i dont know where to turn

Hi Debbi,

First, I'm sorry you have to go through all this stress. If your boyfriend refuses to get help, unfortunately there's not a lot you can do other than to focus on yourself and your son, and what's going to be best for the both of you. Protecting your finances would be a first step, as it sounds like your boyfriend is quickly depleting your resources. Beyond that, you'll have to decide what kind of a relationship you want to be in, and how much you can tolerate. It's certainly not fair for someone else to impose so much chaos into your life, and only you can set boundaries with that. I'm sure other forum members would agree that focusing on your own needs and those of your son has to be your priority at this point.

If you'd like to chat with us about any of this, we'd be happy to give you some support. We're available on the Helpline (0808 8020 133) and the Netline seven days a week from 8am to midnight.

Thanks for your post, and I hope this helps.

Travis

thank you for your advice. I am away at the moment and we are having "talks" via text!! he is not grasping what i am saying to him. saying he will try and that's the best he can do. refuses to see someone or try and mend our relationship. expects bills to not be paid in case he hasn't got enough to bet with. everytime i say i think we would be better off apart he tries to emotionally blackmail me into staying, i physically,mentally and emotionally cant do this anymore. someone please tell me what i need to do. and how do i do it

so now i have found out he has pawned our sons computer and his I Phone for money to gamble. that as well as 120 he was given for some work. so in total about 500. do i leave him? i really don't know what to do anymore. 'im on the edge, waiting for a phone call from him begging me for money.

Its not a suprise Debbi

A compulsive gambler is a very ill person when in action.

If I want to stop gambling there is hope but if I still want to gamble gambling comes first

Tri

Hi Debbi,

I'm really sorry to hear about the level of stress and chaos that your partner is creating for both yourself and your son. Well done for taking the step to write down and share a chunk of what you are going through, I know that it cannot be easy to have to reach out for help in this way but it shows that you are truly trying to find a way to not have to endure this any further and despite everything have found the strength to do so. That is really brave of you and I (as I am sure everyone else does) commend you for opening up and seeking help.

You've asked whether you should leave your partner. That is not a question that anybody other yourself has a right to directly answer. I am not going to try and directly influence things either way but instead see if we can explore all of this a little in the hope that it helps to separate things enough for you to find some answers for yourself.

Firstly, your partner sounds very ill indeed. Compulsive and addicted gambling is a horrible thing and will eventually turn the most caring, level-headed and selfless person into a constantly lying, manipulating and self-absorbed zombie with next to no regard for responsibility, either for themselves or others. It is (as with any other addiction) essentially a mental health problem and like any other addiction it will not begin to get better until the person openly admits that they want it to and even then it takes a lot of hard work, resolve and self motivation.

With all of the support in the world this disease cannot be managed unless the individual (in this case your partner) wants to put in the lion share of hard work. I say 'managed' rather than 'cured' as there is no cure. Once this world has been entered there is no way to become a 'responsible gambler' again (if such a thing exists) so it is a life-long case of management and learning to use a spectrum of different 'tools' to stay gamble free.

I cannot comment too much on your partner’s individual circumstances as it is not him sharing and seeking help and I don't know anything about him other than that which you have shared. However, I can say that when gambling to this extent and pushing every self-destruct button possible that it NOT about winning money. There is an underlying cause, or several causes for this behaviour and only your partner knows what they are and only your partner can choose to confront them or not. From what you have said it doesn't sound very convincing that he is anywhere near being able to at the moment which means that his behaviour is currently very unlikely to change for the better.

Now that we have looked a little into your partner’s situation we need to more importantly look at that of yourself and your young son.

I cannot imagine the level of constant hurt and stress that you must be going through right now. To be here asking the questions that you are indicates that you just cannot continue to be put under the pressures that you’re facing. This is not a weakness and in no way reflects on you, the strength that you’ve had to use to keep yourself as together as you have managed can only be finite and you must feel exhausted. You’ve admitted that the situation is not only taking away your financial stability but also heavily affecting your health and wellbeing. Regardless to being in a relationship or not this is not something that you should have to endure and regardless as to what you decide to do, being able to maintain your own safety in all regards has to now become paramount. I am sure that you really want to support your partner and see him get better but whether you decide to do so or not, this cannot happen whilst you are being dragged down.

I cannot comment on your son in any depth as it doesn’t feel right to. But as a good parent you are currently doing everything that you can to shield your son from the effects of your partners behaviour (both financially and emotionally) whilst your partner seems to be making that as increasingly difficult as possible. You will have a good idea as to whether you can keep your son as protected as you would like if this continues being the case.

I apologise if any of that was emotionally difficult to read and I am sure there is a lot more to things than the overview I have given. I am not judging you in any of this and as I’ve said I cannot imagine how tough it must feel like right now to walk a mile in your shoes.

Regardless as to what your next actions are in terms of the relationship I think it might be important to see if there are any practical things that can be looked at that may give you a bit of breathing space to allow yourself to start to come to terms with things and more importantly heal yourself a little.

You have said that you cannot tell friends or family because they will be quick to judge. When you say that do you mean judge you or your partner? (or maybe both). I think it’s really important that you get yourself some emotional support Debbi, after everything you’ve gone through you deserve it.

I do understand that opening up about this to people we know is incredibly hard. It is embarrassing and before doing so we project what we see as our own failings onto others and think that they will see us the same way that we have begun to see ourselves. That is not usually the case though. Those who care for us see the good in us and are often able to provide ‘a soft place to land’ when we feel we are falling. I can’t say that everyone will be non-judgemental and there may be things said by some that you feel are unhelpful but if you find at least that one person who you trust to just be there for your needs rather than their own who can keep things in confidence and just simply offer you reassurance then you will start to feel a lot less alone.

If you are still not sure about opening up to someone you know directly would you consider using a counselling service to externalise some of the feelings that must be overwhelming you? Gamcare offer both online and telephone services and your G.P. might also be a good place to go as they can refer you to someone locally who will be able to listen. This will all be totally confidential and may help you further in exploring things, coming to terms with the situation and ultimately making decisions on where you would like to go from here.

You’ve also said that your partner is pressuring you to withold money from creditors (bills etc) so that he can have funds to gamble with and is also asking you for money once he has run out. Is there any way you can face removing the joint financial responsibility for certain things to ensure that he is no longer able to affect your financial future with his current actions? Whatever you decide regarding the relationship it seems that you cannot trust your partner to put anything before his need to have funds to gamble (as illustrated by pawning your sons possessions) so I think it’s pretty important to at least separate yourself financially from your partner as possible, at least for the time being. I appreciate that this may feel like an emotionally hard thing to do and that it will probably bring about a negative reaction from your partner (remember that gamblers are very good at manipulating and lying) but for your own peace of mind and security perhaps this is something that you can seriously consider. Again, Gamcare counsellors can help with this as can The National Debt Helpline and Citizens Advice.

I know that whatever you choose to do is not going to be an easy decision and that it seems like it’s ‘lose/lose’ situation at the moment. I am sorry for that. Please consider getting yourself (and son) some rest-bite from things as they are, hopefully you’ll feel more confident in what to do for the future after doing so. I know that you dearly love your partner (though probably despise him right now) as you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t but for the moment it is yourself that you need to take care of.

Keep posting and talking if it helps. There is always someone listening.

All the very best.

Ian.

Saturday night he was arrested. He told me it was the worst 15 hours of his life. He did alot of thinking while he was in that cell. He made the very brave step this morning and rang gamcare who have referred him to a counciller. I am hoping this is finally the time for changw. Ive told him he has my support 100%. I do truly believe he means it this time. I have never seen him so upset before. I will keep you all posted on our journey to getting him better. Thank you all so much for your help and advice

so its not even a week later and he has already broken his promise to me. in 2 days he has spend almost 300. he keeps telling me i don't have any faith in him. what has faith got to do with it?? i am running out of patients and i don't know which way to turn for the best. if i speak to someone they will say "well why don't you take his bank card off him?" or "why don't you take control?". not as easy as that. if you have never lived with a CG then you don't know. we have no money now again and we only got paid yesterday. the last 5 days have been wonderful coz he hasn't been near that god awful place. i knew when today came it would be hard but now i genuinely believe he only rang gamcare to make me feel better and not to help himself. he obviously didn't mean anything he said. he said he can only do it if he can have a limited amount to bet with, well that hasn't worked has it. the only money he hasn't spent is our rent money all the other money has gone. so i cant pay 1 bill this month so will have to pay double next month which will leave us short and so its a knock on affect. no one will lend us because of his track record and to be honest i don't wanna borrow as is more debt but no there are bills piling up.