What should i do

Hi Casst 

Thank you for sharing your story on our forum and i am sorry you are experiencing this challenging period of time in the family home. It sounds like you are certainly doing your part regarding tackling your wife's problem as you are both restricting her access to money and trying to avoid feeding this problem further. 

The most helpful thing an affected other can do is remain consistent with the boundaries you have put in place so to protect yourself and your daughter as much as possible whilst gently urging your wife towards contacting us for support herself if and when she decides to change her problem gambling behaviour in the interest of herself and those around her.  

If you would like to discuss this in greater detail and seek further support then please contact us 24/7 on either our netline service or freephone: 0808 8020 133 we will look into other support options available to you through our service and our partners. 

Kind Regards 

Tom 

Forum Admin 

Hi Casst and Welcome.

You will get plenty of educated advice here.

You will need to start learning about this addiction as a drug addiction and you will need to protect yourself financially as a first step.

Im not saying your wife is a bad person. I am saying that when addicted she has no control over her own mind. The desire or urges she has take priority for her even though they will destroy her and take your family along for the hellride.

Im afraid to say that you will need to strengthen up in the face of this addiction and I dont know whether you are ready to face whats needed.

How is she finding ways in? They need to be shut down so she has NO access to cash, cards or gadgets above a monitored housekeeping or sandwich allowance. I'm afraid to say that's a very small allowance with receipts provided. You see her credit reports, make sure your name can't be added to loans and do the self exclusion process with her.

Any money not accounted for you can assume she has been gambling

Awkward?? That is NOTHING compared to what a gambling addiction will do to your household and family. I liken living with a gambler to leaving all your doors open...keys in the car door..... with a note saying feel free to take what you want. There will be no security or peace of mind

If she fights you mentally over this you have a real problem on your hands....remember that a gambling addiction acts just like a substance abuse  addiction

I wouldnt live with a gambler and Ive been one. She needs to be in full recovery with no moans or grumbles. She needs to be ready to stop or you can do little to help.

This addiction can be beaten into history but you can never be complacent again.

Im sorry to say that she need ultimatums as a reality check. You tell her again that gambling is not acceptable to you and it will cost her the relationship. Its a time to toughen up as hard and cold as that seems. I know you love her but you have to be fully aware what you are dealing with here

Its about saving her life and any quality of life you have...do you understand??...Phone Gamcare again as many times as you like and build a support network from family and friends.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Dear casst it's a great shame that you are here. You need to protect yourself financially. Your wife can sign up to gamstop for 5 years which restricts online uk sites (not all).

access to money should be cash and receipts to the penny. I personally don't have any joint accounts. You can seek real life support from a Gamanon meeting. Go to their website and find a local one to you. Go and learn how to cope and what has helped others.

unfortunately your wife will find a way to gamble if she is determined. You can offer emotional support but not financial. Do not pay debts, your money is for everyday living. If she has debt she can seek help from stepchange. If you continue to help financially she can get more credit and continue to gamble. She has to realise this is unacceptable. There is help for her via gamcare or a GA meeting. She needs to take responsibility and find something else to do with her time. You need to focus on yourself and securing your finances. Get help it's almost impossible to suffer this alone.

Thank you for the responces. After much research previously she has no access to money except for basics for baby etc and restrictive sites on all devices in the house she has access too but she has even used my mobile phone and gone into my wallet when im asleep.

I thank you all for the advice and will make it even harder for her but she is now aware it can't happen (hope i am wrong but heard it all before) and i hope she seeks help.

Hi 

I'm a recovering addict my self and I can sympathise with you on the emotional turmoil this causes. Sadly I don't know what it's like in your shoes but I do hers. 

I thought having a baby would help me stop too, sadly the financial burden it had actually made it harder for me to stop. I worked so much I missed a lot of his early year, was over tired and since all the money I earned went to bills etc. I found my self trying to find extra money by gambling. I don't ever regret for a second having my son. I do regret not seeking help from others sooner as I almost lost everything. 

She may come over as not caring about the problem but she could be hiding the real feelings. The closest ppl to me had no idea I was so unhappy, or had a problem. They thought I just hated my work so much that it made me an angry person but it was actually my addiction that caused that, and a small part problems at work. But once I eventually spoke to my family and partner I've stopped gambling for over 3 months no urges no mistakes. Anger levels dropped. Happier at home and work. 

Sadly until she is willing to allow others in to help you need to try and be strong but please don't push her away, it's a horrible feeling being a addict and not wanting to be but hiding it everyday to protect others from ur selfishness and pain is something she deals with constantly. I was a addict for ten years now want to be free for the next 50+ years if I get to my 80s that is. Hope this helps in some way knowing ur not alone and neither is she.