3rd counselling session today, made me think alot afterwards. she really pushed some of my thoughts, and it took me back a little bit.

over a month i havent gambled now, and the urge monkey is back on my back. just getting really frustrated with the work situation, very difficult to find a job and its not getting any better - all i want to do is escape 🙁

one way ticket to perth please 🙁

Hi (((RB)))

Hugs, you sound a little sad.

I think its great you're attending counselling sessions. It should benefit you to explore those deeper issues. As for the escape, there's no need for me to remind you that when you emerge, those issues that drove you into hiding will fall on you heavier than before.

Take care RB, I'm really glad you're here.

Dee x

thanks for hug Dee 🙂

ive used this site heavily over the past month as i try to regroup and gain some focus in my life. im going to take a break for a while, from both my daily routine and this site as ive decided to visit my gran where i hope i can do a little thinking about what i want in life - and more importantly theres no internet there so no means of gambling!

i had a counselling session yesterday, and it became apparent that ive never actually known who i am. Other people here write on the forum that they've lost themselves, and arent the person they used to be. well with me i dont think ive lost myslef as ive never really known who i was. so im going to take a timeout from everything.

take care and good luck

RB

i've been away from the site only a week while i took some time out from everyone and everything to clear my head. only a week, but ts a long time for me as i spend a number of hours a day reading posts on here for the past month. but it saddened me when i came on here today, in only a week there are so many new members, facing the early day struggles ive faced so many times. dont get me wrong im really glad they found this site and have had the strength to post, but i know so well how hard those first few hours, days and weeks are and i wish you all well in your time of need.

i managed to clear my thoughts over the last few days, just put things in perspective. i understand my gambling problem now and am working to address the underlying causes with my counsellor. i have a stack of debt over 30k to pay, but that will eventually go with time. Im unemployed, and yes the economy isnt looking too good right now, but there are jobs out there and something will come along eventually. i think life is all about compromise, patience and persistence, and thats exactly what im going to do. so what if i cant pay my bills next month, ill have to compromise with my lenders until i get back into work. so what if i have debt, ill just have to be patient and it'll clear. and so what if i still have issues emtionally from my up bringing which are still hurting me now, with persistance i can over come them.

i started this diary over 3 and a half years ago. im actually scared to read most of it back. i remember writing about good days where i didnt gamble and made a payment on my credit card, and the times where i was so close to suicide i know it would be so painful to read that back now. i feel like ive closed a chapter in my life. i think this time ive beat my gambling addiction and i can finally put an end to misery that gambling brought.

where would i be if i didnt start gambling those 5 years ago? i dont know to be honest. i doubt the money that i have lost would have brought any happiness to me. i would still be battling the gremlins that caused me to gamble. i think gambling has given me the strength to reach out for that help that i so desperatley needed.

i know for certain i wont ever play online poker again. i dont have the urge to play anymore, but i know the temptation is all around so im still very careful. ive never been in a casino or even a bookies, my problem was always online. its so easy to hide behind a screen and play. actually its too easy.

i still dont slepp well at night, i have too much energy at night and all i do is think about is whats next? i dont know and i think thats what scares me a little.

i also have a ray of light (ironically i call her sunshine) in a friend who has stuck by myside even when everyone else has deserted me, even my own family. she doesnt know my problem, but i talk to her more then anyone else, and im so glad shes in my life else i think id have lost hope a long time ago. if you ever read this sunshine, thankyou so much, i think you saved my life.

gamcare has been a big part of my life for the past 4 years, the virtual community here and the support that i have had, i cant ever repay. whats even more hard to believe is i got it all for free. I feel like ive closed a chapter in my life, and in a way, maybe closed my diary here. i will always continue to use gamcare, continue to utilise the great resources here and if i can contribute to the future of it. but i truely believe i have put my gambling problem to the grave, its taken me 4 years, but ive done it.

so unless i really feel the need to write, im closing my diary, a success story (for now) about a guy who had it all, lost it all, went through it all, came out of it a broken man, tried to kill himself, salvaged what was left, built his way back up to address his real problems, and quit the fantasy world of online poker.

I still have a long way to go, not to recover from gambling, but to recover my life. I truley believe everyone is on this planet for a reason, so when one day i do read back this diary, i hope i have the answer to the question i've always struggled to answer - what am i here for?

RB

Its funny i just posted my first post and i see you've just posted what could be your last. I'll look foward to reading back more of your diary but it was such a relief to scan through and find someone that has seemingly laid his demons to rest or at least given them a good beating. I Wish you well and thanks for posting this stuff, it really does feel like the start of something for me and its good to step into a world where there is a great deal of

understanding and empathy.

hi RB,

a great post,....honest,truthful,and inspiring.......what are we here for?..wish i had the answer to that one mate,for me we are here to live and enjoy life...ok thing's get in the way but by the sound of it one of the big thing's in your way has been moved aside...so" live life and enjoy"...every day that passes can never be 'lived' again.

all the best mate,

green x

Hi RB, my friend,

RB! You posted on my first diary that I erased. I will never forget it. You helped me through a difficult time when I was so lost.

In your most recent post, you seem to be expressing a range of emotions, varying from early days of recovery, financial implications, suicide tendencies, sunshine…. You have recognised that there is a deeper reason behind your gambling. Personally I know gambling was a means for me to escape, but if someone told me this at the time I would have shoved them miles away. You end your last post saying that you reckon you’re finished with Gamcare and diary writing. I recently made a decision not to post here anymore. Probably for my own selfish reasons: not feeling like I belong, wanting to give up, even after all the help that was offered to me. But I checked back in and I read your post. And I can relate to so much of your diary RB. I can’t answer your final question ‘what you are here for?’ But maybe we might just live one day at a time and embrace the presence in hand; maybe we don’t need to search for answers why we are here just yet! Take each day as it comes. Take good care of youself RB 🙂

Boo,

Just noticed you havent posted in a while. Hope all is well. Recovery becomes a bit draining for me sometimes but I have faith it will get better. Take care RB.

Dee x

dont know how much longer i can do this. i hate my life right now and i dont see an end to it. when is enough enough?