Worry and Regret

Morning RR.. Stay safe. 

Boo ???

First week back at work. It went by fine but wearing masks all day is challenging for the workforce especially the ones manufacturing, using tools etc. I am fortunate having my own office but I am always on the move and moving through different work areas and communicating with people is difficult. Wearing masks is crucial in keeping people safe so it has to be done its just something to get used to.

I didnt run for three midweek days in a row which I’ve not done in about a year so returning to work had that effect but I’ll sort that next week. I ran a good, fast 7 miles today and I feel better for it.

Im two weeks away from 500 days gamble free which makes me happy. Im in such a better place due to this long abstinence. Financially, I am so much better off and I am grateful for this. It makes a tremendous difference in terms of not lying awake at night worrying in that state where no matter what you simply cannot switch off. I am sleeping longer and better than I have in well over a decade.

RR

RR

fella I am deeply humbled by the kind words you wrote on my thread, today I believe that I understand the value of the effort it takes to commit to change 

As a result I no longer fear not having addiction to run to, something I took a great deal of time to find acceptance in.

 I have a huge respect for that and what it gifts.

keep looking after you and yours my friend 

just for today 

Duncs 

Hello and yes.. A steady day of emotions today.. Take care. Thsnks 

Boo ?

Hi RR.

Thanks for your thoughts.

You seem to be managing mighty fine.

I need to take some leaves out of your book and go running a lot more!

Regards.. S.A 

I’m still kind of waiting for myself to kick into action this year. I’m blaming the cold winter but I need that burst of enthusiasm and motivation to kick in. It will happen but I want it now.

So far, this year, since returning to work its been about getting to the end of the working week. Just get through it and get to Friday type of thing. Of course, nothing happens come the weekend because I can’t go anywhere or do anything. I have my run and it makes a difference- it really makes a difference out running in the light of day but after that it’s days indoors. 

Of course, all of this will pass. Because of Covid, work is quiet which I don’t like but it will pick up in months ahead. Restrictions will ease and things will improve. So, it comes down to resilience. My nearly 500 days of gambling abstinence has taught me about resilience. I have it.

I need to start today to focus again on the person I want to be. I need to stop eating so much rubbish when dealing with issues that make me slightly unhappy. Starting today I need to focus on again going on a journey of being healthy in body and mind. To me, it makes a tremendous difference. Make the right choices not the easy choices, be consistent not stop/start. Do the right thing not the lazy thing. I am responsible for me. 

Today, I’m going for a good run in freezing and wet conditions and after that I’ll feel magnificent. I’ll have a roasting hot bath, eat a healthy lunch and play with the kids later after school work is finished. Perhaps later today I’ll start reading a new book which is something I enjoy but don’t do enough of.

I’m not far away from paying off my gambling debt now. In truth, I want to slow down with it. I don’t want it gone. How bizarre eh? I couldn’t sleep properly for months worrying about it and now I like to look at the debt and remind myself of where it was then and where it is now. The transactions show a timeline. Before, crazy transactions and the act of a desperate and deluded man and now a singular monthly payment and the balance steadily following to almost nothing. Soon it will be gone. It used to be the focus of every thought but not now.

RR

Hi RR... I hear what you say.

I relate to your thoughts about debt and worry. When am not gambling they do over time drift to the back of my thoughts, partly because I have agreements and am not getting contacted all the time. When am "at it" they some how become the "be all and end all"... and I must pay them off as quickly as possible, which in my case would be nigh on impossible. 

I think for the first time ever I have agreements with all my creditors, not just some of them and like you say, they go down slowly over time. Congratulations on approaching gambling debt free status.

Regards, S A

The Gamcare debt advice is brilliant. 

I was in about £8,000 worth of debt a few years ago (not gambling-related, thankfully) and paid it off using balance transfer credit cards. It's as close to a free way of paying down debt as you're ever going to get. 

A disclaimer of course: I'm not a financial expert so please do your own research and seek advice from professional debt experts, but it worked for me amazingly well.

I rarely post midweek. My routine is to post at the weekend and often after I’ve been for a run. I always feel good and upbeat and positive after a run so generally my posts will come across as positive and upbeat. This isn’t false and my thoughts are genuine at the time.

Tonight, I thought I would put some words down in my current state of mind. In truth, I have struggled all week. I posted a bit last week about lacking motivation and losing my mojo a little. This week at work has been hard. Its no different to the previous many months but it is just affecting me differently. Work is quiet, unchallenging, half the staff are furloughed, some are gone through redundancy. I thrive on the busy, hectic, fast paced chaos and its not been like that since early last year. The environment at work just feels off. It saps my energy. It affects my mood and zest for life at the moment. I long for life to return to normal.

It was minus 8 today. The six inches of snow still lies and causes chaos. My car is not designed to drive in snow. I got stuck for 20 mins today - wheels spinning.

I like routine and structure and things are off at the minute. This has been a particularly bad week all round. No exercise, horrendous eating, bad sleep and absolutely no motivation. Tomorrow, I’ll try to turn it all around and do the opposite of everything I’ve done this week and for the last three weeks at least.

All of the above is a bit negative. What I’ll do now is focus on the positives. There are many. I’m not losing hundreds of pounds daily. I’m not worrying about money. I am in work. I sleep in a warm bed next to a lovely wife with kids all tucked up in their warm beds. I could go on and on and on about the things i should appreciate and be grateful for. I am grateful for them but I also take them for granted. 

So, I’m a bit down but have lots to be grateful for. I just need to get back on it. Need to find that motivation again and get myself going. I need to give myself a big kick up the backside in truth. I’ll try again tomorrow. Definitely, I’ll go for a run which is the trigger point. Everything seems better after a run.

I’m rambling a bit now but basically lockdown, work and winter has beaten me up a bit. 

RR

Hi RR... I relate to many of your thoughts. I too often write after a run, cos am feeling so upbeat. Its like I could write pages and pages. It feels great when am in that headspace.

But also as you say... lock down, the winter, the cold and frustrations with work are starting to take their toll... though my work issues are a bit different. I find that working at the heavy end of social care am not only having to mange the psychological state of those that I support but sometimes also of my colleagues as well as my own stress and anxieties and it ain't easy. I joke that i'd like to be a polar bear and emerge from my den in the spring. Am back to work tomorrow and am dreading it.

But then I am grateful that I have a job. Am grateful that I have a roof over my head. I am grateful that I have food in the cupboards. I am grateful to be alive.

We soldier on. keep running as I do the same and I did force myself to run yesterday... and it was great!! 🙂

Have a good weekend RR.. Kerp on running ? Boo 

Life seems so much better today.

I slept really well last night and didn’t wake up until it was light outside which for me is great. I went for a 7 mile run, ran fast and instantly felt great when I returned home. I’ve never been one for drugs, not my thing, but the feeling I had today after my run and considering I’ve had a rubbish week felt like total euphoria. Everything felt better.

Ive had a nice hot bath, ive eaten a nice healthy lunch and now I’m sitting down with a coffee and Im going to read.

RR

Sounding good. I just need to get my sleep pattern back a bit but given the last few weeks it's going take a bit more time 

Take care boo ?

Hello RR...  Hope you're feeling. OK. 

Stay safe. Boo ?

I’m feeling nice and relaxed as I type this. Sitting on bed with a coffee and about to read my book.

I had a long run this morning up some very big hills with beautiful scenery overlooking the water etc. Very nice, very tough.

Still struggling through February with work, weather, horrendous eating patterns and general motivation but this is on the verge of improving with Spring looming. This month has seen my lowest running mileage in the past 12 months. I just wasn't getting myself out running midweek consistently. It makes a difference but the drive just wasn't there.

I had a very vivid gambling dream earlier in the week. I read about other members having such dreams and that its a problem. I’ve had a few. They’re never good. Even in my gambling dreams I’m anxious, desperate and out of control. I don’t mind having them. I think about it for a minute and then move on.

Anyway, life is about to get better. I’m certain of this.

RR