My husband confirmed he was a gambling addict last year when I discovered our hous was to be repossessed, and in the initial fall out of hurt and betrayal i went into my fix it mode. I asked for all his pay to go to my account i contacted the bank and stopped the possession order with the help of my family. I asked for evidence of all the other debt, i contacted the gas compay and made an arrangement. I made a budget and try to stick to it. We had money for christmas, he seemed positive. But now as i deal with my response to the betrayal i want mnore from him in terms of partnership and we have recently separated he tells me taking it all off him was not what i should have done, i should have been more supportive of him and his emotions. I want to help but feel that the constant lies and his extreme moods whilst he was gambling had an unknown affect on our relationship and he thinks all I see is the gambling but thats money it is a big debt but not unfixable, but the lies and the constant telling me I am too controlling is making me doubt what I did. I later offered him an allowance but he declined. I don't know what to do. I want to fix it. Any advice welcomeÂ
I had to read this one twice! Â He is basically playing the victim game, he almost makes you homeless, lies to you and then passes the blame to you. Â The fact is he woukd never have sorted it, but by playing this card he can convince himself that it is not all his fault.
You did nothing wrong, you sorted out a problem which would not have gone away. Â He lacked the willpower to sort and now just needs a scapegoat to pass his guilt off on to
Hello, wanted to jump in here as there are SO many similarities to my situation! I’ve had the ‘all you see is the gambling’ line many-a time. I assume he is also holding resentment for your family as they helped out financially? Classic.Â
Keep a steady head my love. You did something very natural and your reaction was ultimately a responsible and adult one. Now time has passed, and the house is safe for the time being, you have an opportunity to think about what you want to do now. It’s a hard balance as I hear you don’t want to enable but you don’t want to mess yourself up and leave yourself homeless. If you can, speak to someone with legal knowledge. I’m not saying for a divorce but to understand how you can pull away from fixing the finances whilst also keeping yourself safe. Just as addicts can change at any time, so can affected others. Don’t worry about what has been, focus on the future. Xx
Hi Tiber42
i think you did a miraculous job whilst learning you husband has basically gambled your home. What did he want to do?
Don’t take the blame for keeping your house. He needs to take responsibility for what he did. Is he having counselling or attending meetings? If he’s hoping he’ll get fixed by you and ignoring his actions he is probably mistaken.
you can’t fix him or his problems. He has to deal with the consequences.
You can control the marital money to make sure bills and mortgage are paid.
sometimes bailing a gambler out doesn’t solve the issue that he has. It just relinquishes their responsibility. It also takes away their ability to sort the problem. (Not that they can solve the debt).Â
You have done everything in your power to help. You can’t fix be emotionally supportive but if he’s not seeking help nothing will change.
@al9vnsqk4m thank you, yes my family is definitely the enemy. The truth is he thinks they are part of our problem my priorities are children my family work then him. Thankbyou for validation I needed it.
@merry-go-round so the counselling was through Gamstop and weekly phone check ins. Which stopped about 2 months later, he hasn't gambled he knows what to say but I don't think he accepted accountability. I want couples counselling which pushed the separation as it became an ultimatum. But now he finds excuses, to expensive only on specfic day only in a specific location. I am seeing a councillor which is helping.
If I could give you a penny for every time I’ve heard ‘you care about your family, friends, work then me’ …
im not sure where you are based but try checking out the nhs gambling clinic they could help him and in some areas they do couples counselling as part of the programme …Â
id encourage you to check out GamFam also xxÂ
To be brutal, I would cut and run, it takes a particular level of addiction to get to the stage where you put our wife and children at the risk of being homeless and on the streets.  if he thinks there is any defense at all he can offer then he is delusional.
In my opinion, he is not going to change, an individual with that level of addiction should be in counselling and gamblers anonymous, the fact that he has given it up after 2 months just goes to show his level of committment to recovery and level of committment to regaining any trust he can get from you.
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