Hi there. I found out on Saturday that my husband of 10 yrs is a problem gambler all online sports betting. He has lied and deceived me, hidden money from me, happily let me use my much smaller income to support our 2 children and run up debts on credit cards and loans. He has also tried recently to get us to remortgage with the aim of taking some of the money himself.
My main question is what can I do to stop him taking our money. His wages will be paid into our joint account. His parents have stepped in to pay off the debt and we will pay them back. He says he has self excluded but I don't know how long for. He needs to pay for hotels etc as expenses in his job but I don't want him having a credit card again.
Does anyone have experience of using chargecards or basic bank accounts?
He wants me to trust him with our joint account but I am so scared. We were close to our overdraft limit last month and I don't want him relapsing and using this.
Is there any way to bar him from applying for credit cards?
I am worried I will exhaust myself if I have to keep checking the joint account and running credit checks to see if he is gambling.
Also is it worth going through the list of online bookies with him and ensuring he self excludes rather than relying on his word.
I just don't trust him at all now after years of lies.
I feel panicked spending any money and just want this feeling to go away.
Hi LouiseB, welcome to the forum 🙂
I'm sorry to hear this & would suggest you get some professional advice...Maybe ring the helpline & see what they have! My advice is stick to your guns & don't trust him! A CG in recovery will do anything & everything they can to stop gambling, him wanting control of the joint account rings alarm bells! My damage wasn't done online so I don't have much to offer although I have used credit cards with no cash withdrawal facility (Barclays do one)...He could probably safely carry one of these with the CVV number scratched off the back for his hotels! Hopefully some of the ladies will be over in a bit as I believe there is a way of getting notices onto credit files but the remortgage is not good & I wonder if the kids have anything in their name that has been abused.
The general advice is not bail a gambler out, the practicalities aren't always that straightforward but I would suggest that the money he has borrowed from his parents is for him to pay back, not you! & as for that list of online bookies, it's a joke, there are hundreds...Good news is, you can download blocking software (K9 is free but there are loads of paid versions that may work better) or get controls through your broadband provider to prevent him accessing them. Anything you can do to make it harder for him to gamble is a must but as you have discovered, we are sneaky & manipulative so don't trust anything until he starts proving himself. The debts aren't yours so try your best to carry on with your money as you were.
If he were my husband right now, I'd want to see a lot more effort than what you have recorded & you should get as much information as you can so that you can make an informed decision about what you expect from him & how you want to move forwards.
I can't imagine what you are feeling & would really recommend telling a loved one or two for support @ home (regardless of what he wants), calling the helpline & if possible getting to a GamAnon group where you will find other people in your shoes.
Stay strong & try to look after you - ODAAT
Morning,
Can relate to you paying for everything whilst he gambled his wages behind your back - we did that one. When it came to light, I thought that I had "Mug!" running through me like a stick of rock but it's all too easy to believe the lies. And active CGs have you in such a fog of manipulation that you doubt your own judgement and you can't tell what's black and what's white.
Start with the three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Your expectations of what you can achieve should be realistic, you must protect yourself in financial terms (HL has given you the lowdown) and you can with his cooperation support him with the blocks and barriers. But you can't "make him stop" in the same way that you didn't "make him" gamble.
Focus on you and what you need to cope with the situation that you're in. GC are a phone call away, GamAnon meetings have helped me hugely, also tell a few people that you trust so that you can vent. On the basis that knowledge is power, it's really important to educate yourself about compulsive gambling. If you read both sides of the forum, you'll see the behaviours described over and over and if you know to expect manipulation, it makes it a whole lot easier to deal with it.
re trust, the harsh reality is that he can't be trusted. We operate on that basis, he doesn't expect me to. The GamAnon advice is to separate love and trust. I trust my doctor, I trust my colleagues who work in Accounts, I trust the clerk at the bank but I don't claim to love any of them. I don't trust my husband with money (he can be trusted with the kids). Also, gambling isn't down to a lack of love but the addict selfishness takes over and the behaviour is less than loving.
Hope this helps,
CW
Wow thanks for taking the time to give me advice. We have a plan using some of your ideas so thanks so much. I will set up an account structure to minimise what he can spend and transfer the rest to me where I can take care of all the household bills. Reduce joint AC OD to nil. He can have a monthly Amex chargecard as these can't be used to gamble online (I know he can skip round this there are ways but it will stop the immediate temptation and as it has to be paid off in full monthly it can stop accumulated debt whilst allowing him to pay for work expenses). Used noodle and I have all his log ons to check his credit status. I have reviewed the extent of the problem and got him to wake up to why I can't trust him. Just frustrated that there's not more help. The bank are c**P I had to plead to get an appointment tomorrow rather than in a week and had to speak at the counter which was embarrassing. Half the self exclusion email addresses on the responsible gambling website don't work and many companies require you to log on to self exclude. Bloody barclaycard pester you with some spiel about long customer relationships and dangle rates and 'havent you got any spending plan's in front of you. I have closed all my credit cards bar one too and I just think they are really inappropriate when you try to close the account. Rant over! I know it's not the lenders to blame for our financial problems but now I am so aware of the issues of easy credit.
Thanks once again everyone.
Wouldn't it be easier to block the computer and devices that he uses? I use GamBlock and others use the parental controls from their ISP, you have to set the password. My husband doesn't carry a smartphone, he uses a phone and text brick.
If he's determined to gamble and not cooperate with the blocks, that's his decision. Yours is about how much addict behaviour you are prepared to accept, willingly and unwillingly.
Take care,
CW
I haven't looked at the advice above but these ladies and gents generally are amazing. I only joined a week ago and already feel much stronger less insane and more positive.
(Our r.ship might be over but hey ho)
Firstly, I'm with sky. I rang. And they advice you in your sky.com settings to change to 13 restricted. This stops P**n etc.. but to restrict actual betting you have to do each site individually. So get 2 browsers. Open all history or just type sports betting. If he is connected to your browser he can not do it.
Self exclusion is tricky. I want to know if you can ring as a spouse and have answers.
Good luck with this. And the future x
I haven't looked at the advice above but these ladies and gents generally are amazing. I only joined a week ago and already feel much stronger less insane and more positive.
(Our r.ship might be over but hey ho)
Firstly, I'm with sky. I rang. And they advice you in your sky.com settings to change to 13 restricted. This stops P**n etc.. but to restrict actual betting you have to do each site individually. So get 2 browsers. Open all history or just type sports betting. If he is connected to your browser he can not do it.
Self exclusion is tricky. I want to know if you can ring as a spouse and have answers.
Good luck with this. And the future x
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