Hi everyone, this is my first time to access a public forum and to use it.
I am a 47 year old female, battling with compulsive gambling.
I have been attending GA meetings and started psychotherapy a few weeks back to help with probs that have affected me emotionally.
I was doing ok and hadn't gambled in 3 months, before that I was having recurrent slips over the course of the past few years. I was in turmoil and my gambling affected me badly on an emotional and even physical level.
I could see how I was going around in circles and I was scared that I couldn't stop.
One day I said to myself only I could stop this from happening...so much of my life felt controlled by other people and outside forces, so I just decided to try really hard to put certain things in place to stop me from gambling..for instance no access to money to gamble...so I gave any cash I had to my daughter to take care of for me and then got it as I needed it. I started to build myself up in other ways too...walked every day, attended more meetings, took better care of myself. Slowly things improved and even my appearance became better.
Then on New Years Day, almost 3 months since I had quit gambling for good..my boyfriend of almost 5 years ended our relationship. Absolutely nothing to do with my gambling. He just kicked me to the kerb with no empathy or consideration. Boom! I went gambling again a week later. This time I won, and I won big...thousands in fact. I practically ran from the casino with the money promising myself never again and that I would use the money wisely.
I bought a new piece of equipment for the home that was badly needed and brought my daughter on a weekend away. I paid off some little debts and got some other things and brought my son for dinner...it felt good to have some spare cash for a change. The rest I put away for emergencies.
Well all good you would think....nope, not a chance. Yesterday I took that 'Emergency money' and gambled it all, lost every last cent.
Here I sit today with enshrouded with shame, guilt, panic because I'm broke again, and all I can feel is misery and hopelessness.
I miss my boyfriend SO much, despite the way he treated me....I feel I am in a black hole that I can't get out of and it's going to take me ages to get any money together again. Let me just stress I have a fear of being broke...growing up my whole life was abut scarcity and about 4 years ago I was homeless and lived a very tough year..not through gambling but other personal issues.
So here I am with my fear of being broke actually it seems making me even more broke.
Wouldn't you think that the fact I had some money there that I won, it would have stopped me from being so stupid again and leaving myself in the situation I most fear.
A friend at GA told me it is a disease and I am an addict so it's not about the money..I do accept I have a problem and maybe he is right it's not just about my fear of being broke which initially sent me to casino's but now it's bigger than that.
Thanks for taking the time to read my message. I just hope by being here it will get me outs of the pitts of despair and give me hope...I know I can't get the money back that I lost but when I think of the things I could have done with it....the guilt and the sheer annoyance at myself is unreal!
Hi Alannah, welcome to the Forum and well doen for sharing such an honest and heartfelt post,
This is a very complicated affliction, but the essance of why we gamble boils down to two reasons, either wanting to "numb out" life's trials and tribulations, or wanting to experience the euphoria of winning money. From how you write, you have experienced both scenarios my friend.
The problem with winning money, whilst you are trying to "numb out" your problems, is that you are left with the same set of issues once you stop, win or lose. They may lessen slightly if you have a big win, but you are still the same at a subconscious level and if you lose, you have a whole set of new problems to add to the ones you had before.
You are relatively young by today's standards my friend, and you come across as a decent, kind and intelligent person. Life will throw these things at you from time to time - I gambled for twenty years before stopping over five years ago; it is hard to accept that you don't have an outlet to forget your woes, but you know in your heart that gambling, win or lose, will just add to them in the long run.
The key to dealing with these things is by being proactive and not to bury your head in the sand. The man you lost clearly wasn't the person you thought he was so try not to let losing him get on top of you my friend - you deserve better, and you don't need that kind of person in your life. It is hard, but you need to push yourself to look forward; make some plans of what you want for you and your children for the next five years - ok, you are not in a great financial state, but, even if you hadn't lost your emergency money, it would still have taken time to take your life in a different direction - nothing has really changed on that score my friend.
Your friend at GA is right to an extent - it is all about the euphoria as opposed to the money itself; if you win, all it does is make you crave it more than ever, which makes smaller stakes meaningless and you are suddenly are gambling at much higher levels to experience it (which invariably leads to losing). If you lose, then you face soul-wrenching desperation to get it back again, which invariably leads to losing more and then spending money you don't have.
Alannah, you need to draw a line under your past and accept who you are my friend. Gambling will always be a lose-lose scenario for you and always will be; you made a strong start by doing three months, well done for that, but now is the time to raise your game my friend.
You are relatively young as I said, you are a good person, you have two children who you care for deeply; things aren't great at the moment but they are not bad either - you have a platform, a foundation to build on and you can get there my friend. Look at yourself and how you feel - are there any gaps in your life? There are always options when it comes to meeting people.
If you do carry on, then you have to ask yourself what the endgame is - how would you feel, posting here, aged 57? You may have more regret than you can cope with and have affected relationships with your children and future partners - you don't deserve that fate my friend, you deserve to have a happy, fulfilling life but the need and want to change must come from inside you, even if it is the last thing you want to do some days.
JamesP
James, thank you for your welcome and for your reply.
It's made me feel so much better already and has given me what I need so much at this time...hope!
It is definitely true about the 'Numbing out' but also as you so effectively put it, the 'Euphoria' of winning money...especially when I have struggled with 'Money' issues all my life.
I will make a determined effort to raise the bar and draw that line in the sand. You are so correct in what you said about issues still being present and still being at the same subconscious level even if I win....when I won that money I felt good about it, but it didn't make me feel better re; my problems and issues in my life....and I was still struggling deeply.
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