My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers — over 20 years. Only recently have I truly faced how deeply unbalanced our relationship has become.
He’s always been financially irresponsible, but in the last few years it spiraled. He secretly built up thousands in gambling debt (mainly on video games like FIFA), lied about his income, and contributed very little financially while I covered everything — bills, food, the children, the home.
Last year, I discovered he’d racked up £8,000 in hidden debt. He confessed and I kicked him out, but eventually let him back for the kids' sake. We’ve been “co-existing” since, but we’re not intimate — emotionally or physically. I control the money now because he can’t be trusted, and it feels like I have another child to manage, not a partner.
He’s in recovery now and expects praise for doing the basics: cleaning, school runs, going to GA. But it all feels performative. When I’m struggling, he makes it about himself — always unwell, always needing attention. Even small moments become flashpoints, like on Father’s Day when I sang along to a song and he snapped, then made me the problem.
There’s also the issue of P**n. It’s not just watching — he pays for it, and I can’t stop thinking about what that might involve. I feel sick knowing it’s likely happened in the same house, just feet away from our kids.
I haven’t told my family. I feel ashamed — not just about what he’s done, but that I’m still here, trying to help him through it. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t hate him. I still see glimpses of my best friend. But I feel like he’s stolen my 30s and left me to carry the weight of everything — emotionally, financially, mentally.
Does anyone else relate? Have you stayed longer than you thought you would? I feel like I’m drowning in resentment and duty and I don’t know what to do next. I just needed to say this out loud.
Speaking as someone who was in a relationship similar to yours but as a man I would reference the comment "you only have one life". You feel as though he has stolen your 30's, what you are now doing is allowing him to steal your 40's, 50's and so on until there is nothing left.
Do not stay together for the sake of the children, if he is a decent father the impact on them will be minimal if at all. I split from my partner when the children were young, we maintained contact through hard work and sacrifice and I could not be closer to them if I tried. In fact my relationship with my ex partner is better than it ever was as the relationship pressure has now gone.
You say that he contributes little to the financial costs, so it cannot be money that is keeping you together. If you are content you can manage financially, and that the children will come to terms with a break up, then consider your options carefully.
Don't waste your life - you don't get a rerun.
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