Hello,
I am new to this world, but I shouldn't be consider its the third time my husband has gambled mouth watering amounts.
As I'd image all of you feel.... I never thought I would be a gamblers wife. Someone who has to give my husband 'an allowance' every week and has to show me receipts of what he has spent his disposable income on.
My husband is literally the love of my life, we were together when we were in our early twenties and I fell over heals with him and he finished with me for another girl. I met my previous partner and had a baby (who is now 8 years old) which didn't work out.
When I was single again my husband was sniffing about and at first I was not having any of it but then realised he had grown up and was the most amazing person I had met and he loved my son as if he was his own.
At this point he had advised me that he was in debt due to various issues such as watching football away and gambling. At this point I thought it was social gambling as I knew he liked the races.
However, I had really restricted my self to save up over £55,000 to get a deposit for a house. Well I was planning on upgrading my banger car and have a bit of luxury by having a newer car. It was then when my husband came clean that he had a gambling problem and that he had spent £28500 on gambling.
At this point we were just about to complete on our house and his parents had explained that they were going to give us £30,000 towards our house. So this was obviously used to pay off his debts. At this point he went to GA and played down an addiction and explained that before he dint have anyone to think about and now he's got me, the little one and a house he wouldn't dare to it again.
From this, everything seemed perfect and early last year we got engaged with the intent to get married in 2020. However, my dad was given 6 months to live and we got married in November 2018. My husband at the time had been gambling the whole of 2018 and was £50,000 in debt. He still married me not telling me of the trouble that he was in.
for most of 2018, he was gambling, hiding debt, telling me he was going to see mates but was spending hours in the bookies. He would rush home before me to get the post so I wouldn't notice. He also convinced me to try for a baby with him, luckily we had not caught.
when it came to the point that he couldn't lend any more he arranged a DMP with step change. This was again all behind my back. He has arranged that he is going to pay back £850 a month for 3 years.
I found out by opening an unpaid bill letter and he then finally came clean. He promised that the debt to the creditors was all that it was. However when I started going through his bank statements I found he had lent £20,000 from his friends also.
He didn't know that I had been through his bank statements and I asked him outright and he lied to my face, swearing on my son's life. But then he finally came clean.
It has been about six weeks since I found out, I have been to a GA meeting with him and he has gone every week since. He has explained that he really wants to change this time and he wants to prove to me he can do it. When it was his turn for the therapy session it turns out he has always been a compulsive gambler since he was about 17.
I am at a point now where I literally do not know what to do. My uncle was a compulsive gambler who literally bankrupted my auntie and their family. Everyone is aware of his problem and my auntie is in her 60's and got nothing to show for her life. They have split up as she just couldn't take any more. My uncle is now on benefits and is constantly borrowing money to bet. This is all I could think about when my husband told me about his problem.
I love my husband but I am not sure I want to live a life where I am constantly looking after his finances. I know it sounds selfish and silly but I know he will never be able to surprise me with anything because I will always be questing what he using the money for.
I have kicked him out at the moment as he is still lying about the mess that he is getting himself in. He hid a parking fine from me as he dint want to seem like another failure and lent money from him mate (he doesn't have a pot to wee in). This really annoyed me as it seemed to me like he is still hiding things from me. I am not a horrible person and I have been nothing nut supportive to him the last couple of weeks acknowledging that he has an illness but I feel as if I am doing it on my own.
I have asked for a couple of weeks to get my head straight and realise what I want whilst trying to juggle a full time job, the school run and a terminally ill father.
I don't expect anyone to tell me what to do, I just wanted to see if anyone related and could give me some advise on how to handle this as at the moment I cannot ever image forgiving him.
Hello WKDN,
I am no expert at gambling addiction or giving advice I am afraid. I can however speak as a gambler and person with a gambling addiction.
Sadly for me my addiction was on slot machines. Watching reel after reel spin, kinda like a zombie in the end chasing the feature. Stupid really as I knew I’d never win massive or even beat the system but I threw masses into these machines.
I found that when I was down, annoyed at my job, annoyed at my family life it became my Sanctuary and I could escape. I guess much like a drug addict needing to have their fix or next high. At the point of the gambling I didn’t think about anyone other than myself and the machine. I always seemed to leave more often than not more annoyed with the world than when I started.
The day I decided to give up I sat and contemplated what I could lose. I read numerous stories on here which brought home the stark realisation that it just got real. To me what I could lose was way more than what I could win on a fruit machine or betting system. I decided to put numerous stops in place and move my life forward.
When I approached my family and girlfriend about the gambling I felt stupid, embarrassed, lost and ashamed that this addiction consumed me, my time and money. I couldn’t go back and get the money back but I could change how my world became.
I opted for gamble free and set some goals.
I don’t have any answers of what you should do other than you need to do what is right for you and your son.
Thanks for sharing your story and I am sorry that you are suffering in so many ways. 🙁
CJ.
Hi WKDN.
A CG is a compulsive liar and cheat who will sell his soul for the next bet.People have different opinions of what rock bottom is i believe its when a CG is desperate to stop and accepts the realisation that theyre never gonna get back what theyve lost. Im not convinced your partner has yet reached that point. Priority no 1 protect yourself your family and keep a roof over your heads because if this responsibility is placed in the hands of a CG there simply isnt a happy ending. Try to think of a CG as a heroine addict wholl tell people what they want to hear in order to get their next fix. Contact Gamanon urgently & get as much advice from the partners of CGs as possible.
Wish You Well
AL
Hi WKDN the thing I always see here is that most family and friends think it's solely the gambler's problem. It's up to them to sort it out. The last person they look at is themselves. I have chosen a person who is not 100% connected to me. A person who is secretive about money, keeps me separate. It's only when everything starts unraveling that we see these strange behaviours that we have chosen to accept. You talk about your uncle and aunt. Did your aunt ever get help? Did she go to a gamanon meeting? Did she continually put up with his bad behaviour? Waiting for him to stop. The only person you can change or help is yourself. From experience waiting for a gambler to share and stop is idealistic. It's not going to happen. They are in panic mode, they don't know how to stop, they only know how to continue. He can sort all his debts himself , he can go to GA every week, he can put blocks in place, hand over finances, join gamstop. He can show you he wants to stop. You can get help and support from a gamanon meeting. Protect yourself, secure your finances. Your priorities are yourself and your son, spend time with your dad. This is a stressful time for you. Call gamcare if you want to talk and they can offer free counselling.
If your aunt is who you don’t want to be, then take her experience as a warning to do things differently yourself. As MGR says, it takes two to have a relationship and if one is an addict, the relationship is dysfunctional. No suggestion that you make him gamble, he does that all by himself, but do you tolerate behaviour that is objectively bad? Pay for more than your fair share? Forgive more than you should, when there has been no change in behaviour - actions always speak louder than words. Expect less of him but too much of yourself? Is he there for you when you need his help? Are you able to set boundaries, to know what you will or won’t allow, tolerate or participate in? There’s a difference between supporting someone, standing by them in bad times and allowing yourself to be walked over and abused time and time again. It’s about balance, knowing when it’s time to step back so that your toes don’t get trampled upon.
Your husband finished with you for another girl and then you ended up back together passionately in love? Is that really a romantic love story or is there an element of rose tinted glasses? He didn’t treat you well first time round, what’s changed this time?
CGs don’t need constant forgiveness and cash during the remorse felt the morning after the binge before. They need meetings and the Steps and tools of GA, your support and encouragement for him is best directed there.
Move your focus to you and your needs. Go to GamAnon to strengthen yourself and take the support that you need to cope with your father’s illness. Your life is about you.
CW
Unfortunately your husband is still continuing to lie and deceive you. Plus he has been found out by you... is this the life that you want for you and your son?? He has been bailed out before and as you can see it is the worst thing that can happen to a CG. He was able to start gambling again with a clean slate. In your shoes, I would be very concerned about my financial situation. Seek legal advice especially about equity in the house. It seems that you paid a substantial amount in savings towards it... what did he contribute? Make sure you change any cards that you have that he may have had access to. A CG in gambling la la land is totally dysfunctional and is capable of causing even more damage unless you protect yourself. I left the CG I was with and it was the best decision I ever made. I know my circumstances are totally different to yours... but it’s your life at the end of the day and it should be as happy as possible without the drama of someone who will drag you down even further. It’s up to him to seek the help he needs and it sounds like he is only going through the motions because he has been found out... again! Concentrate on you and your son and taking care of your Dad. I wish you the very best.
Thank you for the advice. Luckily I had arranged for him to sign a document confirming the money put into the house was mine before we completed. He is a good person, the best person there is just this other side to him (the gambler) who is really not the person I know.
His family keeping saying to me how proud they are of him coming clean and admitting he has a problem. Which I understand but cannot get why no one else is angry that he has spent £50k on a roulette machine?!
When I go to GA they say that shouting and being angry doesn’t work but I don’t know how else to feel.
Hi WKDN. The best way to get through this is to find a gamanon meeting and learn how to deal with the situation. Shouting etc doesn't help you, never mind him. Yes of course you're angry, shocked, emotional, that's all natural. As ALN says gp is first stop if concerned about his mental health. GA advise handing over finances. You can go on to gamanon website if you can't get to a meeting , email and get some literature. I think the best way to look at things is a cg is ill, an addict. They have no 'off' switch. Yes his confession is good, most are found out, so that shows a cry for help. Emotional help is great, no bailouts. This is a long road to back to normal. Look after you and Dad. He will get help and support at GA.
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