Some of my worst times when I was gambling occurred over the Christmas period, particularly Xmas eve and Boxing day.
I would travel to the East Midlands on Xmas eve afternoon to meet friends with the plan to go back home on boxing day evening.
I would get a nice hotel for the few days and make sure I had enough money for my few days away. The problem for me was that I could never avoid walking into a bookies on Xmas eve and knowing that they closed earlier made me bingo gamble.
I would then go to my hotel having lost the money I had planned to spend on presents etc, my mood would change where I did not care about Xmas, I would put a brave face on over Xmas but honestly my heart was not in it because I had gambled away half of my December salary and knew I would have a long January ahead.
By boxing day I could not wait to get home and hide away, I lived alone so it was easy back then, this was about 2015/16.
On waiting to get my coach as their was no trains running I would pop in the bookies and waste more money where I was left with under £200 to last me over 35 days, I got through it but this was a cycle of went through for a long while.
Xmas for me was a scary time, I would watch people walking around with bags of presents, smiling, happy looking forward to the Xmas period, yet my life was gambling, it was me putting a brave face on yet knowing that I had let myself down, betrayed my self, my abilities and all the good work I had achieved in my life.
December 24th 2023 will be the first Xmas eve since in over 30 years where I will feel like other people, where I can buy presents, eat nice food, look myself in the mirror and it will not be a lie.
Please be careful over Xmas with your wages, you will be at your most vulnerable, think of your family, your job your future plans, but more importantly think of YOU.
Hi NoFunJustStop,
Thank you for sharing your timely post about Christmas. This Christmas sounds like a real turning point for you.
Best Wishes
Fiona
Forum Admin
Hi
One of the big things I did with my recovery was to sit my self down and write every fear I had in my life.
Then to give each one of my fears a number out of ten.
One those fears and stresses was Christmas time.
The build up to and then the down side of making payments.
For me it was it was very much about person pleasing, it was about paying back people because of my guilt and shame.
I even use to think it was abaout repairing my relationships.
Then I also saw Christmas as stressful duw to my fears of emotional intimacy.
The came to question why I did things at Christmas did I give of my self unconditonally expecting nothing what so ever in return.
I has been married some time and then asked my wife Shirley what was love.
Her expanation was very simple, giving of your self unconditionally. What was that.
Why woud I every year take some thing which is supposed to be very healthy and trun it in to a very painful and stressful situation.
I use to do the Christams cards at the very last moment.
The I got to understand no ne was stressing me out, I was doing it to my self.
I was causing my self out pains and fears and for what reason.
This year Shirley and I talked about what we both wanted and needed at this Christams.
Nothing material just to be completely relaxed comfortable and to just enjoy our selves.
In effect to have a very healthy intimate time with each other.
I use to say that work stressed me out, that people stressed me out, that finacnces stressed me out.
I use to say that people stressed me out, the truth was it was very my unhealthy reactions.
I now better understand what my my emotional triggers were.
My emotional triggers were my pains that I could not heal.
My emotional triggers were my fears that I could not reduce or face.
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom because I was not able to be productive with my time.
My fears caused me to procrastinate for far to long.
My fears caused me to avod emotional intimacy and to be honest wth others.
In time I got to understand that only abstaining could I start to heal from the pains of my past.
The deeper the therapies I got in to the more my fears were reduced, the more my trust grew.
It was simple not enough for me to abstain from my addictions and my obsessions.
In time I would take each unhealthy habits and exchange them in to healthy habits.
For sure I was a time waster.
For sure I was a lone and feared emotional intimacy.
For sure I was a procrastinator surprise surprise.
Love peace healing and a merry Christmas to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Well said. This time of year is the most challenging time for people with this horrible addiction. Christmas 2022 was the start of all the upset again for me and I lost a ridiculous amount of money in the space of 2 weeks whilst being away from work. I realised I was out of hand back then but just tried covering myself up with lies and anger. Fast forward 1 year and I’m finally getting the help I needed. I was living in denial and just didn’t see an end to my addiction. Glad I reached out for help when I did. Stay positive 👍🏻👍🏻
@adam1995 that's good to hear Adam. Have to start front somewhere, If I can stop and it's been nearly 16 months now then anybody can. We can never beat the bookies or online etc, no systems or plans can beat them. It takes hard work and dedication.
Hi NoFunJustStop
I am really happy to hear that you have a nice Christmas in prospect and you totally deserve it my friend.
30 years of suffering, I know exactly what you're talking about as I gave 20 years of my life to this addiction. It's really scary when you think about it but, what's done is done, I cannot change it.
I like to say, I totally support your call to be careful over the festive period, as people feel a little high spirited and that is a recipe for us to feel and think that little gamble would be alright, I can control myself. We'll, we wouldn't be here if we did, no? Please, that is a totally distorted thinking for compulsive gamblers like myself. Once start, we can't stop, I can't stop, until everything I have disappears, and misery starts again. So, let's be careful and stay stopped.
I wish you and your loved ones all the best of everything.
Ergos
Hi
I use to stress my self out before and during Christmas.
By escaping to my unhealthy addictions at Christmas I was not only cheating my self and my family I was also causing my self more pains and more fears.
Why allow my self to get stressed out at Christmas.
So by identifying my fears I reduced them.
I made a lsit on my computer of people addresses for envelopes.
I got the Christmas cards before December the 1st and got them written in and ready to post.
I made out lists of people I wanted to buy presents for.
Procrastaining I simple made things much worse and stressed my self out.
Each year doing the same things and by the time I got to Christmas I was emotionally traumatized in very unhealthy ways.
So the decision to do some thing about it.
So the decision to make healthy choices with my life.
So the decision to not procrastinate, to not allow fears to inhibit me from getting things done.
Yet again to write down my needs my wants and my goals.
Then to understand when I bought presents was it our of guilt shame or regret.
Was it possible to buy presents not from person pleasing, not from guilt or shame, not to buy peoples freindship.
I asked my wife what love was.
Shirley told me that love is giving of your self uconditionally with out any expectations what so ever.
How do you do that I thought.
How can I find peace in my self.
How can I heal more fo the hurt inner child in me.
How can I become compleetely fearless in every avenue of my life.
Fear restricted me in so many ways it disabled me.
At what point would I exchange my unhealthy habits in to much healthier habits.
Love healing and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Happy Xmas @x05b3kedjt I have too admit I am totally skint until I get paid on the 20th but the great news is, that I have not gambled and I am now 777 days gamble free.
I hope everyone else can get through this period without falling into old habits.
dave101
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
