How do I survive this?

Sadly none of us can get our money back, its best to accept the Losses and put all the Blocks in place.Its not a bad thing to give someone a chance , i hope all turns out good for you.It is futile to think we can stop the Gambling without the Blocks Gamcare Gamstop,Gamban and above all moses is a life saver.Best wishes

Hello - I found out v similar in July.  It’s been a very long and hard 4 months. My husband has put blocks on everything and been to therapy for a 6-week programme (5 days residential) through a charity… since then though his mental health has severely declined to the point he’s under care of community mental health team (reluctantly). The only thing I can say is that it feels awful and terminal and the anger and betrayal is real but the positive is that he has told you. That’s the start. There will probably be more to come out. I got some counselling myself through ARA - another charity. They gave me the strength to understand addiction more and try to work with him but at the moment sadly he is really pushing me away again. I’m the only one aside from a couple of family members who know so I guess I am a constant thorn in his side reminding him of his demons and always seeking like I am keeping a check on him (I assume that’s how it feels from his perspective anyway) and why he might be pushing me away. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever dealt with. There is a need to safeguard your own financial position and also be cruel to he kind of- don’t loan or give money to him or pay off debts. Step Change is a really good place to start for that to get it under control. Hope that helps a little. It’s awful.

If I am honest with you. Please support him, get him some help take control of his banking and offer him your support as a lifeline to putting it right. This doesn’t make him a horrible person, it is a disease that needs help and attention. 

I am currently 44k in debt and trying to battle this awful addiction. 

Hi wouldratheebeinitialy

I come on this forum occasionally.

Came across someone who was addicted to gambling, not in touch anymore however I am still thinking of it. 

The good thing is that your husband told you. At least he is not in denial. Check if there are other debts he has not told you about. 

Put yourself FIRST. And I mean it. It is an illness but don’t be too ‘nice’ towards it.

Remember that they lie a lot (not because they are liars on the first place but any addiction makes addicts ‘lie’).

Goodwill won’t be enough to stop he needs to see a therapist, stop seeing people he could be gambling with, find a hobby he sticks to (otherwise he will go back to the addiction etc…).

And relapses are frequent. Don’t lend money, don’t pay his debts.

Best of luck.

Candy xxx

I forgot to add something massively important and only him or/and perhaps you will know: Every addiction has a root, a trauma. 

If your husband does not do something about the cause, it will carry on. Not only the symptoms (in this case gambling addiction) needs to be addressed but also the trauma which has caused it. 

Candy xx

Thanks everyone for your comments. I'm honestly at a bit of a loss with what to do. He won't talk to me and I can't really get any answers from him. He just says he thinks "we're done" and honestly I'm not sure I've got the fight in me. He says he's getting help but I've not seen anything that would suggest that yet. I just feel so stupid. It has come from nowhere and I just don't know if there's any way back from this. 

Yes because you probably feel betrayed and might think that you are not sure if you entirely knew the person you married. 

Yourself can be the only judge of what you want to do. However you have just written that your husband is not making steps to make a change and battle the addiction (well that you can’t see it).

If he does not then it is not going to stop.

Do you know if he told you because you were going to discover it or if it is because he felt guilty about it?

I am so sorry you are going through. It does feel sickening when you first hear about the loss. My partner of 13 years has in total gambled about £120k savings,  and I was almost physically sick when I found out. As hard as it is I have to imagine the money was never there in the first place, it's the only way I can cope.

I think if they are willing to take steps to get help then that's a really positive start. There is a lot of great support out there, but you also have to protect yourself and have boundaries in place as to what you are willing to accept. 

My partner is still gambling and not seeking any help at all, he has turned to drink to cope and so now we have another addiction starting. 

Its incredibly hard as the family of a GA to have to deal with the lies, mood swings and depression as well as the financial implications of it all. I think it's not taken as seriously as other addictions but it as equally destructive. 

I do hope it works out for you and you can get support in place but whatever you protect yourself. I only wish I would take my own advice as I am currently in a bit of denial. 

X

Having been an addict myself and having to tell my husband and family I was in over £50k worth of debt was incredibly hard, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and a burden. The truth is I was very near to hitting rock bottom and was thinking about how everyone was better off without me… be aware your husband might be feeling like this. 

By telling you he has admitted he has a problem which is a massive first step and terrifying, which is a sign he wants to stop removed link  

The way I dealt with my issues:- 

I firstly sought support first through ARA, that first step for me was admitting I had a problem, I needed help and support on how/when I was going to tell my husband/family…

I sought advice on debt management and got all my facts straight, to figure out how I was going to get out of the hole I had got myself in.

Secondly I chose to have counselling… I set this up before I told anyone because I needed to show proof to the people that I was hiding my addiction from that I was controlling/managing the situation.

Thirdly I put Gamstop on all my accounts so I can no longer access gambling websites.

Fouth I confided in friends first as they aren’t connected to me financially, but it was a way I could build up the courage to say it out loud to people that I am close to, I then told my parents and after knowing I had their supper just incase my husband threw me out the house, I then told my husband… (Luckily for me he was dead calm to start with… later on when his brain started ticking it all over he started with the Spanish Inquisition in terms of questions) 

Your husband might have done all these sorts of things in the background but not communicated that to you.

My husband moderated my finances for a couple of months after I opened up to him, I was totally transparent and showed him all my accounts because I mean the thought of losing him was worse than money worries, at the end of the day it is only money! 

I have been gamble free since March this year, and have turned my dopamine addiction from gambling to finding bargains on vinted, upcycling and selling on for profit. 

I basically diverted my addiction from an unhealthy addiction into a healthier one.

I can understand how you are feeling, hurt, betrayed, being angry gets you nowhere, it just pushes the addict away… but you do need to push for him to be 100% transparent with you. You don’t need to micro manage him, but you do need to check in and make sure he’s heading in the right direction. Sit down with him make a plan with him to chip away at the debt and then ask him to show you when he hits key mile stones like clearing off half of a credit card, you can then celebrate his successes. 

I was in a situation where my husband was putting pressure on me to buy a house my credit score was poor as poor could be at 494 (out of 1000) and the stress of hiding the secret was too much for me to bear anymore. In 8 months I’ve turned it around and my score is now excellent at 967 out of 1000.

We are 2 weeks away from completing on a house. 

He also needs to call round all the debt management companies and make a tailor made plan… tell him not to jump in at the first bit of advice he gets as some of the companies have very valid points that may or may not affect future credit.

Step change will tell you a DMP (Debt Management Plan) won’t hurt your credit score “it will” any form of debt management will on your report! Also pay off credit cards but don’t reduce the overall total of allowance just yet, once he starts paying off credit cards he will look better to lenders having credit on his cards that he has not spent. I was going to pay off cards and instantly shut them down, this would have worsened the situation, because I’d have been utilising 100% of my available credit. If he can pay off half his credit card debt that will be a huge improvement on his score.

Sorry I have gone on a bit but hopefully this advice may help you ☺️… I hope you work things out and he will 100% need your support to get through this!