Time to start my diary ...

Thanks ODAAT and Muststop for posting (I'm sort of jealous of your meaningful usernames - I got mine from a random word search).

But I do feel much more confident in my reslove today. John Wayne has shuffled out of the saloon, knowing he'd be wasting his time trying to convince me to gamble today. Even if I did want to join another site - I just wouldn't have the energy. It's all such a faff to upload passports and bills to verify.

I've decided that I'll buy no more than 1 bottle of port per week. It's Christmas after all and it will put my weekly unit count to 20. Not too bad. As long as the booze doesn't wake up John Wayne.

After posting my last post I spontaneously headed to an art gallery without making an appointment. I just needed to get out of the house and do something productive. Dropping in unannounced is always a bit risky and frowned upon (they always like to imagine themselves as very busy people), coupled with the fact that I always feel like some sort of beggar when I walk through a gallery door. I knew the owner would roast my work - which she did - but I think it ended on a positive and she definitely wants to see more work. Doing this, really did seem a much better investment of my time and energy, rather than playing voyeur to other people's high-rolling Blackjack games.

The weekend is here and I'm positive that come Monday I'll still be sitting on the gf train.

And I'm glad the cowboy John Wayne is in a big sulk. He takes defeat badly.

Thanks again for the people who've supported me and I'm grateful to be part of Team GF rather than Team Relapse. That sounds a bit discriminatory - I don't mean it to be.

Day 19.

Not many gambling urges today. Hardly any compared to previous days, and none of them strong.

It's like in those war films when after days of fighting, the enemy suddenly goes very quiet and you just know they're planning a big humdinger of an attack.

Or maybe they've just beat a retreat and that's the end of the film. The war's over. Maybe this spells the end of my John Wayne film.

I feel sad today. Not sure if it's connected to gambling or not. I don't think it is.

Hey equinox,

I remember the urges sometimes coming from no where after long periods of nothing. I have been on the screen ready to click Bet before retreating to sense. I haven’t had an urge in many months now though and the longer you remain GF, hopefully the less and less they will come. Sorry to hear that you are feeling sad.

Thanks Chris30z - the urge did beat a retreat and I'm glad to say I'm still proudly wearing my imaginary gf medal.

Today I'm pretty sure the urge won't pay a visit. In truth, I'm exhausted by the amount of constant headspace roulette has had off me these past few months. So I'm hoping this feeling spells an end to roulette trying to seduce me with its lies of fun, fun, fun. I want my brain back.

Thanks again Chris.

Afternoon Equinox

Well done on 3 weeks today!

Think we need to allow ourselves a bit of free headspace sometimes just to think about something else for a while. It is easy for it to become a bit all consuming.

Keep it up.

Muststop123

Hi, I completely relate to what you’ve said about your idea of Money being backward. £5 is loads in my current account but nothing on the wheel, I hope your journey is going well. I am in he same situation and found your insight really relatable 🙂

Thanks Backontrack - the journey is going well! This is day 21 and I was wasting at least £200 per day gambling - so, since quitting I've spared myself a loss of over £4000. Don't ever let those urges get the better of me again - and thank goodness I found this site. A lifesaver.

Although I've just bought something using Paypal (for £20, it seemed a lot!) and decided to transfer some money from my current account to the Paypal account. I've not done this type of transfer since the last day I gambled on 7th November. When I clicked to make the payment I saw that last registered transaction for £200 to the casino site - urgh .. I felt a kind of disgust seeing it. Please let those days never come back.

And Dear Diary: If I'm honest, I think I'm doing good with the online casinos - I feel as if I'm winning that fight. It's the land casinos that worry me and I've still got my trip coming my way where I'm going to be alone in London with time on my hands.

This is where the John Wayne voice makes a comeback with

C'mon buddy, you're only in London maybe a dozen times a year ... sure, you stay away from the online casinos, they're bad news ... but land casinos - now that's what I call a bit of fun - and you ain't gonna do much damage to the wallet on a couple of trips a year ... maybe walk out with a stack of fresh £50s in your pocket ... no pending withdrawals here .... in a way, you're still gamble free ... online casinos is where the damage is done and the addiction llves ... and you've got that cracked ... so grab yourself a cold beer, find a table and try to get some of that money back ..

It is harder for me to shut that voice down because I still see there might be certain truth in it. But I'm going to try to think of ways how to shift my attitude about this.

Dear diary - Now that I’ve slept on the problem of why I shouldn’t go to the land casinos, I think I’ve hit on some reasons: because I’ll waste good money, feel really bad, line a casino’s pockets, start to hate myself that little bit more and put myself right back to square one.

Duh, me! Looking forward to getting my brain back at some point.

Not forgetting your commitment to be 50 days GF by Christmas. You agreed. It is written on the internet so it must be true and we have evidence and lots of witnesses on here!!

Seriously though, seem like pretty convincing reasons to me.

Muststop123

Hi Muststop - yes, I certainly remember the 50 days gamble free Christmas contract. It's just John Wayne was trying to convince me that the true terms of the contract are:

- Muststop's 50 Days GF Christmas* Contract -

*does not include a quick flutter in a land casino during the Christmas season.

But the temptation today seems much less and the reasons to avoid seem pretty clearcut. I need to focus on the money I'll lose rather than the money I assume I'm going to somehow effortlessly win.

The last casino I went to I lost a few hundred in about 3 tragic spins and 2 deadend Blackjack games. After leaving the casino, trying to look all compsoed as if the money didn't matter, I repeatedly cursed to myself when out got onto the street for about 5 solid minutes (I had my headphones in, so it looked like I was on some urgent and angry call).

For a fraction of the cost I could find some lovely swish place, get a couple of glasses of mulled wine and sit back, happy and guilt free watching the snow fall and the people on the street smile their Christmas smiles. I'll pretend I'm in a Charles Dickens film rather than Oceans 11. That's my plan now.

Day 23.

Last night I did a bit of youtube watching of gambling streams - mainly losses rather than big wins. It's still shocking to watch how quickly thousands can be blown in minutes.

There seems to be a significant shift in how I think about my money - it's no longer this shifting amount that keeps increasing and decreasing from day to day, it's not something I plan on doubling, trippling, doubling again ... it's just a static amount that's safely plonked in an old fashioned building society. And I think I like it that way. Much less of a headache.

These past few weeks I've not gambled has been a much more stable time for me.

Although my sleeping has got worse somehow. These past few years I've not been the best of sleepers, but I now feel as if I'm back to square one. I've been prescribed sleeping tablets for over 2 years (just allowed a couple a week) - but I'm reluctant to increase these in case a whole new addiction announces itself in my life. A few months ago I subscribed to the Headspace app - and they've got this handy 'get back to sleep meditaiton' - you slowly count back from 10,000! But I'm finding that more disturbing rather than relaxing. Thinking about numbers, in the dead of night, now seem connected to amounts of money ... and money is connected to gambling ... and gambling thoughts are not sleep inducing for me. But I'm going to stick at it becasue I'm sure Mr Headspace knows what he's talking about.

Hmmm, the dreaded sleep problems huh 🙁 I want to say I tried everything but in truth I did my usual half hearted attempts @ everything suggested including Pukka nighttime tea-bags (the clue’s in the name) & various Lavender (should also be called something with Puke in it) products...The purchase of a Himalayan salt lamp (can spend gambling amounts on one but I get mine, & I’ve bought a few I can tell you @ the shop round the corner for £12) broke the cycle for me & I swear by them now! Don’t discount anything yet...I want to say it’s ironic but it’s not remotely but now that I’m further forward in my recovery & calmer within myself generally, sleep comes that lot bit easier! Rock on the old fashioned banks/building societies huh 🙂

Personally, I would steer well clear of any gambling vids @ the mo, no point running the risk of waking up Old John now is there!

Thanks ODAAT.

I've just looked up the Himalayan salt lamps (on Amazon, the site the sells everything) and they do look quite calming. I ended up putting on earphones and listened to some Eckhart Tolle wisdom but I ended up waking with the wires as good as wrapped around my neck, so that had the opposite effect.

As for my urges to mindlessly watch gambling vids - yes - I need to steer clear of those. There's no benefit to be had from those - although maybe it does keep Old John happy now that he's got no real money to play with. A bit like sitting great great granddaddy in front of the tv to watch westerns about the long gone good ol' days of the wild wild west.

About 8 hours after my last post, the urge hits again. It was a whopper. But I'm determined to work through it - but it's like the voice tells me I'm doomed to fail and relapse is an inevitable -

Face it buddy - there's no way you can do this for the rest of your life - you WILL fail at some point - 3 weeks, 1month, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years ... so you need to choose how you will manage that failure - put it into little managable bitesize chunks. Just one bet a month? No more than you can afford to lose? A little flutter, then walk? Return 1 month later. Now that's do-able. And realistic.

It's embarrassing writing these thoughts because I feel so d**n weak. I'll read through what I've written previously and other diaries as a reminder.

Writing this has helped me see it for what it is - me going round and round and round in circles.

Note to self again: This urge is temporary and it will pass - but if I gamble then the temporary uge becomes a rock solid fact and I'm right back to square 1. I let myself down and I let down the people who've supported me. I lose cash. I feel bad. I feel like a loser caught in an addiction, lacking any self-control. That's a worse feeling compared to a gambling urge. And I know (even if I won) I wouldn't wait 3 days for a pending withdrawal - so, please John Wayne, shut the hell up trying to convince me otherwise. We've turned into a nagging couple. It's high time to divorce.

Hi Equinox

Good to see that you have answered your own questions.

There is absolutely no inevitability that you will fail at some point in the future. You have gone 25 days GF despite some severe urges to gamble so this will become easier not harder because you have the experience of dealing with it and know what works for you. We have both already established that the urge to gamble is not some big powerful thing that we should let take control of us it is just a bad thought that our own mind creates so we have complete control over it.

Just looked up a John Wayne quote - "Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid", I am pretty sure he would consider our gambling is stupid.

Muststop123