I’m new so sorry if this doesn’t make sense it’s hard to talk about or describe how I feel.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. We live separately. I didn’t know he was a gambler. He would always lie about were he was, saying he has a job when actually he doesnt. He lies about everything and I have no idea why. He can never be honest with me about anything. We have to have a million arguments before I find out the truth weeks or months later. He says he doesn’t get paid from jobs when he has one. Eventually I found out he’s a gambling in casinos and online.
At first he said he needed money this was before I knew. I got a loan and gave him some. Then he applied for other loans in my name, my credit card is maxed out trying to pay all these loans. And all the debt is in my name. While he does nothing. I am stupid for getting the loans but he would say he’s been kicked out etc and I trusted him. In the end He told me it was gambling and bitcoin. He promises me he will pay me back never does. He can’t stay in a stable job. He keeps lying to me and I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t.
He thinks he’s over gambling as he says he hasn’t gambled in a few months. I don’t even know if this is true. He says he’s had help, again I don’t think I believe him and think he needs more if he has and he says he will but doesn’t.
Some days he feels bad and says he will make it up to me, other days he makes out I’m crazy, or why the rush for money as I can’t afford all the loans and gets really nasty and defensive. I try and communicate and he just calls it an argument and says I need to stop arguing all the time. I can never express how I feel. No matter what I do I am always in the wrong, I have tried so hard, and put my effort into this relationship but I am now depressed from it and he has no remorse and doesn’t understand how tiring it is.
I have no idea what to do or how to help him or how to trust him. And I wish we could just talk but he won’t. And I’m losing myself because of it but I feel bad if I give up on him. But I can’t cope with him not being able to communicate and being lied. And I feel like he is purposely trying to hurt me. I feel so useless and so sad as all I’ve done is try and help and I get shouted at for it, lied to and hurt. Is it really worth the pain? When he doesn’t even try to understand or listen he just ignored me or walks away. Is there any way I can stop him lying to me? I just want to trust him again and support him as it must be difficult for him. But I can’t keep being made out I’m crazy for wanting to talk or to know the truth or have the money I’m owed. No one knows that he’s a gambler apart from his family or the debt I’m in so I have no one to talk to.
thank you.
My advice, get as far away from him as you can. He doesn't care about you and you need to surround yourself with people who do. Gamblers can lie and hide things and lose lots of money and at times need to rely on others to help them out financially when they get too bad. But the big difference that many people don't realise or chose to ignore or find it difficult to talk about is that some gamblers are a holes anyway, some are decent people and others are genuinely good people.
A good person with a gambling problem is likely to cry and show remorse when they hit rock bottom and feel really bad they have let down other people etc etc etc. A holes don't show any care or take any responsibility after it all, and that's your boyfriend, so get away if you can, put yourself 1st as you are a caring person it seems and your ability to be nice to many people is being wasted if you stay with this person.
All my opinion, I'm happy if people agree or disagree with my, we all have different experiences and live a different way of life.
Good luck
Hi help123 . Really sorry for your distress. Has there ever been a happy time in your relationship? From what you've written im struggling to find any positives for you. You need to get your debt sorted have you spoken to the Gamcare advisors about what support you can get for yourself? You say his family know what do they say about it ? Do they know about the debt , do they know about his deception applying for loans in your name ? You need help to get yourself get sorted I don't think that he's going to sort out what's his mess although he should !! Gambling is a demon and it's a lifetime addiction that needs change in the person to become gamble free and stay gamble free. Take care and post again if you want to talk further
Hi Help123,
Sorry to hear what you are going through.
It sounds as though your boyfriend is deep into gambling. A lot of people realise this themselves but some people don’t.
As you’ve said yourself, you have supported him where ever you can. I think it is now time you had some serious conversation with him. If he doesn’t listen, you should be ready to walk away.
As St3v3n said, you can’t put someone in so much debt as a result of your addiction and not show remorse. I hope you’ve stopped bailing him out and cut all financial ties so he doesn’t put you in more debt.
How bad are your debts? Do you need support managing your finances? The focus at this point should be yourself first.
What a scumbag, get away from him, call the police about him getting loans in ur name!!!!
Hi help123
this is a way to help you realise what is happening here.
trying to help or fix someone who is an addict becomes enabling. These are his issues. Why do you want to help him when he has treated you so badly?
as Adam says getting loans in your name is fraud.
who is this person? Do you know anything about him? Has he lied about everything?
even now after all he’s lied about and committed fraud, you still want to help him. Why?
if you don’t do something this will continue.
stepchange are a charity that help with issues like this regarding gambling, debts, fraud and loan sharks. It’s confidential and they will really help you.
gamcare offer counselling, gamanon offer real life support.
This is not your fault. To help an addict you need to step back. Never offer support for bad behaviour, no bailouts, no secrets, no lies.
seriously get some support and advice about the money situation. Make those calls and start feeling better.
in my opinion if you don’t do those things you will never see a penny of that money, you will be stuck in this abusive addictive relationship. He needs help too but not from you, he needs to take responsibility for his actions.
put yourself first, stop worrying about him and feeling guilty.
Hiya help123
I'm so sorry to read your post and when I answer I feel like a hypocrite as the last time I gambled on the 24th of April I used my partners PayPal account therefore I stole her money but that's the choice I made and makes me a lier a thief and I let her down. But the one thing different is I've not gambled again and I've done everything in my power to make it up to her by replacing what I can and not gambling again. He needs to admit he's in the wrong and be there for you as he's the one with the problem not you plus he should be seeking help. I can't tell you what to do but please remember it's not your problem and he needs to sort this plus thank you for being you as you've put up with more than a lot of people would your a good person and deserve the same in return and he should move heaven and earth for you
Thank you everyone. We have had some good times but he always makes I’m out a psycho. One minute he says he will send me proof or whatever I need I ask for proof then he gets all defensive saying why should he. He has lied about nearly everything not just gambling. Trying to talk to him gets me nowhere as apparently I need to stop moaning or causing an argument when all I want to do is communicate. I’m in about 30k worth of debt I’m so ashamed. My credit file has gone from amazing to ruined. I’m to ashamed to tell anyone. His family do know but don’t do anything. I do see a good side to him I really do but this good side doesn’t show often. He was due to pay me today but said he didn’t his pay from work if he is even working keeps changing then asks why it’s an issue. I think it’s time to walk away and move on as much as I want to support him, I don’t know what more I can do. I just don’t know how I can move on after all this. I feel like I’ll never trust anyone again.
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