30 years is a long time.
I am 40, and have been gambling since I was around ten years old on 2p Fruit Machines.
I am a professional person with a good job but my personal life and finances have always been a complete mess; I have debt that I avoid like the plague, some stretching back twenty years, I owe fortunes to friends and my parents, who relentless bail me out to the point of pushing their own finances to the extremes. I own nothing; I have no home, car or any material possessions of value; every relationship has been compromised and tainted through me gambling, plus I have got several partners into debt without paying them back. I have spent around £400,000 I would say……
I pay them back and then I borrow again, and then I don’t pay back, month after month, year after year. Things really have got to breaking point - I have let my parents and friends down for months - I am also organizing a big family party which I promised to pay for and organize for everyone. I don’t think I can do it - I don’t think I have enough which means 200 people are going to be let down.
I have known people that have taken their own lives and judged them very badly - I see it as the coward’s way out rather than facing up to your problems. But last night, I found myself standing on a bridge, wondering whether plummeting into the icy waters was the only way out - I had reached a level where there the emotional stress, pain and relentless worry made every waking thought more painful than I could imagine, and I wanted the pain to stop.
But I didn’t, and went home. I expected to feel even worse this morning but I strangely feel brighter and more positive. I don’t honestly feel I can fall any further - people speak on here about reaching “rock bottom”; maybe this is mine. At the moment, I absolutely, thoroughly, despise gambling in every way, shape or form - the very thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.
I have said it a million times, over and over for thirty years but this really is it for me. I cannot begin to comprehend how I could ever gamble again - it has almost destroyed me, and it has almost taken my physical being as well. I don’t want to die, I want to live - letting people down and upsetting them so much is unbelievably hard to bear; I can’t process it, I can’t stomach it, but I’ll have to, I’ll have to otherwise it is all over for me.
Hi Graham
What an honest first post. I must say you sound like you have reached your rock bottom and the only way to go now is up.
You say it "almost" destroyed you. I think that is the word "almost". You can now start again along a different path. The last 30 years has brought you to this point mainly down to this addiction however the next 30 without gambling could be the best years of your life. Imagine looking back on this post in a few years gamble free and seeing the start of your new life. Well it really is within your ***** now to turn it around.
There are some great experienced people on this site that will help- James P will hopefully give you some excellent advice and he has been free for about 6 years now.
Gamcare have a counselling service if you feel that might help and if you start a diary on here and post as often as you can you will get some amazing support from others (like me) in a very similar situation.
Draw a line on whats gone before and accept whats gone is gone. This will help in moving forward gamble free.
I have been free from that addiction for 78 days and each day has got better and easier and my life is not in gamblings evil clutches anymore. Even though i am still dealing with the financial side of what I have done, I feel liberated and positive and my family has noticed the changes.
I hope you give yourself this same chance.
Best wishes
Linda
Linda, you're an Angel and an inspiration, thank you so much. To be here, helping others as you have, shows that you have a good heart. Thank you so much.
I have read some of JamesP's posts; I can't believe how much time and effort he puts into his replies; he has a unique way of summing people up and putting everything in a nutshell which is awe-inspiring and heartwarming.
I will heed your words, and give this my all.
Hi Graham
I agree about james P- its like he knows you without actually knowing you!
That just goes to show how similar we all are, even though we have different lifestyles, hobbies, families and priorities, with compulsive gambling we are all in the same boat!
One saying (we use it a lot on this site) I repeat to myself when I get the urge- "I cannot win because I cannot stop". This helps me get through any urge.
Linda
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