Toughest unwanted battle imaginable

Hi Wilsy,

Sorry to hear of your recent problems, but it’s great that you are a week in to recovery and back on the forum. I’m on 35 days at the moment but feel pretty good about things. The best advice I can give is for you to fully accept that gambling can have no further part in your life. I don’t know if you are at that stage yet, but for me this mindset is powerful, and by taking things one day at a time I’m turning my back on gambling. You can do the same!

Second point is to realise that gambling offers nothing positive to your life. The list of negatives is endless as you probably well know. Wins are fleeting and just end up back with the bookies - you cannot win, because you cannot stop.

I wish you well, keep posting on the forum if it helps. Also, I apologise if my advice sounds a bit cliched - thing is I’m starting to realise that those cliches are true!

Hi Paul, thanks for your message of support. I am a bit old school at this giving up lark but keep relapsing when life is a little stressful and unbearable, I use gambling as a smoke screen to what is going on in my life at the time, doesn't seem to be a switch to turn off, just turn to it every time and destruct. Yes there is no place for gambling in my life anymore, I just had to hit rock bottom again before I did anything about it. Seeked counselling for it, been to doctors, back on meds, self excluding again only thing I cannot do is hand over wages as I have a £1500 overdraft to clear every month!

Have been gambling since I was 17 now I am 42 in three weeks so back on this forum to help me rack up the days.

Will catch up and read your diary later Paul and offer you some support back fella.

Well done on 35 days btw

Wilsy

Hello Wilsy

Im 3 sessions into phone counselling with Breakeven, its nice to talk things out.

As for handing over your finances its doesn't have to involve not having your wages paid into your account. I simply handed over my credit + debit card and set a bugdet with the person holding them for food etc that i withdrawl on payday and live off that while my debt's and usual direct debits come out as normal. Only difference is my money is protected and i don't have to look at hundreds of online gambling transactions on my bank statements! I actually got a letter from my bank the other day and wasn't scared to open it, i've ignored bank letters for 8 years!

Keep us updated, put your blocks in place and take it a day at a time, all the best

Hi Wilsy,

Sounds like you’re making good progress already with arranging the counselling and seeing your doctor.

Gambling ends in destruction because people like you and I, and many forum members here, can’t control it once we start. I don’t think I’ll ever reach a stage where I am ‘cured’ and will be able to gamble responsibly. I’ve tried many times and the outcome is always the same. Right now I don’t want to return to the bad old days, so it’s all about accepting the situation and avoiding that first bet.

DAY 8

Hi Paul, SJW, thanks for your comments and feedback. I know what I need to do, I have been in this situation many a time, just reject ideas of any gambling of any type. No point in trying to budget there is no money to budget, the debt is so high. Just need to work then go home and get through each day and come pay day, clear overdraft, pay bills and some debts and hand over to parents anything that might be left over for Christmas. There is no formula to beating this illness otherwise a number of us wouldn't be back here, we just have to try our hardest each day to resist the tempting urges and not bloody do it.

Just for today I will not gamble because I am a compulsive gambler.

Hi Wilsy,

Welcome back to the forum, and thanks for taking a brave step to share your story with us.

I’m glad to learn that you’ve abstained for 7 days, and that you’d soon be seeing one of our partner agencies for your 12 sessions of free counselling. That seems like a step in the right direction, and I’ll encourage you to go for it.

Also feel free to contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and speak to one of our advisers for further help and support in case you need to.

Our lines are open every day from 8.00am to midnight. Also try and post as often as you can.

There’s light at the end of the tunnel, so keep up the good work!

Best wishes,

Beatrice

Hi Wilsy

As a cg myself I have also caused what you call self destruction. I spent my last 4 years squandering my life savings gambling online. I am now on the road to recovery after hitting rock bottom only 6 days ago. It really is crucial to remember each day the pain of losing when gambling, for the 1% highs there will be 99% lows! I just hope I do not slip back into my old ways and instead of dwindling on my past I want to pave a brighter future, that future starts each and everyday.

Best wishes to you and keep going in the right direction!

Hi Nk001

thanks for taking the time to comment on my diary, it sounds as if you and I have been pretty destructive with gambling over the years, are both roughly on the same number of non gambling days, and both of us want to be rid of it. I am forever haunted by my actions and losses, I only know that because I have upset and involved my family in the agony and disappointment, everytime I have relapsed. I am very low and fed up right now and it is only 8 days in but hopefully come the Spring and Summer, you and I will be in a much better head space.

Wilsy

DAY 9

Tired, lathargic, uninterested in working today, skint but it could be worse I could be gambling. No interest in gambling whatsoever, my low mood and current predicament is partly to do with gambling so it isn't my friend or go to anymore, I will cope without that distruction in my life.

Just for another day I will not give gambling another penny!

Wilsy.

DAY 12

Had a quiet weekend, watched the whole of series 2 of Stranger Things on Netflix, it's worth a look if any of you want something to take your mind off gambling.

For me I haven't been thinking about gambling at all, I've felt rather depressed reflecting on the financial situation I find myself in and the long road ahead in clearing off my debts. Life is hard for everyone I realise that but when you live with depression like I do, when you find it hard to get out of bed, shave, shower and eat then it is all the harder. Back at work this morning another week ahead and I am tired even though I had about ten hours sleep.

Just for today I will not gamble because a) I am skint and b) I don't want to gamble

Wilsy

DAY 13

How am I feeling today, well had a phonecall from Break Even last night, got assessed and will start phone counselling very soon as I haven't the money for fuel to travel to meet them in person. This is the situation I am in at the moment, the fuel light is on, I barely have any food and I don't want to keep borrowing off parents as they suffer and the debt just builds. Have the Doctors again on Friday to increase my medication, how I will get to the surgery I don't know, I'll have to ask work if I can have a sub until the end of the month which is always embarrassing.

Feel lonely and issolated, know that I can't plan for the future or consider getting involved with anyone until I am in a better financial position.

Mum's birthday on the 20th, I can't even afford a card let alone a present.

Work has been bareable so far this week although concentration levels are low.

No gambling thoughts whatsoever, I have no intention of spending another penny as it won't do me any favours.

Just for today I will not gamble and tomorrow is another day, I'll tackle it when it comes.

Wilsy
Fella this is the fallout of our actions and my advice stand up and take it on the chin.
How far is your gp?? Cycle or walk
Eat beans on toast go to the supermarket just before it closes you will be amazed at what they sell for pennies.
How about you write your mother a letter for her birthday, I know what words mean to parents from both sides of the fence fella.

There is a better way and short term hardship will be something that you have to get through, surely it is the same for every single person who gambles compulsively because we all live by the same mantra.
I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.

Ask yourself this question
If I had the funds to gamble today would I??
For me the answer for myself was often yes because I was still held by addiction.

Recovering is no easy choice nor can it be one without total commitment and honesty.

Get busy living my friend.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back

Hi Dunc,

you are spot on my lad I'm just using my diary to air what I am thinking this morning. The Doctors is 12 miles away mate, I'll get fuel sorted as it is important I attend. I am already eating on the breadline mate, I'm a hardened pro at survival. I will probably make her a card haha :-).

If I had the funds no I wouldn't gamble as I am done with it.

Thanks Duncan, like many others we use our diaries to air our thoughts and what I wrote this morning was how I was feeling. The early stages of our journies are never easy, been here many times before, main thing is I am trying to make a difference and to change my life for the better.

Abstain and maintain is exactly what I intend to do buddy.

Wilsy stepping forward and never back 🙂

Hi Wilsy

Thanks for your post on my diary mate. Have just read your diary. Your experience looks very similar to mine. Stopped many a time and then gone back to find in an even deeper hole. Like you have been on meds as well and I know how it is to suffer from depression. It is a good idea therefore to not miss the GP. Just do it. You need all the strength in whatever form at this stage to cope and meds are a vital source of it as they provide the necessary chemicals our brain needs to withstand the depressive condition. Moreso it is important for us in the situation we are in after our gambling.

Hang in there mate, I am trying the same here. Slowly bit by bit we will reclaim our lives back and things will get brighter with time.

You have tons of support here and you are already a shining example of a good person by providing your support to others.

Cheers