Should I tell him how Gambling makes me feel

Hi, cg here

Sounds like a a great idea. Writing has more poignancy than verbal and you get control.

Random thought - but a video would also work and be powerful.

start with the facts,e.g. Your xyz actions resulted in xyz. This makes me feel xyz

action is needed to get through to the cg in denial

Louis

Hi Louis, thankyou so much for your feedback. The video is a great idea too.

Hello Poon, that is not only a fantastic valid question but also a great place too get both perspectives.

Before reading Louis post I also thought about starting it off by writing a letter and finding the right time to give it to him. And then I also think this should be followed by a frank conversation with him, not with demands but open.

I get what your saying with withdrawing into your self, your being hit with invisible sucker punches. I also wonder whether if you actually own the anxiety and whether this is a by product of his gambling. Gamblers have a tendency of being there in body but not in mind, it tends to confuse the oh, with which is fairly obvious but also cunning.

I think others will come and give this slant your superb question. And I'll finish this off, but your asking the right questions, but look after you as the addict needs to want to stop and until they do words, whether there written or spoke can be futile.

Take care

Hi Volcano, Yes maybe you are right and no words will have any affect on him at all whether written or spoken but I should try right? I have had anxiety for over ten years and it comes and goes but since the gambling started again it has definetly reared its ugly head again. My partner did the right thing and told me about his addiction a couple months into our relationship and I had to think long and hard about whether I should continue with the relationship. I knew that if he gambled the problems it would cause in a relationship.....the lies, deceipt and how unsettling this would be. I decided to give it a go because I would hate if someone gave up on me just because I have anxiety, everyone deserves a chance right? so for the past, lets say 7 months he hadn't (as far as I know gambled) then is started again and boom it came in a massive blow and for the past 2 months its become a thing like there are 3 people in our relationship. I hate what this is doing to us because he is such a gentle, loving, caring person and I know it detroys him too. So now my anxiety is right up there and all my past demons are rearing there ugly head and its killing me, I try to keep it all from him because it will make him feel bad and guilty. All I know id that I am not very good at expressing myself without making more of a mess of the situation. I want to help him through this but he has been doing it since he was a teenager and if he won't get help how is he ever gonna stop or get the coping mechanisms to deal with his addiction. Im just lost with it all. Im not saying im not going to stand by him I just need some guidance I guess along the way from others who are dealing with the same or going through it themselves. He says that ill never understand, and i guess I won't but I'm trying my hardest to be there for him.

Hai Poon, a big fat yes you've got to try. I maybe never articulated it very well but somewhere in there is the man you married and maybe initially you may not get the answer you want but your words will stick some where in the abyss of the mind. Despite maybe not realising but just by being here and asking these questions implies that you are a strong woman and an old saying that I really believe in is that ' behind every strong/ great man is an even stronger woman '.

But there are also rules and rule number 1 is that you need to put yourself first and don't be a passenger, rule number 2 is his and needs to be ready to stop, not for you but for him. Them rules needs to go together. You only need to work on the first rule, as that's the only thing in your control.

I really wish you well

ps, you express yourself very well

A question for you Poon, but have you some where to go for a bit of time out i.e. family/ friends to just talk about random stuff and clear your head before writing or discussing?

HI Volcano, thankyou for replying to me. I do have a few close friends that I talk to but no one really understands. I guess I don't need them to but I just need to talk it out. I sometimes feel like im going crazy with all this and the anxiety makes it 100 times worse as I over think every little detail. I have heard alot of people on here say that its all in their control and that makes me sad because I know that gambling will win and destroy our relationship eventually. I have been through alot of tough times which I am in a way thankful for because it has made me a strong person and maybe thats where all my anxiety comes from. I stayed single for such along time frightened to be involved with anyone and it made me really at peace with myself. When I met my partner he just fit into my life and he cares so much for me that it was like a fairytale and then wham he admitted his problem which is a very brave thing to do but now I just feel unsettled again and I want that peace back, but I want it back and I want him to be by my side. I love him dearly. See I have started to ramble.......although I made a decision this week that I am going to see someone about my own anxiety hoping to control that and not continue to fuel my negative thoughts about gambling so that I can be strong for him and hopefully if he sees that I am being strong it will help him too.

It's good to ramble poom. As I said before this is such a valid point you asked and I'm glad to read that you are off to see someone about your anxiety. Also I get your friends won't understand it but it's good to talk just about random stuff as like the weather etc. Also, possibly an idea to get yourself on the f & f section on this forum where you can chat to others that have been caught up in this nasty addiction, you need support to make sense out of this madness, I wish you well

Hi Poon10

Yes you should use every technique you feel comfortable with to let your partner know how the gambling affects and upsets you.

If you write it down that could be a great help to you. If you can calmly get your feelings over when faced with all this, it will be more effective than letting the emotions run high. I do understand why emotions run high though as its not your fault. Ive been a gambler and I wouldnt tolerate the behaviour of a gambler close to me in my home

However I must advise that you should not feel bad or shy away from making your feelings known that it is not acceptable. I dont know your relationship or if it could turn into rows so you must handle this as you wish to

Give gamcare a call as many times as you like and you will gain extra strength by learning about the addiction, using this forum and perhaps visiting the gam anon for family members

Do you have family support? A Trouble shared can get you some much needed support.

Please dont get too anxious. A gambling addiction is not acceptable so you are not in the wrong. You must protect yourself ,your own finances and quality of life.

You are not alone and will get plenty of help and good advice.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi, again,

Would agree that it's well worth writing a letter and or telling him, but I'd advise you to have limited expectations as to the outcome.

Will he listen, read it, take it on board, recognise the error of his ways, change things because you've asked him to? Unlikely, if he's in the state where all he wants to do is fulfil the urge to gamble and doesn't want anything to get in the way of the next fix. Bear in mind that it's no good looking for normal rational responses from someone who's behaviour is abnormal and irrational.

In the main, writing it down will clarify things for you and help you. Secondly, it's very important to state the reality of the gambling problem and discourage the denial. The letter is one part of this, but also making it clear that you are protecting your own financial interests by separating financial links, by telling him that if he gambles that's his choice and responsibility, by making sure that you go to GamAnon and/or counselling, by doing what it takes to look after yourself. He'll get the help he needs at GA.

At the end of the day, he can change, if he wants it more than the next bet. You can encourage but not force that to come about. In the meantime, keep your focus on what's best for you and step back from the chaos.

Take care,

CW

Nothing to be lost by giving it a go but I agree with CW in having limited expectations about the outcome if he doesn't want to stop.

You seem to be doing all the worrying here. What is he doing to address this? From your opening post on your other thread it appears nothing. You say he won't get help and he says he can't stop but he thinks it's all OK because he's told you upfront he's got a problem.

He's manipulating you into accepting that he's going to fail and giving himself free reign to carry on regardless. If he wanted to stop there are things he could do that would radically slow if not eliminate his access to gambling with immediate effect.

Protect yourself financially, read up on the addiction and get RL support if you can then think hard about what you want, need, expect and deserve from a partner. You can't help him until he wants to be helped. Put yourself first until that happens.

Thank you so much for all your responses..... as I read more and more posts I keep hearing the same thing.....Theres nothing I can, he has to do it himself. You all make so much sense but I still feel lost in it all. Maybe when I sort my anxiety out I can stop worrying so much and 'step back from the chaos'. I'll be back with loads more questions if thats ok?

I disagree ponn10. there's plenty you can be doing. Keeping yourself safe for one as Cynical wife suggests but then there's understanding the addiction and how it affects the addict. I wish it was a case of just stopping and life would revert back to normal. That is rarely the case especially for those more progressive.

Have you looked into gamcare counselling / gam-anon?

Keep asking questions. Always more to learn and understand.

HI Triangle, I havent looked into GamCare but I guess I should.