Cant take no more!!!!

Hi Jade

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler, different relationship to yours but the addict behaviour is exactly the same.

Im sorry to see how awful a time you are having, its hell and you're going to need as much support as possible.

This is absolutely not your fault, you have done nothing wrong and dont listen to him, his parents or anyone else who tells you otherwise . You will hear this a lot, you didn't cause this, you cant cure it and you cant control it.

A compulisive gambler is extremely manipulative as you've found, they have no conscience and you will never be able to have a rational conversation with them, in their heads they can justify anything. They will blame us for anything and everything its easier to blame us than it is for them to accept the consequences of their actions.

Im so sorry to have to be blunt, its hell I know and this is why you need to get lots of support, and you've made a great start by talking to us all here, you're not on your own.

Firstly, make all your finaces water tight any wages or benefits into an account in your name only and dont ever give him access not for second, if need be change pins and passwords, you can't be too careful with this. Dont let him have access to any cards and keep yours very well hidden, do not under estimate how devious they can be to get money. Tell relatives and friends not to give him money no matter what story he might tell them. Get credit reports in his name and yours to check for any debt you dont know about. Im sure more people will be along soon to add more advice

As well as all the finacial stuff its the emotional stuff that does the most damage and this where you're going to need support, Id say firstly call Gamcare, they can help in many ways including counselling for you which Id strongly recommend, and its free. Gamanon if you can possibly go, I couldnt it was too far away but Im told by many its priceless. Tell your family, a close friend you dont have to keep this a secret, you dont have to shout if from the roof tops and your partner will definetly not want you to tell anyone but keeping this is a secret is what the addiction thrives on.

I would also suggest you tell your midwife, this is very stressful and you need to be well taken care of, Im certain she will only be supportive and understanding.

I was once told that you have to seperate love from trust and its very true, you can love your partner but dont trust him with money for a second. I love my son still do after all the heartache hes caused but wouldnt trust him for a moment, its the way it has to be with this.

If a cg wants recovery it can be done with a lot of continued hard work, the support is there for them if they want it. However one in denial is an entirely different thing and its the destruction they cause that we have to protect ourselves from. Never underestimate, the lengths they will go to be able to continue to gamble.

You must think of you and your children first

Take care

Thank you so much for you reply! You truly do not know how much you have helped me understand and how much better you have made me feel.

I will take your advice and change all my bank details and take things a day at a time. This is my last resort. I cant tell you how many times he has told me he wont do it no more.

Thank you so much for your support and helping me understand its not my fault. Just wish he would get help. He knows he has an addiction but wont even try to get help. He doesnt believe that someone can stop his addiction.

I will keep you updated and hope your advice works.

Thank you so much!!!

xx

Hi Jade,

I am here for advice for my partner who says he wants to recover, at least that's what he is saying! After reading your post, I feel bad that you are putting up with someone who doesn't even want to get help. If he doesn't have fear of losing you and kids, than is it worth you fighting this battle yourself and put your kids through this hardship?

Hi

Trust

If your partner genuinelly wants recovery tell him to call Gamcare and go to GA, and he has to be willing to do everything you ask. If theres hesitation, tries to negotaite "terms" with you or says he can do this on his own with willpower, then Im afraid hes not to be believed. He can never bet again, no lottery tickets scratch cards anything, its the mindset not the amounts of money or choice of bet .. Theres no half measures it has to be 100% commitment to recovery for life, it can be done if and only if he wants it badly enough. Only he can do this you can not force him, it doesnt matter how much we might want them to stop if they dont want to it doesnt work, they just get better at hiding it from us. And as always we have to protect ourselves from the destruction they can cause, so get get support for yourself its vital.

Jade

I know how much you wish your parnter would get help, I still feel the same about my son but unless they want it theres nothing we can do. Ive begged, pleaded, demanded but it doesnt work and ultiamtums only work if you're prepared to carry them out, if you're not they wont believe you the next time.

Its frustrating, dont they see what they're doing to themselves and us, but again that doesnt work, as Ive already said a cg will justify anything. My son once told me I was so boring I needed the excitement he created made in my life, and theres many more where that came from, some a great deal worse truelly awful and more ridiculous. What it showed to me was I was never going to be able to reason with him and Id just come away feeling more hurt, frustrated and exhausted so I stopped trying. You'd be suprised the utter rubbish they can justify.

My son is nearly 21 so hes still young but an adult all the same and makes his own decisions as does your parnter, it doesnt matter what they choose to do its still their choice rightly or wrongly. They're also really good at telling us what they think we want to hear, just enough to get us off their backs, dont believe anything with out proof. If you ever feel something isnt quite right but you not sure what it is I guarantee, that gut feeling you're having is right, dont ignore it ever !!

Im sorry to say but we are not a cg's priority no matter who we are, the pull of the addiction is stronger. Again this must be about us, we have to put oursleves first.

Take care

Thanks Phoneix for your advice, I can't imagine how hard it must be when it's your own child going through this illness. He tells me he wants to recover but how am I supposed to know whether he really means it? Unfortunately trust isn't something we have in our relationship at this point

Hi Trust

You dont have to trust him with this, and you shouldnt for a moment. I was told to seperate love from trust and its so true, I still love my son as much as I always have but Id never trust him with anything related to this. Trust has to be earned and if they want you to believe them you need proof, if they're not prepared to give that proof then they're lying. My son used to say "so you dont trust your own son" and I used to feel awful how can I doubt my own child but its part of the manipulation, they do lie over and over. It took a while but I got over it and told him I didnt believe him, I stopped feeling guilty that I was doubting him.They can look you in the eye swear black is white and get you to believe it.

Cynical Wife has said, she trusts her husband with her and their childrens lives but doesn't trust him with money, theres nothing wrong with that it helps him recovery and reassures her. A cg in recovery should be willing to accept that you dont trust them.

Recovery is possible with 100% commitment, GA counselling and lots more practical things can be done to help but its only if they really want recovery, half measure dont work. You'd never give an alcoholic one drink, and expect them to be ok, a cg cant gamble, ever.

Trust is usually something that is vital in a relationship, but not when it comes to compulsive gambling, you dont have to trust them and you shouldnt, its not a bad thing its necessary.

Take care

Thanks Phoneix for all your time and advice. At the moment I'm struggling to even sit face to face with him and have a chat and find a way to move together. I'm just so disappointed that he couldn't come to me and share his urge rather then giving in and ruining everything. I'll paste my thread here to give you the full picture

Morning Everyone

this is my first time on gamcare, after reading some helpful advice, I decided to post. I'm hoping you guys can assist me to move on.

My patner was a gambler and drug user before we met. He moved to a different town to be with me and start afresh. Since we are together he has given up the drug. We been together for 3 years. He is a great father to my children and a great husband. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

He dint gamble until last year when he gambled £1500 in a day. It was a relapse and he wasn't proud that he disappointed me. I was understanding and try to get professional help but unfortunately there was a long waiting list. By the time they got back, we dint bother as there dint seem to be any problems.

Though after the incident, I took over the finance and restricted his access to any money. He dint mind that and was happy with that arrangement. He gets cash and hand and was giving me his wages regularly. So I dint have any concerns.

I have recently started working and only yesterday found out that, he told me, that he has started gambling since I have gone to work. He borrowed from work colleagues and his family around £2000 and being gambling for past few weeks. He was still giving me his wages so that I don't find out. So I had no idea. Nobody knows he is a ex gambler. The reason he told me because he took money from my bag yesterday and also money out from bank.

Actually I started trusting him and he had full access to all cards and everything. If he wanted he could have taken everything ages ago. Only reason he dint cz he didn't want me to know. He works during night and home during day when I'm not around. I don't know what to do. How can I trust him again. He seems genuinely scared that he is going to lose me and me to give him a last chance. I love him with all my heart and he is a very great father and husband but how do I deal with this. I have already arranged counselling for myself and I didn't even have a chat with him since kids around. Please tell me how I can control him borrowing from others if he gets the urge again. Financially now we are proper broke and it will definitely impact our lives and relationships. What to I do!!!

pful advice, I decided to post. I'm hoping you guys can assist me to move on.

My patner was a gambler and drug user before we met. He moved to a different town to be with me and start afresh. Since we are together he has given up the drug. We been together for 3 years. He is a great father to my children and a great husband. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

He dint gamble until last year when he gambled £1500 in a day. It was a relapse and he wasn't proud that he disappointed me. I was understanding and try to get professional help but unfortunately there was a long waiting list. By the time they got back, we dint bother as there dint seem to be any problems.

Though after the incident, I took over the finance and restricted his access to any money. He dint mind that and was happy with that arrangement. He gets cash and hand and was giving me his wages regularly. So I dint have any concerns.

I have recently started working and only yesterday found out that, he told me, that he has started gambling since I have gone to work. He borrowed from work colleagues and his family around £2000 and being gambling for past few weeks. He was still giving me his wages so that I don't find out. So I had no idea. Nobody knows he is a ex gambler. The reason he told me because he took money from my bag yesterday and also money out from bank.

Actually I started trusting him and he had full access to all cards and everything. If he wanted he could have taken everything ages ago. Only reason he dint cz he didn't want me to know. He works during night and home during day when I'm not around. I don't know what to do. How can I trust him again. He seems genuinely scared that he is going to lose me and me to give him a last chance. I love him with all my heart and he is a very great father and husband but how do I deal with this. I have already arranged counselling for myself and I didn't even have a chat with him since kids around. Please tell me how I can control him borrowing from others if he gets the urge again. Financially now we are proper broke and it will definitely impact our lives and relationships. What to I do!!!

How are you getting on, Jade?

CW

Hello Jade, I'm in exactly same position too. Our children r 10 and 13 years old and they've been put through a hell because of my husbands addiction.

I have also changed all my bank details and block the sites to avoid online betting but it wasn't enough as after him begging me on his knees he made me remove all that blocks! Making promises and so on and on...

I'm now planing to put some block on all our home devices and put the blocks back on my bank cards.

I'm also planning to take on personal loan to cover all of his debts which by the way are in my name and then I ll have only one monthly payment of £150-£200 a month. I won't b telling him of my actions and just leave him to it for now until he can cool of.

He is very angry at the moment and I don't know where all this will end. We both have a secure jobs but we literally live from pocket to pocket. He stopped communicating with me, I feel there's nothing left for us anymore but I'm staying hopeful and somehow strong....

Wishing u and your family well! I have no advice to give u but unless he wants to change whatever u do it will not be enough, I'm going through this for the past 5 years