Hello,
I’m not sure if I’m asking this in the correct area of the forum 🙈
I’m looking for some advice and experienced suggestions to help support my husband.
After almost a year apart from my husband after his relapse, I have decided to let my husband come home, so we can try again. He has suffered with a gambling addiction for our entire relationship (16 years, we started dating in school) during the past year he’s started therapy and working on his mental health. We’ve had a couple of tense conversations about the transparency of his money & wages. He’s said he’ll transfer his wages to me every month & can be hesitant when I say I want to be able to get onto his bank too. He seems more worried that I’ll look on his bank activity over the past year, rather than me monitoring it moving forwards.
My concern is if people send him money to his bank, I wouldn’t know & seems like a place he can hide it.
I don’t want manage him, I want him to manage his addiction and I can check occasionally that he’s managing - does that ever work?
Is sending me his monthly wage enough?
How do other couples manage this?
Hello,
I’ve recently given up gambling following a heavy 4 year stint.
I would suggest opening a new account closing the old and starting a fresh. I have agreed to give my partner my wages but I would also feel uncomfortable if I new he could look back at all my spends ( the thought of doing that myself terrifies me) let alone anyone else.
good luck.
Hi lanon some disagree over finances. What works for me may not work for you. In my experience there is no 100% foolproof way to control. The only way is when the gambler accepts defeat.
initially my husband said yes all money to me, his salary direct to me, but he still had a bank account and gambled loans.
when he finally admitted he had to stop he handed over everything. Cash and receipt. Now he has a bank account which his money goes into, there is a standing order most of the money comes to me. He has a card you can’t go overdrawn with, online needs dual confirmation. I check his account when he asks me to.
I financially severed myself from him. That meant we became ‘tenants in common’. That protects my share of the house, I had to make a will as well. It’s a safety net so no one can take my share of the house plus safeguards my children so he can’t sell the house.
for me I had to accept I can’t control him, can’t stop him gambling. The only thing I could do was safeguard myself. I used to go to meetings which really helped me. My meeting didn’t restart after covid. It’s not been easy and crazy at times. In my opinion access to money is key.
just protect yourself
Hello. I'm on day 2 of my partner coming clean (not by choice, but because I found out). I now have full access to his one bank account and his Experian credit report. The plan is for me to have total control over his wages for the foreseeable, he asked for that. I think I'll be monitoring his bank account for life. We're making a plan for paying the debts off. We've agreed that he'll tell me when he starts plotting about opening a secret bank account, which he already started plotting about.
I haven't a bloody clue. But my gut instinct was that I have total transparency and at least temporary control for the foreseeable.
Please don't think I'm telling you what to do. But I think you've got to assume that nothing has changed and that he can't do it himself. No point wanting him to be an adult and not wanting to act like the parent. I totally get it but I equally I don't think my other half is capable of having access to any online money for the foreseeable. So me and him are gonna work on the assumption that he cannot be trusted and we're gonna manage things.
I truly hope this comparison helps.
Sorry me again rambling, I think what I'm trying to say is, total access to accounts and credit report, as well as wages is a non negotiable (in my honest and fairly clueless opinion)
Hi LAnon,
I feel like I’m hearing some discomfort from you that you’re not seeing all his finances, but you’re not sure if this discomfort is reasonable? Especially as your husband is reluctant? Trust your instincts!
In my experience (married to a long term gambling addict), reluctance to show you ALL financial details is absolutely linked to a desire to be able to hide future gambling. It may or may not be conscious (it wasn’t in our case) but with hindsight, the fact that I didn’t have full view of his financial dealings was the thing that enabled him to carry on hiding this growing problem for years.
Our financial situation is now difficult, not to mention all the other fallout...
I was definitely naive not to find out more when it was a smaller problem, so it’s great that you’re seeking information now.
In my experience , if he makes you feel bad for asking for information, it’s because there’s something he doesn’t want you to know about. Which is a flag that you should find out more about it, if you’re considering a future together.
I wish I’d asked more questions and insisted on continued access ten years ago. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes!
Things I’m glad I did include
- his wages getting paid directly into our joint account, so they don’t even pass through his own account. We have kids and are reliant on that income.
- savings in my name so he couldn’t access them
- making sure any joint assets can’t be accessed without my knowledge
I’m sure everyone has a different level of involvement- like you say, you don’t want to manage him - but if you have kids or other joint responsibilities, you also need peace of mind.
Or as much of it as you can get…
Wishing you luck (and persistence!)
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