Toughest unwanted battle imaginable

Thank you Burko for your heart touching post of support. I am still reading diaries and am okay, just taking some time to myself to find the peace in my heart, this makes me quite isolated but things are less complicated emotionally if I just focus on myself. The weather is wonderful and I have lovely people around me. I am remaining gamble free just not thinking about it at all, just working, rest and quiet.

This is day 1 again I've been pretty fed up and destructive again and it stops again right now. Can't explain reasons apart from not really caring about life until the money has gone then all of a sudden we come to our senses again. Not too much damage done and will limp through to payday. Nice and quietly does it start building the days again I can do this.

Day 2 questionning everything right now, limping way through to Payday. Damages are very little it was just short change but none the less it has made me uncertain. I am not confident I can beat this forever, I'll have periods of abstaining then I'll relapse again. Feeling pretty lonely in life right now, I don't want a relationship with anyone, I just want to be left alone. Will let the head clear and will take some time off from work soon.

Day 3, feeling Meh so not much I want to say, just need a long vacation

I know how you feel, beating gambling can sometimes feel impossible, and if you get in the crazy zone you just dont care about money, bills, responsibilities, nothing just looking for gambling rushes a number or 3 scatters an ace or just jump the last fence. Its all doo doo, I want a holiday too but cant this year because of what gambling done and the resentment you feel because of it, which intern makes you want to attack it, as it has affected the decisions you can make. For a CG the only way is to cut it out and know how it works. You can do it and youve always been helpful to others on thier journey. Chin up, focus and plan and stay one step ahead.

DAY 4, thanks Smashed you hit the nail on the head, I am currently not caring about anything, anyone or myself. Depression has taken a hold again before and after my relapse, I'm not eating, not shaving and struggling to lift a leg again, the only thing that has seemed to have lifted me is a flutter because like in the past I can escape but if I can ride this out for the thousand and first time, then things will improve. Just feel dead inside it's all too much. Thank you, I'm trying to crawl my way back to the land of the living.

Hiya Wilsey my friend so sorry not been there to support you 🙁 your having a rough ride of it:( depression can be cyclical and it sounds like you get it that way, have you been to doctors at all maybe just something short term to lift you up again? Or like you say a long vacation would help! We bloody can’t though can we not for likes of us where we can afford to take off as and when we feel like it 🙁 hows pigs? Hope they are happy and well x if you need to offload I’m here Wilsey, take time for YOU! That’s an order lol x bestest wishes x Lulu x

thanks Lulu, the pigs are fine don't know where would be without them x

Hi Wilsy, hope that you are ok mate and enjoying this good weather? : )

thanks Jamdownunder for checking on me, I'm okay still visiting the site but not as active due to privacy reasons, dealing with things well and keeping my head down. Hope you are okay also.

Hello Wilsy, I remember you often support me at my thread. Relapses happen. It’s okay. I think it is a good idea to take some time off from work. I am currently not working right now for a disability reason. It sucks to be a disabled but it takes the stress away while not working. You and I are the same. We both struggle with a major depression. It hits me everyday without fail. I definitely think taking time off from work will help you with depression.

Thanks Merlins. I'm in a bad place right now with my depression and anxiety, I am having to work to pay the bills but am finding it all very hard. Seeking help from health in mind and have very high blood pressure so have to have a heart monitor for 24 hours to check that and have some bloods taken. All has been so difficult which is why I haven't posted in a while.

Keep up the good fight everyone, take care, Wilsy

Even though I am not gambling lately, I find it hard to be happy. Also, I am disabled now. I have been stuck in my room for a while because of my disability. I can’t go to work nor do my regular activities. My point is you are not alone. I struggle with depression every single day as well. Every minute I am awake is a struggle.