New to all this

Hi, Sunflower,

I am comfortable and relaxed with my friends who know and they're a great support. But I can't face my friends who don't know and whom I'm not planning to tell. I avoid them because I absolutely can't put on a brave face. We haven't socialised at all since this blew up and I don't want to. All is not well and it irritates me to pretend otherwise.

Your feelings are understandable, it's still v new. If he really doesn't get what your problem is then spell it out to him, you don't need to be nice. If he's making you feel that you're being unreasonable, then I would put it down to gamblers' manipulation. I think we're entitled to as much time as it takes us to come to terms with it.

Hopefully GamAnon will help. Take care,

CW

Hi sunflower

Im sorry to hear you are feeling so low. It hasn't been long since all this happened to your family. It's gonna take time. It's a horrible process that just has to be worked through. I still get sick of playing happy families and I was gob smacked at how easily my husband could keep up appearances with such ease. Try to keep busy and get as much support as you can. You can always have a good rant on here. Hope you feel better soon.

I do remember a time where I was either silently doing little things I liked doing on my own, or exploding in a tearful rage, there was no middle ground. Mr P s recovery went so much more quickly than mine did too. It was always going to, he knew he wasn't gambling, he knew he was getting a grip, of course he felt more positive. From my point of view everything was still lies and manipulation, I doubted everything I thought to the point where I couldn't do anything and frankly after fighting fires for so long, I was exhausted, I needed weeks of quiet before I could even look at him. My meetings were the only place I could speak, but I probably would have spoken more if I had known about this forum then. I had the bedroom to myself for weeks, just needed the space and the quiet for me to recover. He had his ga meetings for support and I think they suggested to him not to put any more pressure on me.

Take your time, keep talking

Hi Sunflower

I go to my GA meetings because they understand how I feel. They have all done similar things, experienced the emotional highs and lows. The support and the occasional kick up the backside keeps me on the straight and narrow. 🙂

Gamanon is very similar but it's members are families of the gambler. Just like the ladies here that have been giving you their advice and encouragement. They are all in a similar position to you. They need help, advice and empathy. They may be strangers the first time you walk in the door, but you will find that they understand the emotional rollercoaster you are on very well. They too were in your position, the doubts, the fears etc.

We are from opposite 'sides of the fence'. Try as I might, I will never truly know the full extent of the damage my gambling caused my family because I never experienced it.. Try as you might, you will never truly understand your husband's gambling. That is the reason we have both GA and Gamanon.

The support and comfort that my family get from Gamanon has been amazing. I am sure that you will also feel the same after your meetings as well.

Best wishes

It really helps to know that these feelings are "normal" & that I'm not going mad! You're so right Pangolin, of course he's feeling more positive because every day without gambling for him is an achievement yet for me it's another day of struggling to come to terms with our situation & the damage he's done to our marriage. I didn't look at it Like that before. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself & I need to let my emotions run their course. If he doesn't like the way I am it's tough, I'm trying my best but he's caused the damage so he's going to have to accept the consequences. Thanks everyone for your wise words & support xxx

Don't forget either that not only has he has spent years putting on a show (most of us are very good @ doing so) but he has also had all of this time to get used to his 'illness'! You are an unsuspecting party & instead of him supporting & loving you to help you through the damage he has caused, he is the one getting the help!

You have to be kind to you first & foremost & if that means yelling & screaming & crying until there are no tears left then that is what you must do! Whether this is in front of him @ the moment or not, only you can decide but please do what feels right for you!

You don't need a kick up the b*m, you need a nice cup of Tea! You are doing great, don't ever think otherwise! Time to look after you now - ODAAT

Yep, you're being too hard on yourself. this is too big to sweep under the carpet, as you say you need to go through the emotions that come and take the comfort and advice that is offered to you, make it as easy on yourself as you can, you have been through enough.

i realised Mr P didn't he really know me, in his stupid gamblers head he thought I was one thing, that believed him, would always be there for him, solve every problem and love him "for what he was". As he went into recovery, in hindsight, it was incredibly important that I was definitely, honestly me at that point, hurt and damaged as I was, he needed to see it and hear it, then he started to take stock of what he had created and the remorse came.

it takes time, you need time, he needs to realise he has to do more than keep his wallet in his pocket, so it is more beneficial to your future if you are honest about your feelings too, he's a big boy now, he doesn't need protecting.

Sorry to hijack but I have a huge problem with forgiveness, I might have mentioned it before...once or twice...The gambling wasn't exactly accidental or a moment's human error, he's systematically lied for most of our twenty year marriage. And there's still regret but not remorse or any sort of realisation of the effect on us. Cynical's fine, I need to be but I don't want to turn into a bitter old woman, yet I can't seem to move forward on this at the moment.

Suggestions welcome. Thanks.

CW

Define forgiveness? Tough one isn't it. I love again, but I don't think I have forgiven, certainly haven't forgotten. I don't think its about forgiveness, , you have to actively live with the problem even when they are in recovery, so forgiveness for me is about events past, not continuing

Hy Cynical

For what it's worth, here is my 2 bobs worth.

Like Pangolin, I don't know whether forgiveness is ever truly going to occur. Could I forgive if the roles were reversed in my situation? I honestly don't know! However, I think that for a relationship to continue in any meaningful way, the partner of the gambler has to come to some level of acceptance of what has happened. Given time, if you can't come to terms with it, I think you would have to reevaluate your relationship.

Take Care

I can only speak from my experience of this. What we had to do was accept the relationship both my wife & i thought we had was dead, over, i killed it. It was pointless either of us romanticizing over what we thought we both once had, it was not real(on my part) as i had lied, begged , borrowed & stolen throughout our marriage. We could try to piece the old us back together but the cracks would always be evident. Or we could try & begin & new one & see if love, intimacy, honesty & truth could be found there. We could build on a. new life together based on some new level. A brighter,healthier, mutually beneficial foundation for us both. This didnt mean my past was forgotten but it was learnt from. Did my wife learn to trust, respect & love me again overnight, absolutely not but with lots of tears, honesty, some screaming & some understanding we found our way out & into something better. It can be great but you both have to want it enough

Dan x

Dan I could have written that myself, we have had a very similar experience. I didn't ever want the old us back, why repeat something that isn't working, madness, but my gambler did put an offer of something new on the table, which I drew red lines through and reworded and added clauses and yelled and cried at until we had some agreement. And so far it has held firm. It's better than what we had before, I feel like we are a couple now, the invisible wall he built between us has gone. He will always be a CG, I will always be vigilant, he has had a slip, which hurt, but didn't terrify me, the damage he could cause was minimal because my safeguards were strong, within hours we returned to recovery and the new us, which is working. No one is more surprised with this than me.

I can't forgive or forget what either of us was before, but I do leave it in its place in the past.

Thanks for the posts.

The thing is that it isn't just me, it's the kids and in particular the eldest, who at a time when he should be flying the nest with his life shining ahead of him has instead gone from exams to being enmeshed in this, he was on the receiving end of direct lies and he's now quite low. He's superficially polite to his father but the resentment is not far below the surface, respect has been lost. And being a real if young man, he won't consider counselling.

CW

My suggestion is that's up to your husband to sort out, you maintain your own good relationship with your son and let them sort themselves out in their own manly way. perhaps let go of feeling responsible for the relationship between those two adults. Another thing the gambler has to face up to for himself. Resentment is understandable, and it's not your fault.

Yesterday I went to a funeral. It was the husband of a friend. He passed away on the day they were both due to retire from teaching & he'd only been ill for a couple of weeks so it was a shock to everyone. It was a beautiful funeral , lots of love & laughter & fond memories. The family , especially his wife & children were dignified & proud.

It suddenly hit me that this could have been me standing at my own husbands funeral if he'd gone through with his plans only a few weeks ago. How would my sons have coped knowing how their father had died? How would I have been able to explain & comfort them?

I came home to an empty house. He was at his GA meeting & I sat & thought about what has happened & I read through all the posts from everyone on here. Then I went to bed & slept like a log for the first time in ages.

This morning I felt different. I'm still sad & hurt & angry but It could be so much worse . Today, most of all I'm feeling thankful. I've put the radio on, I've got stuck into some housework & I've even been strutting my stuff & singing as Ive dusted! It's Fish & Chips for tea & a glass of wine or two.

I'm not kidding myself, I don't know what tomorrow will bring but today I've felt like me again & it felt good. Thanks for all your support & friendship. Xxx