My life is slowly falling apart and I don't know how to stop it!!
My husband has fallen off the wagon...again. To be honest I don't think he ever managed to stop, he will have a splurge, go through the motions of self hate, regret and promises, cool off for a week or so sometimes even a month and then be at it again. The money doesn't bother me too much, I mean it isn't ideal but one way or another we will find a way to get through ill always make sure of that but its the lies, the depict and his health that worries me more. He is already on antidepressants but the hatred he has for himself after a gamble is heart-breaking. He pushes me away as he says I deserve more and that's the worst part of it, yes I don't deserve the lies or the constant worry but he is the most amazing person I know when he isn't letting this addiction get the better of him. He deserves more, he deserves to be rid of this demon!
We recently went to see a mortgage advisor to buy our first home but were told that due to transactions on the account we would be eligible for some time, this seemed to give him the shock that he needed and for a few months he has been better, or at least I thought!! Turns out that now instead of online gambling he has turned to withdrawing the money and going into the bookies, a type of gambling that he hasn't done in the whole 5 years we have been together or really since his addiction started. Unfortunately there is nothing I can do to stop him doing this, unless I take away his bank card etc. but I always feel this isn't the answer, ultimately if he wants to gamble he will find a way whatever measures we have put in place.
He has also been using an app on his phone that allows you to charge your bets to your phone bill, this was a way around the block that is currently on his phone stopping him from visiting gambling websites. Is there another blocking system that also stops apps from being downloaded??
He tells me he wants to stop, he begs for serious help but we cant afford rehab and the counselling sessions he has had haven't seemed to help or don't seem to be enough! I know this has to come from him, I know he has to make the right decisions and choices and want to stop once and for all and really all I can do is be there to support him however best I can in whatever way I can but I guess what im asking is does anyone have any advise, word or wisdom or recommendations on where we go from here? We are young we have so much to look forward to but this is just a dark cloud lingering over us and I just want him to see the light, believe that he is a good person, he does deserve to be happy and that he can and will beat this addiction!!
Hi Betty
An amazing person wouldn't keep lying, cheating and deceiving you. If he wanted to stop there are things he could do which would eliminate his access to gambling with virtually immediate effect but he hasn't done or suggested doing any of them in fact he's actively sought out ways to continue gambling. There is free counselling from Gamcare and GA meetings are very, very low cost so it's not the case that expert help is too expensive to access.
If he doesn't want to stop he won't. You can't save him. You can't fix him. You can however decide where your lines in the sand are and stick to them. Get RL help and support from friends, family and outside organisations such as GamAnon. Read up on where an unaddressed addiction can and regularly does lead and then think hard about what you want and deserve from a life partner. Put yourself first. All the time he's gambling you're the only who will.
Thank you for your response! I don't want to fix him or save him I want to help him, any addiction isn't easy and surely guidance from ones you love can offer that support you need. Yes it has to come from him and he has to want to quit and yes wrong decisions have been made but that doesn't mean he isn't an amazing person behind the addiction that has taken control of him! Surely you have to have faith and hope In people you love, if we all gave up on each other so easily we would all live a life of dispair. Of course I have limits and I too need support but right now my focus is supporting him helping him choose the right path and hence why I have come here to hear others stories and ways to success.
Hi Bettyboo, welcome back to the forum 🙂
I know you probably don't want to hear it but I agree with everything Lethe has just posted. I know you are desperate to help but by putting yourself 1st you will be. There is GA literature that alludes to the fact 'we' don't like it when our partners get to GamAnon & the reality of that is probably because it becomes harder to deceive them. Getting real life support @ meetings is the best way to look after you both the best.
Addiction doesn't care if it's online gambling, poking money into a machine or scratch scratch scratching @ silver foil, when we cut out one form, our brain tells us to keep going. I've been there. Unchecked, one addiction can quite easily be traded for an entirely new one which is why he is in the bookies now.
I understand why you don't want to handle the finances but I needed to be treated like a child. No gambler should have unchecked access to money & if they have to, it should be capped for damage limitation. I cried every night for years, meant every word I said to myself about stopping but the very next chance I got to gamble I did it all over again until I told someone & we put blocks in place so I couldn't do it without consequences anymore! Every bone in my body screamed that I didn't want to be treated like a child but 3 decades of listening to my brain telling me I didn't have a problem was proof indeed that I needed to be. Understanding the addiction is the best thing you can do to be able to offer relevant support to your husband. We can't do it alone & you need to be able to trust him else what's in the marriage for you? We leave a nominal sum @ our GA meetings, for some, it is pennies but what can be gotten out of it is priceless, if we are willing to commit to arresting our addiction. The addict's mind does not condone GA but as a loved one, you may find it's something you insist on as you sound out of options.
Dont undestimate the importance of looking after you - ODAAT
Hi again
Echo what ODAAT has said. She's been right where your husband is and has given a valuable insight into how the addicted brain works to justify keeping on. Sadly you can't help him choose the right path. He has to do that himself. If he's serious when he says he wants help there are a whole raft of things he can do which can eliminate his access to gambling and cash virtually immediately starting with handing all aspects of his finances including ongoing access to the credit reports from all three agencies to you. Faith and hope are nice ideals but it's not advisable to take an active addict's word on anything without seeing hard proof all is as they say. They are experts at manipulation and more than capable of looking you (us) in the eye and lying. If he's serious about recovery he will understand that the lack of trust is a result of his own actions and accept it's one of the consequences of the way he's behaved. Mr L can look at the bank accounts any time he asks but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again. It's necessary to separate love and trust but it's entirely possible to have one without the other.
Hi Bettyboo. I'm the mum of a compulsive gambler my son is nearly 22. I understand all too well how badly you want to help and support your husband but until he wants recovery for himself what you want won't make any difference. What Lethe said is completely true, I know it's not what you want to hear but it's the reality of compulsive gambling. I don't doubt your husband is an amazing man my son is a lovely young man with out this addiction. Everyone on the f&f side of the forum have been trying to help and support our loved one for a long time, frequently for many years not one of us gives up "easily". Our son doesn't live with us anymore and we don't have any contact or know where he is. It was our choice but after 6 years we were at breaking point and had tried everything possible to help and support but nothing worked. It was the hardest thing we've ever had to do and I'm sorry but I don't like it implied that I or anyone else in this forum gives up " so easily". Recovery is possible but it all comes down to your husband, and when he's ready to do all necessary things he needs to do you can give him that help and support. However a cg in denial is an entirely different thing and it's the behaviours that go with it that you need to protect yourself from.
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