Ok, so I'm not sure really how this works or where to even begin. I never imagined I would be here, on a Sunday afternoon typing this. But then again, I guess no one does.
I have been with my Partner P now for 14 years. We have 3 kids together, and I have 3 before I met him. P has always had a drink problem, and for years I fought to make things better. Which now I look back was just stupid, cause why was I fighting for it? But fight I did. And for a while things got better. He still drank but it wasn't as bad as before, I could live with it. Then we moved. He wanted to move to be closer to his family who were 70 miles away. I had always lived in the same town I was born in. But we moved for a fresh start. Ironic really considering we now see less of his family than we did before we moved. When we moved, he reconnected with old friends, and started going out more. The drinking picked up and we fought. but eventually things evened out again.
I should point out that P is not a bad person, I know I'm not painting him in a very good light right now. But with the exceptions of his drinking, and now his gambling (which ill explain in a moment) our relationship is perfect. We have been through some pretty awful things over the years that many might not survive together. We have, or had, the kind of relationship where after 14 years I still felt butterflies, I still felt like the most attractive woman in the world to him and knew he only had eyes for me. He would tell everyone about what I was doing at work, he was always so proud of me. He would reach out to touch me still during the night when he ws asleep, and text me 30 mins after getting to work, and on his breaks. He supported me in everything I ever wanted to do. If I wanted to change jobs, which I did, he supported it. He sent me on girls holidays so I would have adult times, he was a hands on dad too and was at every play, parents evening or anything important.
and then last year it all changed.
He started working in a pub as a chef 3 years ago. His drinking progressively increased. He likes to have a few pints after he finishes, cause he likes socialising with everyone. But more often he would come home at midnight if not later, then go on benders at the weekend. In September 2021, I found out that his occasional gambling had also increased. He likes to gamble online, sky sports and that. It turned out he had been using rent money to pay for it. He had spend half our rent money and put us into debt. At first he was angry that I questioned him, telling me what he does with his wages was non of my business. But he became remorseful and promised to stop. and it did for a while. What used to be OUR money was now suddenly his. He became secretive and always had money on him, and drinking more. We stopped being a family, a couple. I became a single parent. Our relationship is now no more than a casual hookup, the kids barely speak to him now too. I became more suspicious last week when I found out he had more money on him, and then the landlord got in touch. Apparently he only paid half of Decembers rent, and non of this month. over £2000 in debt. A debt I can't afford. Thankfully I have a great landlord who has been really kind and wants to help, though he was shocked I didn't know. My dad agreed to bail me out of most of the debt too which is great but I feel embarrassed and humiliated. When I checked his bank account I found out that he's using an app, that allows him to withdraw money from his wages in advance. he had spent £600 in only a couple weeks!
I confronted him, he was angry I found out, then said he was embarrassed and he was trying ti fix it. promised he would stop etc etc etc..you get the idea. Only thing is, he doesn't want to stop. He has kept on taking money from his wages almost daily...£140 since then. and cause its all online, I can't stop him. he doesn't think he has a problem, he makes excuse. But the fact is, he enjoys his single life and freedom to do what he wants, more than having a family. But he wants his family when he feels the need to be loved. He is literally living up his life, enjoying himself at his families expense. And I can't pay this months rent because of it. My eldest 2 kids, who are 20 and 18 hate him now. Ive outed him to his best friend who has offered to have him crash at his house for a few days so I can have some space, and whilst he tries talking to him and try see if he can get him to agree to seeing a specialist, though im not particularly confident. He would rather say yes to moving out, than chan he his lifestyle.
So, im stuck. I feel like I was trying to swim through mud with a backpack of bricks and I cannot breathe. I can barely sleep anymore, maybe 2 hours a night, I have no appetite. I go from anger to crying. I just want to breathe again I just want it to stop. I have 6 kids, one is autistic. I can't do this, why aren't we enough.
Desperate, Lonely, suffocating and so very very tired.
Dear @loosingmymind,
Thank you for sharing your story on the forum, I hope you will receive some advice and support from others that you will find helpful.
I'm so sorry to hear what has been going on with your husband and the impact it has had on you and your family. It can be really challenging when someone isn't in a place to accept that their gambling is a problem.
It also sounds like it's had a big impact on your mental well-being and it is important that you take some time to look after yourself and make sure you have the support in place that you need. I wonder if perhaps you would be able to speak to your GP about struggling to sleep and eat?
Please remember you are never alone with this and have come to the right place for support, we are available 24 hours a day on our helpline on 0808 8020 133 or via our live chat. Do get in contact and one of our advisors can talk everything through and look at all of the support available to you.
Wishing you all the best and do keep sharing,
Kind regards,
Sophie C.
Forum Admin
Hi
Thank you very much for your honest share letting us know how vulnerable you and your family are.
The addictions only indicate that your partners is a very vulnerable person and is trying to escape is some very unhealthy ways.
There are meetings for the addicts but often people do not understand or are aware of allanon or Gamanon is help for the partners who are suffering in very lonely painful situations.
A healthy relationships is both partners work together in making a healthy home.
On arriving I could not share with my wife how vulnerable I was.
I did not understand that I had certain emotional triggers that made me want to escape in one addiction or another.
My wife know appreciate how vulnerable I was because I put on face a fascade to hide the pains I buried deep.
My wife could not stop me gambling, the truth was Gamblers anonymous could not stop me gamble that was going to be my own healthy choice.
I have been married over 50 years and on two occasions we have been parted for healthy reasons to give each space and time to get abetter perspective of what was healthy and acceptable.
I have been addicted to Gambling and drink and over time I do not need or want to escape in to those unhealthy habits.
The last thing I want to do is gamble or get drunk.
You are correct we are not evil or bad people, we have lost faith and confidence in our self, we feel that our addictions control our life.
It is correct that I lied and cheated in many ways, it did hurt me yet me trying to escape made me things I could make things better.
You are in no way responsible for your partners unhealthy habits.
The recovery program helped me understand that I needed to heal from the pains of my child hood.
Over a long time I got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and supressing my pains and trauma in my life.
When I walked in to the recovery program my emotional age and my physical age did not match up.
I like many people feared by honest to myself and to people around me.
By sharing my therapies my trust would grow as my fears reduced.
You both have a big responsibility with six children and are very welcome to share so much honesty in opening up your heart and your mind to us.
In time if your partner takes recovery and healing seriously he will have a healthier relationship with him self and then a healthier relationship with you.
Sadly you both need to heal your pains and find a healthier relationship in time.
Often addicts will make promises they are unable to keep that if he sticks with recovery will change as he gets healthier.
It is wise to hand over all the finances to a partner or some one he deeply trusts.
I understand that when I use to justify myself I was being unhealthy.
How much does he value himself, and how much effort is he willing to put in to his recovery.
It was not possible for me to take recovery seriously unless I got more honest with myself and was willing to be more committed to my recovery.
One thing people can do is to go to the first meeting with their partner than leave room when they talk.
It certainly helps if you are able to go to meetings to help you heal also.
That is very powerful and very mature, thank you for your sharing.
Love peace and best wishes.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK
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