6 YRS SON STILL GAMBLING

Hi Jason

My son is a compulsive gambler. I think you like me realize that what you have been doing is not working. The problem is that you are coming from a place of rationality (non addict) and he is irrational while in addict mode.

I have been where you are more times than I care to admit. I would flip flop between furious and resentful to so very sad. Unfortunately we know what the answer is it's just sooooo hard to do. He will not change until he has to which means you are going to have to be the one to change.

See if you can find a support group such as Gam Anon which can help you learn to look after yourself by making healthy boundaries. You change you and let him work on changing himself when he is ready.

Take Care

Cathy

Hi Jason

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this right now. Gambling addiction is devastating to everyone around. 

I am a cg in recovery so maybe able to offer advice from a different perspective. It sounds like you're son is in the middle of  throes of gambling and no matter what you say or do, he won't stop until he wants to commit to stopping, regardless of what you or anyone else says. 

He is very lucky to have you and family supporting him and trying to help him. Unfortunately all of this is fruitless if he doesn't want it. It makes me sad saying this but active gamblers are manipulative, liars and will do whatever we can to keep gambling despite the world falling apart around us and leave our loved ones to pick up the pieces. We are also very good at blaming others for our problems and saying it's their fault. The main thing is to know that none of this is your fault, we all have choices about our actions and unfortunately they are bad choices, but they are our choices. No one has held a gun to our head and made us do anything, we have done that all on our own. 

It sounds like your son has a loving family who cares a great deal but from my own experience and hundreds others on here, often tough love is what is required. My mum bailed me out on numerous occasions but this never helped as this just gave me a pass and I continued. It's only once she put her foot down and basically said I'm on my own did the realisation of what I was really doing sink in. Having to face the consequences to my actions and dealing with them with no bailouts was my realisation to the utter depths I had thrown myself in. Only then did I face up to having a problem and seek help. It seems horrible at the time and this definitely won't be easy, as a parent I can imagine it is one of the toughest things to do but Today I am grateful for the tough love as without it I'm not sure where I'd be today. 

Being there emotionally to support is great but you also need to look after your own wellbeing. As you probably know from the situations you've described, when actively gambling your son can't be trusted and will tell you whatever you want to hear to get what he needs so you can't trust a thing he says, not until at least he actively shows you he really wants to stop by getting robust blocks in place and that includes not giving him money to buy things. If he needs them that much he will gratefully receive whatever it is you buy him, if not then there is likely only one place the money is going and that is straight into the bookies hands. 

I hope you get the support you need and that your son faces up to his problems.

best wishes 

Bex

Hi Bex

Thanks for your advice ,I guess I just wanted to be told that .The thing is I think he trys but maybe not hard enough ,he has Gamstop but finds a way around  it he has banned himself from bookies but stil goes into the shop where they don't know him, Its just so sad he wont visit family has very limited friends .I can go on and on .

Jason 

Thanks for your advice

We have tried and as an adult cannot force him ,we have offered to pay for treatment and  take him ,Ive suggested web sites ,visiting a doctor etc. Closing his bank pretty much everything its such a shame to see a young man waste his youth .

Jason

Thanks Cathy

Your right ,I just worry about the debts stacking up and Him being alone with nothing. No job ,no home ,no food,and what it may lead too.

Jason 

Hi Jason,

it took me years to realise the mess I had created, and even then (and after blocking everything and joining here) I just carried on.

Reading lots of stories on this forum was my wake up call. I don’t know if this is good advice and I’m no expert (especially on your side of this illness), but could you get him to read this? Could he see advice from others to you?

I think that would have blown me away at the time, but would also be a wake up call that it’s not everyone else’s fault. 

Hi Jason

Im glad my words helped some to confirm what you already know. Although it's a different situation, I as a parent, have been through a tough time with my daughter in her teenage years and her mental state which lead to self harming. I was at my wits end and didn't know where to turn as we love our kids so much and want to fix all of their problems. Sometimes we have to accept we cannot fix their problems for them and they have to be the ones to do this. What we can do is decide where we draw the line on what we will accept and make this very clear on the actions you will take and the consequences they face if they choose not to meet these. Some part of me agrees with ALN in the fact that sometimes we need a push in the right direction, although I don't necessarily think frog marching him to GA is the answer but setting the boundaries and sticking to them should help him realise the inevitable. I do agree with ALN that next time he asks or requires your help that you give him conditions for him to meet and make it very clear that if he doesn't meet them then you will not offer help in the future until he does. Although addictions are very varied, they all have similar traits and also often have similar underlying causes as well as recovery methods. Clear lines in the sand need to be drawn which shouldn't then change into blurry  lines when the addict decides they don't like them. 

There is a good chance if you do this he will become aggressive and verbally nasty, blaming you for the mess, saying everything is your fault and that as his parents you should be helping him. The main thing is to remind yourself that none of this is actually true and that this is the addict talking doing its best to manipulate the love you have for him to giving in to their demands. It will be tough and at times, heartbreaking,but it is likely this is the only way this vicious cycle will be broken. 

Wishing you all the best.

Bex

Hi Jason

He is your son ... of course you worry about debt, jobs everything! You wouldn't be a parent if you didn't. You like your son will get where you need to be when you're ready. It's a process of one step forward two steps back.

This is really hard because we just want to be told "do x,y, and z and this will go away. It does not go away until the addict decides they have had enough and their life has become unmanageable. By letting him feel the consequences of his actions he will get to that point faster.

Again please try and get to a Gam Anon meeting... you do not have to do this alone.

As for forcing him to a GA meeting ... I wouldn't bother. Try making a list of all the help (including GA meeting times and locations) available and give it to him.

Cathy

Hi Jason,

Tough love is the solution here I am afraid. He is your son but he is also a grown man. I get that you are concerned about where it may lead him but currently you are not only not helping him, your are in fact enabling his addiction. Your son certainly sounds like he has a gambling addiction and like any addict the solution has to come from within. You cannot control an addict, we will lie to ourselves if it means feeding our addiction. 

All you can do is advice him, he needs to hear straight talking, he does not need pity. This is one of the reasons GA meetings work so well. There you meet other compulsive gamblers who know the pit falls, who see the warning signs. They don't sugar coat it for attendees, no pity, just empathy. The first step is holding your hands up and admitting that the addiction has control over you and not the other way around. So someone who is forced to go to a meeting is not going to to get anything from it really as they are not ready to admit Step one.

Again I know this sounds harsh but currently you are stuck in the loop of giving him money and he goes gambling. I know he tells lies etc but people who live with compulsive gamblers will know that Trust is broken and it may never fully return. Rightly so, trust is something that takes time to earn. The fact your son works for you is not great either as he knows he can manipulate it to his advantage. If he gambles online he probably does it on his phone during work so is most likely not a productive worker.

I would not control his wages at all or pay his bills, if he wants help fine, if he is seeking out help from here or GA you will help then. But you should not baby him now. I understand you are worried about him ruining his life or worse, but again you cannot control him and you are not helping him. You cannot help him as he must learn to help himself, advice him about these forums and about his nearest GA meetings but that is it. Never give him money no matter what. If he messes up its his job to fix his own mess. No more babying him.

Hi Joe- 90

I do agree with what you have said and thanks..it was probably not the right thing to do but as a parent I chose to help.. He was gambling while living at home after a large win on the machines(first time in the bookies up to that point he had always worked part time while at school and was good at saving his money) Then it all changed. Excuses of why he could not pay us his keep ,no money at Christmas to buy presents but still a hard worker then he had to move out after a family bust up probably due to how he had changed due to gambling. We did not see him for months and actually it was like having rest bite. We in the end told him he could come home and save to get a place with his then girlfriend ,it was hard but he did it and they saved within a few weeks of moving into a rented house he had blown all his months wages and their savings and even got into her account and blew her money.. lost his job and her !We took him back and I gave him a job ,he worked hard and cleared all the loans about seven of them but the arguments over money and his attitude towards us nearly caused me and my wife to separate ,He was still gambling any spare money that he had but he was signing up to self exclusion and gamstop but there are ways around it and he found them. So he had to go again .So he worked hard saved up and moved out but still gambling all his spare money week in week out and he is a good worker he wont use his phone at work ,he is in the gym at 5.30 am comes to work most days ,then on a Friday I pay him what is left after bills and food shop and its a good sum but on Monday its all gone and not just his wages he normally then takes out a loan or sells his PlayStation( which I bought Him for Christmas ) to try and put it right but it just wont happen ! then takes the Monday off depressed ..So with the push of a button his loss becomes double his wages if not more and the debt grows. He has admitted that at times he does win but instead of banking it carries on ,then he brings it all to work for me too listen to and it starts again .He wont go to GA because we have no local meetings and always says that He knows what he has to do .It really is like banging your head against a brick wall .

Though everybody's story is different the similarities when dealing with a gambling addict are uncanny! My story parallels yours in so many ways.

My son is 30 and started gambling compulsively when he was 17. The amount of money he has gone through is obscene. He had a big "win" on one of his first trips to the casino and there was no turning back. As you have probably realized a gambling addiction is not about money... as there have probably been countless times when he has won or been up and not stopped. It is about a spiritual hole that needs filling so it is never enough.

My years of experience have taught me that no amount of anger, lectures, shaming, threatening, pleading, crying, sarcasm, or loving from you is going to stop this. He will only stop when he has run out of options. Your job is to let him fall and not break that fall?.

When we start re-claiming our lives and saying no to the chaos things generally start changing for the better.

I am so sorry... this is so sad and frustrating.

Cathy

Cathy

Thanks for you words, Its very hard as you know. He made contact today  thankfully I thought at first but His text message was as follows Broadband was meant to be paid today and gym tomorrow ,I keep trying to balance my life and bills but it always goes wrong you and mum don't deserve to have a son like me.

So then my mind just goes nuts and I start replying but its all because you gamble droning on with example after example on what he has done and how it could be so different .He is then replying with the same old stuff like most people he knows are still living at home that's why they have stuff and he doesn't ,so I explain that he knows why he could not stay at home because of the isolation and arguments brought on by gambling and that even if he had not moved out it would have made no difference as he still would have blown his money just as he does now but it wont sink in. I suggest signing up to this site ,coming round to talk to me and his mum , even signing on the dole to see if there are any benefits available for housing etc so he could just have a rest and clear his head and mine to be honest . No every little thing I say he totally ignores and not at any point does he say sorry or your right I have a problem ,just starts saying he has wasted two years working for me and there is no way he will look for another job and then says oh well another c**P summer with no money or anything to look forward too !!Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh  it drives me mad .

j   

He can find the time to travel to and attend GA meetings the same place he finds the time to gamble.

It would be an excellent idea for him to hear the war stories and listen to the straight talking he'll get from people who have been where he is and beyond. In the meantime the best and kindest thing (long term) you can do is step back, stop filling in the gaps and start letting him connect action and consequence.

Hey J

Yes it's so very difficult for everyone... including your son who most certainly does not want this addiction. It's frustrating as you think surely to God as his parent I should be able to find the words to give him that light bulb moment. The only way he will have this reckoning is when you change the dance. 

 When you engage with him he isn't listening to a word you say.  He has only one end game in mind and that is to get money. Addiction is very selfish ... it's me me me. Start small by learning to not engage. I used to block my son. I felt if he needed anything he knew where we lived and could talk face to face. The more you engage with him the bigger distraction it is for him... he can convince himself that you're the problem not him. Try and not let him hold your family hostage.

Again if you could find a Gam Anon to get some support that would really help!

Cathy