Day one of what I hope is a new and normal life – Page 19 – Recovery Diaries

stuart · 2025-11-21T22:20:25Z

I’ve gambled for over 44 years and because of some recent events I have woken up and decided enough is enough. It’s only day one and I know this isn’t going to be easy after it’s been such a big part of my life. I don’t know how my partner is ever going to forgive me let alone my children and parents. As I started when I was 12 I don’t know what a normal life is. I only know this awful way of life and addiction. Like I’m sure many others have, I’ve borrowed and lied to family, friends and financial institutions and I wish I could go back and stop it ever happening. I presume we are wired like this and everyone on here is the same. I know I have a compulsive disorder and had thought if I threw myself into work and golf it would get better. It actually made things worse . Up to two days ago I was spending 8 hours online gambling every day, 7 days per week. Christmas Day used to be a nightmare spending it with family and not gambling which I am ashamed of. I don’t know how life is going to play out but I just pray that waking up, smelling the coffee and reaching out for the help is one small step i already feel different talking to my partner. I realise it will take years to get the trust back and I can only imagine how many sunken feelings she will have that I’ve slipped back but I am determined never to again i don’t know how others feel but to self exclude took a lot for me to do. It felt like a final move but as I did it for the first time in my life I wanted to. I wasn’t thinking it was the right thing to do or pressured into it, I knew I wanted to do it The same goes for the one to one chat on here. I was dreading ringing someone and my partner said there is a chat service on here. I managed to make myself reach out on this and spent an hour chatting which really helped My partner is being utterly amazing and suggested joining the chat room tonight. I picked up some really good thoughts from this and am going to take part in as many as possible i feel that I really need the support right now and to know there is help available . I’m going to GA on Tuesday and will be going in open minded to ask for help. I need all the help I can get The last few days have been very emotional for me and I’ve cried a lot. Not easy to admit on here at the age of 56 but I have. I do feel different and that this will be a new chapter and the real me. For once everything on this diary is the truth. I want to change and I know that the demons in my head are never going to go away but it’s how to control them I would be greatful to hear from anyone who has been in the same place mentally

Fyodor

(@h0jb3fsyvp)

Posts: 43

Mad respect for you keeping up this diary and your commitment to being gambling-free.

Posted : 7th July 2026 2:25 pm

stuart

(@lp5vut869c)

Posts: 1608

Topic starter

Thank you Fyodor. One thing I've learned in recovery is the work you put in works. I needed to do a lot. On here, Evive, meetings, GA, writing and reading. All adds up to recovery and more than abstinence. It took me 44 years to stop so white knuckling abstinence was never going to work. I needed to work recovery so I don't go back

Posted : 7th July 2026 2:37 pm

stuart

(@lp5vut869c)

Posts: 1608

Topic starter

Day 230 gamble free

Really tough day. Nothing to do with gambling but more facing life now that I do that.

It's two part and really hurt today. Firstly my daughter went to the shops and she's 19. I was on the phone and didn't realise she had gone. Suddenly get a call from my other half saying she's had a seizure and is in the ambulance outside the supermarket. Never moved so fast and it was one of her focal seizures she gets through her epilepsy. I have to let her lead her own life but it petrifies me she has one in the wrong place. I won't go into details and the shop was amazing but she's been told what happened and it's not very dignified. She got upset as she couldn't go to the planned picnic with her friends as she had two more once I got home

As everything was ok and she hadn't had any more I went to my home GA meeting. Shares started and I shared something or other and went on to taking about step 8 of the 12 steps which is the one I'm on. In this step the sponsee is asked to write letters from all those harmed over the years, not just through gambling putting themselves in the other person's shoes. My son is 17 and non verbal autistic. He can't speak, understands basic English but can't write so this was hard for me to write, really hard as my kids are my world. When I mentioned this in my share I broke down emotionally. This is where this illness takes you. I adore my kids and I have gambled my freedom and be able to look after them. How do I make amends to my son when he doesn't understand.

Posted : 7th July 2026 11:28 pm