A catch up

Thank you Cynical Wife

Ive reread all the info you sent me and have left the orange leaflet in his room.

You're absolutely spot on, and Ive fallen back into mum mode as I call it and some things need to change. He pays little rent and towards the thousands he owes us and it is leaving him with a great deal of money to gamble with, theres a standing order in place that gets paid as soon as his wages go in so I dont have to chase him for that.

You made a good point about abandonment, thats how I saw it, that keeping a distance meant that somehow I didnt love him as much of course its not true, I see that now.

Hes actually spoke to me this morning only because I told him his rent was increasing but better than stoney silence. He asked me not to increase his rent because he owes his girlfriend money too, not my problem and told him so. He said hes aware of one of his triggers, it gets to pay day and the panic about paying back the money he owes us makes him gamble more trying to win enough to pay us it all back, then he loses and gets more anxious and bets more. Great he actually spoke to me hasnt said anything gambling related for a long time, but its classic manipulation. I reminded him chasing his loses doesnt work and if he wants to stop theres many things he can be doing for recovery if he wants it. I highly doubt he'll do anything and regardless his rent increase stays.I wont be staying up watching his bank account again, Im getting too involved again and need to stop that.

His behaviour isnt acceptable, I thought him not being aggresive was a plus but its not enough, hes unpleasent in other ways with his moods, lack of respect , remoteness and his body language. You can be unpleasent to someone with out actually saying a word, how sad am I that I thought him not being aggressive was enough, but I guess its the way hes got me over the years.

Ive been to counselling twice and I dont think I could learn anything more from it, I have needed to be reminded of somethings and youve done that, so thank you. Ive picked myself and wont let myself get to the low point I was ealier in the year, I think a rough night has given me the reminder I needed.

Thanks again

I am so sorry... I don't really have any words of wisdom:(. Know that I am walking arm in arm with you on this journey... although miles and an ocean away. Keep moving forward you are doing all you can.

In love and friendship

Cathyx

Hi Phoenix67

I first read your post at 4.30 am Friday morning, I was awake too, cyring and stressing about my CG partner, I moved into the spare bedroom to try to sleep and stop stressing about it for a few hours (fat chance). I learnt the week before he had started to gamble again after he promised last year it was over, I had no idea what it involved. Its take a couple of weeks to start to come to terms with it and I am seeking help from Gamanon, counselling etc.

The reason i wanted to write to you is because my son is a drug addict, weed mainly, continually stoned and no ambition in life except for his next smoke. What you wrote about your son hit me hard on Friday and has stuck with me ever since. I tried the tough love and I lasted about 3-4 months before I got in touch and helped him to move away from a controlling and destructive relationship, only for him to jump back into another one a few months later and another when that ended. He is a user in more ways than just drugs and he is a lier and a thief.

I have backed right off this last few weeks, interestingly the same night I made that decison to do that, was the every night it was the thoughts of my partners behaviour that kept me awak and not my son. The next morning I question my partner and over 2-3 days it came out that he was gambling again.

To have to deal with both of them right now and they are similar in some ways, is almost more than I have been able to bear. But with the help of the Gamanon mtg I attended last week and the ladies on here, I am beginning to return to my positive self.

I have a bit of a plan, at least one for this day, this week. My partner has been so lucky that I did not end it last week. I have chosen to work with him and to take care of myself while he also tries to stay in recovery.

My son, well you know, it breaks your heart every day. I really do wish I had just a small measure of influence over him and could make him see the mistakes he is making. Certainly whether its gambling or drugs the traits and behaviours are similar. I have tried the hard boundaries but my son tramples all over them with two fingers in the air, firmly pointed at me and the rest of the family. I hope he matures and sees sense soon before he loses everyone.

I know I have to take care of me as I dont want this to drag me down so far, I cant get up.

I wish you and your family and your son every luck and happiness in the future.

Hi

Amom, thank you very much for your unending support :), it helps more than you know. Im doing my best to look after myself and I leave my son alone, for my benefit not his. Im going with what you said earlier " sometimes no choice is a choice" for the moment thats suits me best. Im not sure of much other than I know I wont live this way indefintely, not sure when that will change just know we will part company again, if he continues as he is.

Nicole

Im so very pleased to hear you're getting the support you need its vital when we have to live this way. Earlier this year I was at absolute breaking point and had what I can only describe as a break down, Im doing much better now but it was a big reminder that we need to look after ourselves.

This is heartbreaking, when I think of my son I just feel utter sadness, yes love, frustration, and a whole list of things somedays but mostly just very sad. I wish like you there was a way of getting through to them but there isnt, Ive accepted recovery only comes if they want it.

Ive often said its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place, its hard to know what to do for the best. We did the tough love thing when we made him leave at the beginning of the year, hardest thing Ive ever had to do but in hindsight we should of left him in the filthy awful place he was living in and maybe he'd be closer to wanting recovery.

I do know that our sons see our love for them as something they can you use to manipulate us with to get what they want, and Ive walked into this trap countless times. My son knows exactly what to do to pull on my heart strings and so does yours, its all part of the addict behaviour. If that doesnt work theres a whole list of behaviours they'll try to get what they want and wont so much as pause for breath in the process. My son like yours is a liar and a thief and when caught stealing just goes about his way and usually throws in some insults with it, absolutely vile, although currently theres none of that and knows we'd throw him out again if he so much as raised his voice.

My son with out the addiction is kind sweet, genlte and lovely to be around and Im guessing you'll say the same about your son, however we're not dealing with our sons we're dealing with addict behaviour and thats what we have to remember.

I didnt see that for years I was being manipulated, I thought he couldnt get much past me anymore, yes I could usually tell when hes lying, or stolen or many other things he was doing but didnt realise that reacting to his behaviour was part of the manipulation too.

I was told many many times to look after myself and I didnt take is seriously enough until I hit rock bottom and its a long climb back up so please put yourself first.

X

Hi Phoenix, i really feel for you, it wears you down and the realisation that this addiction is ongoing and is a lifetime battle really hits home and becomes overwhelming at times. We don't want this for our loved ones we don't want this constant worry, watching bank balances going down etc etc etc. Things are alot better than they were this time last year for my son, at times it has been awful. He still has a bet now and again, no where near like he used to, he has a lovely girlfriend who knows everything, he told her himself and I filled in the gaps what he had missed out! and advised of what to look for as I know his patterns. Between the three of us it seems to be working and I'm very relieved about that but will remain vigilant. I hope your son and yourself find some peace soon, wcid x