Worry and Regret

Hey,

You're doing very well! Keep the clear head, peaceful heart and soul intact.We all will get through this difficult time.For now we need to aknowledge every little mercy out there...eg. no gambling incidents...That is really positive.Stay safe, committed and be kind to you

S.......xx

Thanks for the message SB.

Weve got a decision to make today. We are supposed to be flying away on holiday last week in June with Jet2. If we cancel we lose our deposit. If we don't cancel and they cancel closer to the time we’ll probably receive a credit note. Its a tough one. The end of June is 10 weeks away and a lot can happen by then.

I’m so relieved that I’m not gambling through this crisis. My heart goes out to the people still on that rollercoaster. If I were still playing roulette and the method was online I would imagine I would be playing on and off several times throughout the day. You can only lose playing that much. I would imagine that folk are putting themselves in serious financial trouble. Its a terrible shame.

Likewise, there is a fabulous opportunity for problem gamblers to abstain and enter recovery during this time. The lockdown provides solid time away from gambling with blocking software in place. I hope people take advantage of this.

I’ve really not much to say this morning. I find myself in the same daily routine. In all honesty, yesterday was probably my worst day in terms of just feeling bored and fed up. Today will be different.

RR

Hello there RR.. 

Not many words today just ❤️ to you n yours

???Boo 

Posted by: RouletteRegret

I didn’t post yesterday so I thought I should just put down some quick words. I’ve been gambling free for the past 16 days which is good and I need to stay on this path however, I still have days where I feel unmotivated. I’m waiting for something to happen whereas I know that this is not how it happens. I need to make it happen.

Of course this is frustrating. I don’t feel like I have any get up and go. So there it is this is how I feel. I know that if I just go for a 5 mile run this morning I will feel good which will have a massive impact on the type of day I will have today. Yet I cannot be bothered or feel like I don’t possess the energy or drive to get myself to do this which will have a negative impact on my day.

In conclusion, I need to change how I feel. Nobody can do it for me.

RR

I feel exactly the same way and probably will next week and the week after and one after that even if I remain gamble free. I just hold out the hope that in maybe 3 months time 6 months time a year I will see the world a lot different ,  appreciate the things I know when I gamble I don’t. The instant gratification 

Today, I enter the 200th day of not gambling. I dont get too caught up in day counts but they act as good motivation up until the first year anniversary. I can only imagine how bad my life would be today if I had not started my diary and chosen to stop 200 days ago. My life is not great but it is normal with good days and bad days. The bad days only last for that day which is fine. No longer does a bad loss ruin an entire month. This, I suspect, is normal.

Ive had a super 5 mile run this morning and I’m averaging between 5 - 8 miles each day. I’m getting fitter no doubt but its importance come from how good it makes me feel. At 11am I couldn't be bothered running but I force myself out that door knowing that I’ll feel great afterwards and I always do.

Going to have a nice day today with a lovely big Easter dinner late afternoon.

The sun is shining and today should be good. 

RR

Well done you 

????? Boo

Not posted in a few days. Nothing much to report. Still running every day and following my new routine.

Looking forward to returning to normality but until then I just get on with it.

RR

RR

nothing to report is pure gold fella, I love the fact that you have accepted that life on life’s terms is a mixed bag, yes there will be bad days but they will indeed last just a day, as a pose to the effects of living with active addiction when a bad day rolls into the next, like Groundhog Day.

Addiction is progressive is it not 

for me today recovery or rediscovery is equally progressive 

enjoy the simple things 

because you are worth it 

just for today 

Duncs 

As an experienced runner I mugged myself this morning. On the way out I ran in beautiful sunshine and all was good. Then, I hit the half way point and turned into a wind tunnel for the whole way back. It was tough but I can accept tough situations now slightly better than before. Head down, mind right and work through it. Running provides practice for life’s difficulties. With a clear and determined mind and the willingness to work we can overcome most things in life and when we do we feel good about ourselves as if something has been achieved. Very much like choosing a life without gambling. Sometimes it can be tough but always rewarding.

Im sitting with ice packs on both calves while I type. I’ve overdone it over the past month but my running has become so, so important to my day and routine. It sets me up for the day. And, if the day is a bad one at least I got a good run out of it.

Im going to finish painting my fence today. No excuses its getting blasted today. Tonight, I’ll feel better for completing this chore and not putting it off for another day.

RR 

So, fence painted, garden weeded, grass cut and the garden has never looked better.

I went to work this morning. I was on my own but I’m glad I went. Everything is up in the air at the moment with cancelled contracts, reduced contracts and some contracts moving between build sites. In addition to this contracts are being pushed out several weeks and months and material orders need amended but difficult with supply chain on furlough. Difficult to organise but all I can do is try.

Me and the kids are going to camp out in the garden in a few days. They are all very excited about this new adventure.

A lot of new people coming to the forum. I sympathise with each and every one of them. If still gambling I would be in a terrible mess during the lockdown. Id be online playing roulette non stop and I know how bad it would get. Id be completely gubbed. Perhaps the lockdown will be the making of these new members and this will be the start point to changing their lives forever.

If you could only propel addicts into a future without the substance of their choice and let them see how better it gets and how quickly but sadly this is not possible. For me the beginning is the hardest and perhaps you need to overcome these first few weeks and months to experience gratitude. This was key for me. 

RR

I am 212 days gamble free today. That time has flown by. I am very grateful for that time without gambling.

I read “Back from the Brink” which is a 20 page recovery diary from Michael35. I was fascinated by his story and determination. He had lots of setbacks but never, ever gave up. He is 405 days off a bet today. Anybody new to the site should read his story today. It’s an inspiring read.

I ran 7 miles yesterday but I had went out to do 10 and changed my mind mid run. Too hot. Today, I went a 5k run with my young son. Great run. He is such a chatterbox on the run asking about Brexit, covid-19, Trump etc. He is 11 and smarter than me. He must get it from his mum.

We are going to have a barbecue today and I’ll have a couple of pints of lager out in the back garden. I’m lucky that I can do this. The best part of this for me now is that I can actually enjoy these things. I can be in the moment and not sitting pretending to be having a good time while I secretly fret over lost money and debt. Today will be a good day.

RR

Thanks Reminder for your kind comments.

A while back, before I stopped gambling, I decided to play some roulette during a work break. I didnt really do this but I had lost the night before and couldnt wait until after work. The need to win money back was dominating my thoughts and I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. So, I decided to play just to win a few hundred and then I would stop. I got a few hundred up in less than ten minutes and pressed on. Twenty minutes later I was a few hundred down. I carried on with work but couldnt let it go so I jumped in my car said I needed to visit a customer and drove 20 minutes to a casino. This was just after lunchtime on a Tuesday afternoon.

I got to the casino and it was dead. Nobody was there but me. I just needed to win back the few hundred hundred I had lost an hour before. Although I was in the casino I played a machine to begin with. I won some money, cashed out and went straight to the tables. I started to lose badly. Every spin was a loss over and over again. I walked out having just lost a grand. I got back in my car distraught and drove back to work as if nothing had happened.

Just another crazy day in my crazy world of compulsive gambling.

RR

Hello RR...

Glad to be reading your commitment to a gf life. Well done. Your motivation at the minute makes me envious. Its so easy just lately just to let boredom slip In even with daily Chores and routines but coming here helps..gives me a kick-start 

Like you I remain gf and happier. Yes your last entry reminds me of similar days. Truly believing we could win. We really were blinkered. 

Stay safe 

Boo ???

Hi.. I have just been catching up with your diary and to be honest i have very little to say other than "well done".... keep running, weeding, gardening and enjoying time with your family. 

Regards, S.A 

Continue to have issues with my hamstring so couldnt run yesterday but managed a slow 4 miles today running with my son. I enjoyed it a great deal and feel better for doing so. Ice packs on both hamstrings and taking care today to allow me back out tomorrow.

Due to go back to work on the 11th May but that might be put out until the following week.

Like most I look forward to returning to normal living but going back to work probably isnt the trigger for this. Normality may be months away.

I really miss the football and I long for the day I can go with my boys to the next game. My wife laughs at me when I say this but I don’t care. I’m football daft and it’s important to me.

One thing I’ve taken from the lockdown is the importance of exercise and that it can be done everyday. It’s really like medicine for me. When done I feel good and when not done I don't feel as good or as positive.

Lots of new members coming to the forum. I feel for them but I respect them a great deal. We are in difficult times and the easiest thing to do in these times is to shy away and makes excuses for the things that we do or don’t do but not these guys. They’ve recognised an opportunity to finally stop destructive behaviour and seek out a better life. I wish each and everyone of them a successful journey.

RR