I think it's important that I do this. I feel that I have nowhere else to go or to vent so it might help to put my story down on paper. It will also give me somewhere to come back too. A focal point which will hopefully help me stop.
I am heavily addicted to gambling and have been all my adult life. I remember back to when I first gambled, playing Fruit Machines at the local fish and chip shop. I always seemed more obbsessed than my friends so I guess it was always in me. I moved onto the bookies and found FOBT's. They are a poison that has ruined almost everything I have tried to do, causing terrible epsiodes of depression. For the last year I have self excluded from every bookmaker within a 40 mile radius of where I live. However I will still on occasion make 100 mile round trips to play these machines. It may seem bizzare but thats the pull of them. It seems however that when I put a block on 1 form of gambling, my addiction moves onto something else. Over the last 2 days I put £1000 through machines in an arcade.
Online gambling has also caused me hell. I troll through the Gambling Commision search function trying to find sites I am not self excluded from. I loose money, then exclude myself from the new site, only for the cycle to start again the next week.
All this is very lonely for me, nobody knows I am like this. Everyone thinks I am a recovered addict but that couldnt be further from the truth. I have never really stopped, or if I have it's only been a short while. This means I can't talk to anyone. I can't tell my family or partner that I desperately need help. I know if I don't stop what I am doing I will loose everything. I can't dissapoint people again. I am hoping I can find what I need on the forum.
I have been to gamblers annonamus and really didnt like it. I may have changed by now, but when I went it was like a little social club. I also new alot of the members were lying, as was I, because we would often see eachother in the different bookies, probably heading to shops on the other side of the city to avoid anyone you new.
I've considered killing myself many times in the past. I have a beautiful partner who is so kind a forgiving and what I do would hurt her. The amount of debt I am in would also hurt her.
I apologise for the length of this, I am hoping if everyday I have a place to come back to where I can be honest then I can stop.
Thank you.
Hi.
Welcome to the forum, you will have a wealth of support and some great advice offered here, my advice pin your ears back and take as much in as you can.
Your opening post could have been one ripped out of the story of my own gambling life and truthfully if the circumstances had been different the last time I gambled I wouldn't be writing this post because without doubt I set off to end my life afterwards.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, today I understand that and know what I would have left behind had I taken my own life, a great deal of unanswered questions and an emotional train wreck.
My question is this
What are you going to do different this time around??
Because without doubt in my mind nothing changes if nothing changes.
Are you going to keep this from your family, how are you going to facilitate your debt without being discovered??
I see admittance to the fact that our lives have become unmanageable as the first step, it's like the ultimate block, one of the best things I have done is relinquish control of my finances, by doing so life becomes transparent and without doubt addictions grip loosens as a result.
I get the fact GA doesn't work for everyone, for me I wasn't ready to hear the truth.
This is about you and finding a way that works for you.
For me I hold no shame in telling everyone that I am a compulsive gambler because it's amazing how many folk relate to my addiction and will help.
Talk to your gp about your suicidal thoughts.
Tell your debtors why your in debt.
Relinquish your control of your finances
As a result you will actually gift yourself a 100% payrise
We all live by a mantra whilst active
I CANNOT WIN BECAUSE I CANNOT STOP.
you can turn that on it's head.
I lied to myself for twenty five years, today I won't lie to anybody, as I result I actually have control of my life.
I fully accept that addiction won, it beat me up good and proper.
There's no shame in that
Surely the only shame would come if I fed addiction again.
I hope this really is 'your turn'
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.
I have full acceptance that my addiction has won and I do understand that it would be easier to come clean and let people know where I am. However I know who much worry that would cause my partner and who much hurt it would cause my parents.
When you are trying to fight it on your own I know how easy it is to just go back to your old ways. What's different this time is my use of the forum. I will come back everyday and use it to be honest and open. Hopefully this is the time that things change.
Thank you
Day 1 in and no gambling. I doesn't really feel as if anything has been achieved as it's been done before and I'm still hurting from yesterday's loss.
It's a few days time when I'll get the urge to gamble. It's like someone turns on a switch, the thought of gambling then enters your brain. Your stomach gets butterflies and it's like an itch that won't go away until you have released it by gambling. Those are the days that worry me.
Day 2. Bit of a strange one as was infomred early this morning that my work would be closed. Urge to gamble really kicked in later in the afternoon and tbh, I was thking of ways to dissapear for an hour to the arcade. Also did my usual search for somewhere online but came up blank. So no gambling but hardly a promising day.
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