Who am I?

Day 13.

Have had lots of naps this evening to avoid the urges. Am happy to say I have got through another day gamble free.

I felt like I hadn't spent much time with my partner tonight with me 'napping' alot. He made us both a lovely tea earlier on. At about half past ten I asked him if he fancied going for a little walk and to just sit, as I feel like we hadn't had anytime together. So that is what we did, we didn't walk far and we just sat and looked up at the sky and out at the sea. I drew 13 little hearts in the sand and then I rubbed them away to make room for another day.

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Thanks Julie, Volcano and Sully the support, advice and kind words from yourselves and others is really special.

Julie, I think you are right that our tears symbolise part of our healing processes.

Oh gosh, horrible, excruitiating and embarassing at times certainly sums it up well. I have also broken into a £2 jar before. Another time I found an item on offer in a supermarket after looking round for hours and it was a bargain so I picked up a few thinking 'Great, someone is looking down on me', I got to the till and it came up at full price!! I was like no it was meant to be 20p and they got the ticket admitted that was for the product I wanted to purchase and wouldn't let me buy it, saying someone has scanned the price wrong. I knew my consumer rights, but I just couldn't be bothered to argue. It's actually making me smile writing this down, getting upset over 20p instead of paying £1 or £2 for something, when I'd mindlessly click away ridiculous amounts.. Funny how warped our sense of reality becomes and our sense or money becomes so distorted.

Thanks Julie, I will keep asking myself questions and I am slowly starting to look after myself again. You look after yourself too!! Thinking of you.

Volcano- Thank you for your insight and kind words 🙂

Goodnight all..

strong relationship.

Thank you Julie. You too have a lovely day today, it's lovely and sunny outside 🙂

Day 14.

Have felt so weak at times today, but I'm thankful to say I have now reached 14 days gamble free.

Congratulations ' Who Am I ' you are a Star . A 14 day old Star brightening up the world . Living near a beach you can gaze out at the sea or look up at the heavens and let the wonder of the oceans the world and the universe comfort you . I wonder if the hearts you drew in the sand are still their ! Who knows they might have brightened up the day of another beach visitor . Sometimes the world seems cruel and doesn't make much sense but our presence on Earth is a once only event so we may as well make the best of it .

Wishing you happy days and contentment stephen x

Sorry I forgot you rubbed the hearts away x

Thank you Stephen. You made my night tonight when I read your post on your diary, it cheered me up more than you will ever know.

The words you write on your diary are so honest and those you write to others are so beautiful, giving so much comfort.

You are my North Star tonight, shining brighter than all the rest 🙂

Thankyou ' Who am I ' for your kind words of encouragement . Day 15 of this new chapter in your life ,wishing you well today and every day . X

This morning I woke up and I just had the same thought going round and round in my head:

What is it inside me that is stopping me from doing the things I want to do?

I do not know what the answer is? I do know it is something I want to work on.

Day 15.

Another day gamble free. I am still finding this very difficult and my emotions have been totally up and down. The urges just to have a little gamble have been awful at times, luckily I had another nap, I've had a cry, I've watched a movie and eaten a decent tea and now I'm ready for bed and I simply feel relieved that this day is nearly over.

Stay strong everyone.

Keep going who am I !!! You can do this the withdrawal will ease ... keep utilising this site , maybe play a game if you are feeling itchy fingered ...you've got this !

Morning ' Who am i ' . It's a lovely day here . Hope the sun is shining on you today . Take care . Wishing you well in your new life as a non gambler . It takes a lot of courage making big changes . You have been brave and resolute . Well done you superstar your on day 16 . Stephen x

Hi..

I've just read through your diary and it has calmed me down. I've just fallen off the wagon again and your diary has a healing tone to it. Two of your statements really resonate with me:

I know at some point I need to address the reasons why I gamble and I think that is what scares me the most.

What is it inside me that is stopping me from doing the things I want to do?

They will be my food for thought this evening. Thanks for your words and philosophies. It's time to work out who I am!

Thank you Naomi, Abstainer, Maybenow and Westsider. Thank you all for your kind words and support, they mean alot. And Westsider I'm glad my diary has helped you in some way.

It is such a nice feeling sharing our thoughts and feelings with others and being supported by one another.

Day 17.

Nearly over and I am so ready for some much needed sleep. I have been up early and have been busy all day and even managed a quick walk on the beach this evening.

It has been a beautiful day and what better way to end it than to have remained gamble free.

WHO AM I - ON THE BEACH

HOPE IS THERE WITHIN HER REACH

SONGS OF BIRDS - CRASHING WAVES

CALMING PRESENCE THAT SHE SO CRAVES

HOT WHITE SAND BETWEEN THE TOES

GROUNDS THE BODY - HEAL THE WOES

NOW'S THE TIME TO STOP THE STRIFE

TO FOCUS ON A HAPPY LIFE

ON THE SHORE - ENJOY A RAMBLE

SURELY WISER THAN A GAMBLE

Thank you for my beautiful poem Stephen. It means so much, it's truly beautiful.

Day19.

I am really struggling today, I am trying to keep busy, but finding this hard, there seems to be only one thing on my mind.

I have had a massive binge eating a four pack of chocolate bars and countless bags of crisps amongst other things..

I know I can lead the future I want if I do not gamble. The future is now. My actions today affect my tomorrows. Not just finacially but emotionally to. I need to stay strong. I will stay strong.

'To focus on a happy life, surely wiser than a gamble!'

Hi WAI, very slow to welcome you to the site so welcome 🙂

Just wanted to say, your feelings & your time frame really resonate with me. I think I slept for 3 days solid when I first started my recovery & had a shocker @ day 18. I didn't eat my way through it, I spent, I have no idea how long riding up & down an escalator between sadness & safety. Getting through the urges that day were a defining moment as I felt a little buzz in myself that I never believed I would feel again having left gambling in my past. I can only assume now it was some sort of pride?

You're recovering from a, sometimes debilitating, illness, cut yourself some slack & know @ the end of every day you have achieved something no matter how insignificant it would feel to the "just stop" brigade...We know how hard 1 minute can be sometimes but those minutes are the foundations to our future! As long as we're not choosing anything harmful to replace our addiction, using something to ride the urges is not to be scoffed @...I'm told they are transient addictions. I used GC, Candy Crush & colouring...Taking up a hobby would probably have been more productive but that's something I can only dream to be.

It will feel tough & scary but I'll take the highs & lows of my recovery over my gambling days & have a new found acceptance of my storms. If you haven't already, take a look @ Dan's post #913 on my life with addiction by day@atime.

There is sunshine after the rain. You just have to find the strength accept help that is available & keep fighting - ODAAT