Ive just found out my partner has been gambling regularly again.
After going back right through our bank account for past 6 months I worked out every time he was paying for something (he would always tell me it was for work, social things, transferring to friends for events etc). Turns out he was just changing the account name to whatever he was transferring to, but all the account number was the same. When i approached him, he was honest and said it was going to his gambling app :(.
Im devastated, we have been working on paying back his large debt already with my family and his family helping too, and now all these lies, directly to my face. 🙁
This has been a 3 year battle now, and just when i thought he was doing so well, and really he has been gambling and lying the whole time 🙁
He refuses GA, does see a therapist. But i just don't feel like he is doing enough...
His triggers are physical injuries, he currently has a bad knee and back. When he can't exercise he gets worse, he also has a stressful job.
I am just so sad, im young, i want a bright future but how long do I keep doing this, when do i know it is time to walk away? 🙁 How do you ever build trust like this back....
I am no expert, I did the same your what your partner did. You cant earn the trust back 100% again but doesnt mean he cant earn it back 99% ? if that make sense..
What I learnt from experience, is that you have to be truthfully honest amongst your relationship for the both of you with everything..
He needs to seek professional help , and he needs to forgive him self and stop chasing. once he forgive himself and learn to love himself then he can help the people he loves around him.
Hi
One day my wife and I talked about my addiction.
How it caused her so much pain.
I was so focused on the money lost.
My wife explained it was my betrayal and lies that hurt her.
She did not understand that my addictions and obsessions just indicated the pains of my past not ealed.
That my addictions and obsessions just indicated the amount of fear I lived in.
In time I would agree to be honest with about if I had or not gambled each day.
Only once I took my recovery seriously and got honest would a healthy honesty grow in me.
I felt some comfort not having to lie to her or my self.
Dave L
Thank you for your responses. They mean a lot to me.
I just don't know how to move on from this. How to get back on track... 🙁
he does see a therapist, used to be monthly but recently was pushed back to 3 months... I acrually did one session with him, which was good. However the therapist is suggesting rather then looking at gambling in such a negative way to try and use it as a controlled thing. For example say we are at the pub together we can decide to put $20 on a bet together so it not always such a negative thing. Which i am struggling with and i am not sure this sits right with me, but was willing to try for him.
We live in Australia, gambling is EVERYWHERE. pubs, casinos every corner, street. all my guy friends gamble regularly, its almost part of the culture, sunday beers watch some sports and put on some bets. You see my partner says he doesnt want to feel isolated in those situations like everyone is looking and thinking of him differently....
I dunno i am just so lost at the moment, i love him so dearly and i know he is also in pain. he hates himself which makes it hard. I really want to make this work and have a future with him...
Does anyone else have any suggestions for things you have put in place to help him with his addicition. we have passwords on all the accounts now, he only gets a small amount of spending money a week, and if needs more has to ask, he sees a therapist (which i have suggested to increase frequency again). I would really love to see him do GA meetings or at least try. But he is so adamant its not for him... Just wondering if there are other ways he can work on it to try? I think as well for me, seeing him try his absolute all in getting better is something i need to help gain trust back that he is serious about it too.. i know this isnt just about me, and i cant force him into things...
i just so desperately want to live a normal life 🙁
Hi Charlie,
I feel your pain and your frustration and this time last month I also felt completely hopeless and like I wouldn't be able to trust my husband again, but time is a healer and the more work he puts in the more trust he builds back up. His struggles are not going to go away over night, it takes time and effort.
I would 100% recommend referring yourself to GamCare if you haven't already. My husband and I referred ourselves separately, so I know he is getting support and I also get a phone call every other week from a lovely counsellor who allows me to have a cry and whinge about all of my frustrations and reassures me that the way I am feeling is totally normal. Me and my husband are much more honest and open with each other but we are both working through the addiction at our own separate speeds.
I'm hopeful that the road to recovery is through love and support and despite my trust being shaken, I love my husband with all my heart so will work with him. We also have lots of supportive friends and family too who we are open and honest with. Telling our nearest and dearest the truth about P's addiction has only shown him how much people love him because nobody holds it against him or treats him cruelly because of it, so maybe your partner needs to be more open with his friends too? A good friend will show understanding, anyone who doesn't isn't worth being friends with.
Remember that you cant give from an empty cup, so look after yourself xxx
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