Hi Guys,
Just wondering, im on day 5 now of not gambling. Im feeling happier in myself that i dont need to go down the shop and doing other things to ocupy my mind. I understand that it is hard for my partner to accept what ive done and to try live with me and trust me will be hard, but constant asking if ive spoken to you guys today and asking not trusting me that i can go to the toliet without betting online makes me feel horrible inside and that i just want to get away (not to gamble just in general) any ideas on how i try tell my partner that i dont feel like i need to speak with someone every day to get over the addiction.
I know some people do speak with someone every day or every other day but when i am trying to focus my mind on doing something which takes my mind off of gambling i dont want to be sat there thinking that while im doing it i need to make surei speak with someone.
Does anyone else have any of the same situations and how they manage to come over them or do you feel as a gambler too that i should be speaking with someoe every day?
NJ
My husband is the recovering CG in the house. My view from the other side is that a CG who has just come clean needs to allow their partner time to absorb and process the news in their own time and in their own way. Your partner is going to be looking for reassurance and my advice would be to go with whatever it is she feels she needs to ask or know honestly and patiently. She's not going to trust you now or for a very long time to come and in fact it would be pretty unwise for her to do so.
I can't say I've ever seen advice to the effect that speaking with someone every day is necessary but if that's what she wants is it really such a big thing to do for her?
Hi,
I was thinking of starting this thread but you beat me to it. What exactly is the hapless OH supposed to do if the decision is taken to stay and support?
Take financial control but not so that it emasculates? Encourage barriers and debt repayment but don't take the job over? Be sympathetic and understanding but not to the point of enabling or removing responsibility? Encourage meetings and counselling but never nag? Be there when needed and back off when not? Forgive and trust again as quickly as possible without prejudicing the safety of the rest of the family? Deal with their own hurt and hang ups without over-burdening the gambler?
I've been walking this tightrope for about eighteen months and I wouldn't say that I'm well balanced.
CW
PS: NJ, you could allow parental blockers on your internet, get your OH to set passwords and then you could go about your business in peace.
You shouldn't HAVE to speak about it regularly.
But addicts are notorious for not discussing things, not reaching out, not being open, thinking they know best, and thinking they can sort things out 'their way'. This unhelpful approach is often applied to 'recovery'.
Being unwilling to discuss things suggests there's a lot of shame being kept inside. Shame is an incredibly powerful, negative driving force.
I realise it's hard to change how we do things and to be more open. This goes completely against how many guys (in particular) have brought themselves up. But this is the challenge - to try a new approach of being open and curious. If we're doing it because we feel we have to then it's unlikely we're being open or curious, and therefore are unlikely to see the benefi
And therefore justify continuing to be closed about stuff, because trying it 'didn't work', even though the reason it doesn't work is because of how we're approaching it.
Louis
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