Hi all,
I have been with my bf 4 years. Disclosed at the start he had past difficulties with gambling, before me 30,000 debt. His parents paid it off and he got help.
Over the past 4 months he has been distant & secretive. I’ve asked if he’s ok, he said he was. I felt I was paranoid. I asked him last week if he had gambled. He said no and that it’s sad I can’t trust him. He then said his MH was bad so I suggested he sees his family and friends for a change of scenery. I had doubts and asked for access to his betting apps, he made excuses but I was firm, saw he has spent a few thousand over 3-4 months. He told me if I didn’t find it, he wouldn’t have told me as it’s taken over. He told his family, and has signed up for therapy/attended a GA group this week.
I haven’t been able to speak to him for days. I was planning for a future. It’s my house, fortunately, so I pay a majority and I’ve asked for little from him as I assumed he didn’t have much left, we haven’t been able to go out much. I felt ok as we were saving and he had some debt to clear then found out he’s been spending the remainder of his wages/savings gambling. He’s broken my trust and I don’t know if I can see past it. I feel I’ll be a paranoid wreck wanting to see his statements and apps constantly. The way he was so believable at times when he lied for months, made me feel crazy. He is a good person, I just haven’t seen it recently but I don’t know if that’s enough.
My mum went through addiction and doing this again scares me. He has been upset, saying it took over, and he wants to change and can’t imagine losing me but I don’t know if he’s getting help just because I caught him out. This is the 2nd-3rd time I know about him relapsing. He said it’s an outlet when he feels depressed but doesn’t know why he’s depressed. I feel so isolated, angry and confused.
Does it ever get better? How do you ever trust again? I worry about buying in the future, becoming financially tied, having children, him feeling low and doing this again. His behaviour the last few months, lies and manipulation worried me, what if I believed it again.
Its a tricky situation at my height of my addiction nothing could stop me from gambling my family paid my debts of my ex loaned me money which in return i spent on gambling i know i had an addiction but i was too far gone its only the last few years i wanted to change i have improved significantly sounds like your partner is in it deep, gambling is like drugs addicts get addicted to it issue is you have to put the effort in you have to be committed he needs to show u he wants to do something about it otherwise the addiction will take over and he will be in even worse situation, very few people have changed and some havent had a bet in decades but i do notice one thing in common they understand its a life long addiction so they can't afford to bet, it a diffcult situation to be in but if he anything like me 10 years ago i would tell you to pack your bags and leave, i regret what i did to fund this addiction i wish i never placed my first bet i hate gambling as it destroyed my life
Hi
In the recovery program they have rooms for parents partners who want to give support.
The rooms are Gamanon and in time they will help you find healing of your pains.
You are not the cause of his addictions.
The addictions and obsessions just indciated that I was emotionally vulnerable and lived in so many fears.
He tells lies because he lives in so many fears.
The people in the reovery program will help him help him self.
No one could stop me gambling that was going to be my own healthy choice.
In time I handed over my finances because I could not be trusted my self with money.
Him being distant & secretive is very much fear based issues.
I now understand that I did not have a clue that my addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse and self negect.
I use to fear being honest.
I use to fear emotional intimacy.
It is not healthy to have people pay off my debts.
In time I got more accountable to my sef.
My wife asked me to be honest each day to her, that she would ask me each day if I gambled.
Then she stopped asking me, I questioned her why she stopped asking me.
She said I now know when you are not gambling.
It is best you go to Gamanon for healing your pains and reducing your fears.
It certainly takes time for a compulsive gambler to reduce his fears and heal his pains.
You haven’t been able to speak to him for days, may be that is a healthy thing for both of you.
Lies are a betrayal of peoples trust and that is very painful.
Yet if he gets committed in to a recovery program and sticks with it you never know.
Often people will say that the addictions and obsessions controlled their lives.
In the recovery program if they work at it they will open up to therapies.
Healthy therapies reduce our fears of being honest and also trust grows.
The money is just the fuel for our addictions.
Love peace and healing to every one.
Dave L
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