Hi,
This is my first time here so am new but hoping it will help me.
So i am 21 years old and have been with my boyfriend since we were 17. I guess i first noticed signs on his 18th birthday when he seemed excited at the idea of being able to place bets but didnt really think anything of it.
Anyway fastforward around 2 years, and i found out that he had been taking loans and maxing credit cards leading him to around £10k of debt (we were only 19/20!). It came as a shock but we decided to work through it. I took on alot of responsibility in helping him to organise his finances but did it because i loved him. He told me it wouldnt happen again and i spent alot of time trying to help him and build back the trust between us.
Around 2 months ago i told him that i still had a bad gut feeling like i couldnt trust him, but he convinced me it was all in my head. Then a few days later i found one of his betting accounts (one of many i should add, but the only one i could access), and found that he had placed £4700 of bets in the last six months. I confronted him and he accepted that he had a gambling addiction and said (again) that it wouldnt happen again.
I just feel like i spent all this time trying to rebuild trust, solve his finance issues and it was all for nothing. I just feel so dissapointed and let down by him. Ive been saving for our future and hes been throwing it away. Let alone that i had all this responsibility thrown on my shoulders but he doesnt even consider how its affected me. Part of me wants to support him because i dont want this to spiral out of control. At the same time, im at breaking point and feel like this has been a pivotal moment for me in deciding my future. I struggle to see how i can build a future with someone so unreliable.
I just dont know what to do next, has anyone got any comments or thoughts? Thanks for reading, I just feel like i need some suppport and i dont know where else to go.
Sorry to hear what’s happening but I would suggest that you’re operating from a few false premises.
You know exactly who your boyfriend is because he keeps demonstrating it to you. He has an addiction, he’s using and behaving accordingly with the standard lies, broken promises, manipulation and emotional remoteness that go with addiction. You can’t fix him with your love and you can’t turn him into who you want him to be. He is who he is. Is that what you want for yourself and if so, why? What is it in you that makes sorting him out so attractive? And are you deeply in love with the addict that he actually is or with your fantasy of who he could be if only he would become what you want him to be?
On the same lines, an adult relationship is two way. What is the point in building your vision of a life together if he doesn’t demonstrate his commitment to the same vision? You have not had the responsibility thrust upon you. Actually it’s about control. You took the responsibility from him, in the same way that Mother takes responsibility for her toddler. But toddlers are supposed to be irresponsible, they do need Mother to look after them and clear up their mess. It’s normal for a mother with toddlers but it’s not normal for adults who are supposed to be independent, it’s not normal for an equal life partnership. The hard question is why do you gravitate towards an active addict with whom any real adult relationship is not possible? What did you learn growing up that makes it normal for you?
There’s a lot of standard advice about how to protect yourself financially. He’ll play if you pay, directly or indirectly, best avoided. His recovery will come when he wants it and it will involve him sorting himself out. For you, it’s not about why does he keep gambling, it’s about what makes an active addict the partner that your heart desires. Your answers will come when you focus on you and get the help you need with your life. Try GamAnon (or AlAnon if you’re around alcoholics).
CW
Sorry to see this.
Unfortunately what you want (for him to stop) is out of your control. He is the only one who can take responsibility for his recovery and he will only do that when he wants to. You don't need to trust him and it's not wise to anyway at least around money. You don't even need to support him if you don't want to or can't. There's a wealth of advice and help available to him should he choose to look for it. He can also get support and understanding from GA and counselling.
Protect your finances and save your energy for you. Prioritise you and what you want. Think hard about how you want life to be and how you deserve to be treated. An active addict is very unlikely to match up.
+1 for breaking off.
You're so young, you don't need the hassle or lies. Go live your life and find someone who respects you, your partner doesn't and gambling isn't making him come across as appealing. Harsh words but he's the only one that can help himself.
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