This evening held some really weight for me. I'm nearly 4years clean of gambling.
I'm 4years into a dmp and I should be debt free by my 40th birthday.
Its my wife's birthday today. I got a nice pay rise from work last month and a bonus. And instead I felt proud that I coukd book a meal out a d offer to pay and book a nice romantic evening away with my wife. Not worrying the bonus money and pay rise would need to be spent on debt payments and would be lost gambling.
I didn't feel guilty paying for tea for my family and the look on my wife's face when I told her about her gift was a high I don't think I ever achieved gambling.
Step change and counselling from Gam care got me here. I'm a better person for not gambling. It's been difficult at some points but it's achievable.
Hi
For me the recovery is about healing my pains and understanding my emotional triggers.
I asked my wife what love was, with hesitation she told me that love is giving of our self unconditionally with out any expectations what so ever.
In time I understood that empathy was part of my healing process.
I could not have empathy for another person if I did not have it for my self.
The longer the time I was in recovery my intimacy opened up in the meetings with honest like mineded people.
I learned to articualte what my feeelings and my emotions were.
As my self understanding got much clearer the more honest I was the lessfear tehre was in me.
With lower fears comes more trust in my self.
On walking in to the recovery program I felt so bad about my self, was I evil dumb stupid or just no good.
Abstaining from Gambling seemed impossible for me to do.
Yet it was oly when I started to abstain did I Have any chance of healing the pains of the hurt inner child in me.
How did I know that there was emotional trauma in me that I could not identify.
My legs use to twitch, I could not retain information, I could not understand things clearly, I found it difficult to stay focaused and set focus on my needs my wants and any chance of healthy goals.
I did not think I could live my life with out anxety and panic taking over my life.
Because of my guilt shame regret I did not think I could get back to having healthy intimacy with people in my life.
Yet I understand that the relationships I have with myself and my wife are far more advanced adn deeper than any other time in my life.
For most of my life I did not fully understand how emotional intimacy could or would happen in my life.
With more and more ehaling there is was less anger, less frustrations, improved aptience and tolerance with my self and with the world.
Money gave me more choices, yet money on its own would not heal my pains.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA dave of Beckenham
Dear @stesteb,
It's really good to hear about your progress and how well you are doing. You have achieved a lot and congratulations on reaching nearly 4 years gamble free.
To be able to use money that once was spent gambling on nice things for you and your family must feel great.
Please do continue using the forum and sharing your journey,
Best wishes,
Sophie C
Forum Admin
Hi, well done. Your post is how I am now. Although not as far as you, coming up to 3 years, it's great to be able to spend on good things without worrying and see the enjoyment we get from it. I am also on a DMP with Stepchange who have been amazing and I had some great counselling from Gamcare at the start to help me on my way.
As you say, there have been some very bad times on the road but life is so much better.
All the best
Dear @stesteb,
It's really good to hear about your progress and how well you are doing. You have achieved a lot and congratulations on reaching nearly 4 years gamble free.
To be able to use money that once was spent gambling on nice things for you and your family must feel great.
Please do continue using the forum and sharing your journey,
Best wishes,
Sophie C
Forum Admin
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