Time to start my diary ...

Hi Lethe - the measures that both of us are putting into place are not many, to be honest. I know it goes against all good advice but there's still a part of me that's not ready to fully hand over everything and admit I'm at that stage of addiction. And maybe that's playing with fire.

The only money I have access to is the money that's saved for my business, which includes some spare spending money - so there's no way I can damage the 'house' finances. I've as good as shut down my credit line, with accounts closed or cards shredded.

Understanding how addicted/not addicted I am is something I need to understand about myself. I did call it quits quite early on in my gambling life with access to money that could have easily been blown on further gambling, but I didn't. I never used credit and, by pure good fortune, I've made back all the lost money by selling some work.

When I look back at my time gambling - it's like I made a stupid mistake, I was suckered in by something that's designed to sucker people, but I want to question whether it runs as deeply in me to make me a compulsive gambler that needs a high level of monitoring.

But, I know Lethe, you're approach is the safest and I really appreciate you prodding me in the sensible direction. Most addicts will convince themselves they're not addicted.

But I know my daily drinking habit - which was deeply embedded from the age of 18 - with me moving to a bottle of wine at the end of each day, ran much much deeper than gambling. Smoking, the same. But I feel as if I've genuinely knocked them on the head by making a singular choice without the need to remove alcohol from the house, or not by not going into shops or pubs in case of a relapse. It's hard to explain in bite size posts, but I feel as if I know how I deal with things and once I make a choice, I tend to stay faithful to that choice. This is all very fuzzy and vague, I know - and I know I shouldn't apologise for my own diary - but sorry if I sound like a dipstick with this complacent attitude, which I know goes directly against most all the good and proven advice here on the forums.

As a plus, I woke up today feeling so happy and grateful that I didn't wake up with a gamble hangover and it's this simple and honest feeling that I will continue to focus on. That's what helped with drinking - I just got tired of the morning after feeling, added to the fact that I knew it was bad for my liver, just like gambling is bad for my wallet and my state of mind.

Muststop123 wrote:

Hi Equinox

Good to hear you are continuing to resist the urges. I think having someone to talk to is a huge benefit in fighting this - I know deep down that I would probably still be gambing if I had not confessed to my wife as I would have continued the irrational thoughts and been unable to put the physical blocks in place myself.

Still worry you are putting unnecessary extra pressure on yourself by continuing to skirt around gambling throughout your recovery. The previous gambling with pretend money, watching youtube videos and still having ability to register on new websites just seems to be extra temptation that none of us need and it feels like you are almost testing yourself to prove how strong you are?

On the radio this morning they were discussing the approach people should take to terrorist attacks and I know this is a bit of stretch but maybe the Run-Hide-Tell approach to gambling urges might be more appropriate rather than the Bruce Willis poke it with a stick and fight it on your own approach. I just feel gambling is just too big and powerful to go anywhere near so better to do everything in my power to keep away from it.

Keep strong and GF.

Thanks Muststop - always grateful for the guru to pass on advice. I've self-excluded from that casino. I'm no Brucie.

I do feel as if I'm tackling this in a topsy turvy manner at times - but the pretend gambling really did help me to see that I always lost and it did trigger a similar gut reaction. I imagine it'd be like a trainee pilot flying his virtual reality plane into a cliff face - it seems very real. If I left my imagination to do the winning and losing, I'd be a rich rich man, hitting the right colours and the right numbers most of the time.

It was good to speak to 'Mrs Equinox' about it - we do have a very close relationship and her job involves dealing with all sorts of mental health issues including addictions, so I'm blessed to have such a level headed person to support me. All I've kept from her is the 'extra' gambling sessions I did after I told her enough was enough. And I'm reluctant to uneccessarily land her with the baggage of me being a problem when her work involves dealing with other peoples problems. That's why I feel as if this could be a 'controlled explosion' (I'm beginning to use Die Hard language!) - because I only lost my money, and I've now recouped that. It was a mistake but I've made plenty of silly mistakes and I don't want to unecessarily blow this one out of proportion for me. I think I bailed at the right time.

So if gambling was just a mistake - then hopefully this is no different many from many of the other mistakes I've made. Like buying a Sony P Series + accessories after drinking a little too much.

Thanks again Muststop. I'm determined to not gamble and I'm still well aware of our Christmas challenge. My vision is clearing daily, I'm happier without gambling, and I'm beginning to feel I can move away from it - even in my clumsy, Brucie W way.

Equinox wrote:

Thanks Muststop - always grateful for the guru to pass on advice.

That made me laugh, guru? It's only been 47 days, not sure they hand out awards quite that easy!

Have good day

Hi Equinox,

Well what can i say its a little worrying that you registered however i understand that each person deals with this in there own way and reading your diary clearly you have a lot of coping mechanisms that have worked for you. One thing i would say is that you must be careful as this is an addiction and you are a gambler, you will try to talk yourself around it and once you have its a slippery slope. Just keep the blocks up and talk its important to talk about it on here, with loved ones just keep doing your best.

Cheers

Mick

Hi Equinox

More harsh reality from me.... from your recent posts it looks like it's only a matter of time before you stumble again...

Signing up to a gambling website is never, ever a good idea for people like us - I think you are self justifying by saying "it's ok, I didn't gamble, I just watched the ball...." sorry but that cuts no mustard with me my friend, it sounds like that little gambling voice is chipping away at your resolve. In my last post I suggested blocking software for your computer... I make the same suggestion again and also close the recently opened account asap.

I've done the watching YouTube video thing in the past as well - want to know where that ended up? Yep, by me gambling again. I don't prescribe to the GA approach but I do agree with not testing ourselves, and watching these videos, signing up to a site.... sorry but it sounds like your doing exactly that.

The good thing however is that there is still time... YOU and only you have the strength of mind and willpower to do something about this. I really hope you at least consider what I've said, because we both know that the pain we have caused ourselves in the past by going back to gambling is acute, not only for ourselves but for our loved ones too.

I wish you well, stay safe and stay GF.

Thanks Ste_ven - I'm more than happy to receive another dose of harsh reality from you. I did do the 5 year self-exclusion from the site earlier today. I can see that I get no Blue Peter badge for registering to a new site.

I don't have the blocking software yet. I did install K9 on my laptop - but I've got a tablet and 2 phones that the software didn't work on. I also looked into something that blocks you for a subscription - but I'm not sure if it was a licence for a single device and the cheapskate part of me thought it'd be cheaper to go the willpower option.

Thanks again for your support and I'll do my damnest to resist the urge to be a roulette voyeur if it happens again. I can see it's totally unecessary.

A good thing is that it's now nearly 11pm and this is usually my roulette witching hour when the damage is done - but I'm confident I'm not gambling tonight. No way am I going to greet the morning with an early dose of guilt, shame and less cash.

Clocking in for day 15.

Taking a break from work to write my diary. This would have been the other way around a few weeks ago - I was taking a break from roulette to reluctantly do some work.

I did some sums last night before going to bed and worked out how much I've lost from my personal savings. The final figure stings - but that's just how it should be. Being stung is good. I don't make a habit of going near wasps in case I get zapped by their stingers so I should be happy to adopt the same level of weariness for the roulette table.

Since quitting, the big upside is my work has really picked up and I also sold some 'collector' stuff, so my overall balance is now okay. It's just that nagging feeling that it should have been so much better. There's something selfish about that kind of thinking.

And there's no room for regret. I once read that it's pointless regretting something - just change your behaviour. And there's always the assumption that if you'd have done things diffrently it would be better. But maybe it's better to look at my gambling as an wonderfully expensive life lesson, teaching me not to fall into the trap of being a wasteful human. If I imagine I spent the money putting on a spacesuit, then fuelling up my spaceship to see Yoda to learn this life lesson instead of getting it from spin after spin on roulette, it'd seem like a bargain and a treat.

There is something that I'm worried about ... I'm in London, then Liverpool in about 2 weeks (on my own) and that's the situation that last triggered a casino slip-up. I usually treat myself to a few drinks during these trips which doesn't help matters. I know the answer - don't drink, don't gamble. I hope it's as easy as that.

Now being 2 weeks into a gf life, I feel as if there's a stronger defence in place - but I've read enough long-term relapse diaries to know that there's no real safety in the numbers.

Dear Diary - just hit by a massive urge to gamble. That cowboy gambler voice, making his midnight appearance, telling me I can afford to chance a couple of good bets. Lies lies lies. Need to visit here and read my diary and remember I'm here because I listened to that voice too much in the past. Confident now it'll pass.

Glad I've got this place to force a pause on myself. I want to wake up guilt free.

The urges do come out of no-where & half the battle is what you decide to do when they break...I’m twitchy about how you’re doing recovery but this is a safe place to come to ride them out & that was good decision making tonight!

Have you thought about planning ahead & getting casino exclusions in place before your trip?

http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-advice/what-can-you-do/self-exclusion

or Google SENSE exclusion.

I think a spaceship ride to see Yoda sounds way more fun than gambling (goodness only knows why I loved it so much, all I remember of it now was how completely rubbish I was @ it) but this is indeed a very valuable life lesson...Don’t throw it away. Keep talking to your wife (she can obviously give you both practical & emotional support) but don’t discount outside assistance...Deciding to stop the drink without addressing any underlying stresses may have inadvertently pushed you across to gambling instead.

Keep drowning out that cowboy - ODAAT

Thanks ODDAT - I shot the cowboy last night by listening to some music and doing a bit of work. Being able to jump into this forum gives me an invaluable 'go to' place when John Wayne decides to make a visit to my head. Usually last thing at night.

I think stopping drinking is linked to the gambling. Last night, with Christmas approaching - I really felt like ending the night on a lovely glass of port. I'm a sucker for port and I'd seen they've been given a Xmas huge price drop at the local supermarket. But, a bit like gambling, I've set myself the rule that I won't drink in the house. Not that it was causing any problems - except maybe to my liver - but I knew it was getting too regular. I tried to set myself the limit of a 1 litre bottle a week to keep me within sensible drinking units - but I started shortening the weeks. Moderation is something I struggle with. I sound like a spoilt child.

But I woke up this morning, glad I didn't give into the mad cowboy and really glad I didn't wake up with a stinking gamblers' headache.

Maybe I should buy some port for Xmas. That might keep the John Wayne voice happy.

The good news is it's Day 17.

The bad news is that John Wayne cowboy gambler voice just won't shut up. On and on and on. And he's brought a whole posse of thoughts too.

I think I know where it's coming from. My income has been up and down this past year (mainly down). But because I've bagged a few good commissions from selling work and the money's now on the way, it feels like 'payday'. And with 'payday comes the cue for that reckless cowboy in my head to strut forward with his come on, just one bet, you can afford to take a hit on the finances - just one ... then walk away ...

But a reality check. It's just a voice - a thought - an ephemeral piece of mind junk - it's not like it's a big, physical ten tonne boulder falling on me. I can dismiss a thought.

And I will.

This is part and parcel of quitting. The test - and it's an easy test to compared to catching a ten tonne boulder - is just say no.

I sound like Zammo from Grange Hill. He was right all along.

I don't want to let myself down. And I don't want to let the people who've supported me down. So, it's a no brainer. Zammo beats John Wayne today.

I'm going to take a pleasant walk to the shop and buy some tasty lunch.

Good on you avoiding the voice - coming on here, posting and reading diaries when there is a temptation definitely helps... especially your own.... be mindful of the pain caused by the last stumble.

Take care and stay GF.

Thanks Ste_ven.

Yesterday, was not a good day. I don't understand myself - but I came dangerously close to gambling again. I won't go into detail or even try to justify what I did - but I registered to a site, submitted photo id, all ready and set for a big fall. I watched a blackjack match with someone taking 20K in a single hand and thought how easy it all is. Lies lies lies lies and lies. And foolish foolish me.

I didn't gamble that's the main thing. But I walk so close to the cliff edge with this one, it shocks me.

But as always, in the light of a new day, I'll try not to make a catastrophe out of it. That's what a compulsion does - it's that big influential John Wayne cowboy voice which will try to lure me back with promises of C'mon buddy you deserve it! C'mon buddy you can afford it! C'mon buddy live a little! C'mon buddy, it's been over 2 weeks and you're ain't no compulsive gambler like the rest of em! You got this one under control. C'mon buddy, just one final big shot and walk!

I'm still 18 days gf and no poorer because I can't be buddies with John Wayne.

I did read through a recovery diary this morning - which, as always, proved really helpful.

And before going to bed last night I self excluded from the gambling site. But no brownie point for that one.

Equinox wrote:

...you're ain't no compulsive gambler like the rest of em!

I echo those sentiments but don’t have to walk any further than a GA room to disprove it. I may not have had the shocking start to life many addicts have or bear the scars of suicide attempts but I am the woman with broken brown teeth & an unpleasant odour that hassles the hell out of people as they pass, I just didn’t get there yet.

Keep facing up that Cowboy Equinox - ODAAT

Hi Equinox

No damage done and well done for holding back but you are not doing my nerves any good with these incidents! Sounds like you were pretty close to doing something you would have really regretted.

Are you happy with the level of blocks you have in place or do you want to do anything to stop yourself from being able to register from online sites? Software or the soon to be released ability to self exclude from all online sites? I can hear your cowboy howling from here but it may be time to send him to Boothill.

19 day GF today - keep up the good work!