I've been with my partner for several years, we live together and he's always gambled but in the past 6 months it's become serious and I feel completely lost.
A month ago I realised he had borrowed big sums of money from his friends and family and was in a lot of debt, he tried to cover it up and lied countless times to try and protect me from the situation he was in. But I found out he had also been using our rent money and money for bills to gamble and we were really falling behind. I wanted to help him so badly I paid off what I thought were all of the debts with my savings and told him he didn't need to worry about paying me back.. im only 22 and it was difficult to give up everything id saved but I thought I was doing the right thing and that it would save the situation and our relationship, I can now see I wasn't doing the right thing at all. He promised he would close his betting accounts and stop and I trusted him, but yesterday found out he has been using his credit card to continue gambling large sums and had been lying to me when he promised he hadn't bet a penny.
I talked to him about it and said I thought he needed to get help, which he had agreed to do. Im so relieved that he is open to the idea of getting help but im terrified of the journey ahead.. and still hurt that he lied about so much. I love him more than anything and want to support him but I don't know how, and im scared that our relationship won't ever be the same now.
I don't know the extent of his debts yet and im so scared to find out. I dint earn a lot of money and I don't know how we'll cope. I dont want to leave him and can't bear the thought of him going through this on his own, im worried about the future and how we'll manage.
Can anyone offer advice about what to do next and how to do it? I don't want to forgive him for lying to me which I've done so many times before, but I don't want to give him the cold shoulder and him feel like he's dong this on his own. He's a grown man but I feel like his mum ought to know, but I really don't know if I should tell her or leave him to it. I just want to help but I don't know how.
Hi s123, i know how you feel and the part I find the hardest is the lying.
I think you should tell his mum, I've found with my partner the more people who are close to him know the better, as they can be there to support both you and him. Don't deal with this all on your own.
He's got to want to help himself, my boyfriend is the same he says he won't do it again and that he wants to stop but it happens again and I've been there too many times, still am. I'm the same I love him and want to help him but they have to want to get help. He's tried counselling and gamblers anonymous but only because I told him too, he didn't like because he's not ready to help himself, which is really difficult.
I too have recently found out that my partner has been gambling large amounts of money and I feel the same feelings and worries as most partners but I do think, whilst embarrassing, it is best for the gambler that their family knows and possibly friends who can support them. The more people who know, the more support the gambler can get and hopefully support for you. Also they can be another set of eyes and ears to watch out for the "signs" if the gambling starts up again. I have found the bank to be quite understanding and helpful too. Keep yourself protected and as hard as it is don't bail them out. There seems like a lot of support for partners of gamblers so tap into those resources.
Thank you for the advice. Im so sorry to heart youre going through the same things.
Sadly a few months has passed where I thought the gambling had stopped, but I found out over Christmas it's started again... I think worse than before, sometimes depositing £700 a day on gambling websites.
He really doesn't think he's got a problem with gamling at all and he's refusing to get help. He went to two GA meetings and said if anything it just proved to him that he wasn't like them and he doesn't need help.
I love him so much and I don't want to leave him but I really dint think I can keep doing this - if he won't get help I know it's just a waiting game until the next time he gambles. Like you've said, it's hard when he doesn't want any help.
I have decided to tell him mum as I'm running out of ideas but I know he'll hate me for doing it. I'm so upset because I think our relationship might be over but I'm also worried about what will happen to him.
I dint know what to do I feel so mixed up between wanting to be happy even if that means being on my own, and wanting to help him.
Hi s123 I understand how you feel I have recently found out my husband has been gambling large sums of money behind my back and is thousands in debt. He has now admitted he has a problem and we have made steps to seek help. I think your partner needs to realise he has a problem first, until he does I think it's unlikely he will stop gambling and be willingly to get help. I'm sorry to hear what you have been through. I think you need to protect yourself financially and don't pay off any more of his debt. I think you are within your rights to tell his mum she may be able to help. Only you know if you want to stay with him but until he admits he has a problem I don't think he will want any help to stop. I'm sorry! I hope you can find happiness in your decision xx
Hi s123, I know what you're going through. Have things progressed? My partner is going to the GA meetings and says the same, I'm not as bad as them but has finally admitted the problem. I'd ask him how he can't admit he's got a problem, when he's throwing away £700 a day! He's fooling himself. I would take a break from him to decide what you want, hopefully that will give him a wake up call and he will realise how much this has affected u. I think it's very important that u tell family and friends, I have told all my partners and mine! Please keep in touch to let us know how u are getting on xx
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
