I can't tell you how much I've lost in the last 10 years on fruit machines and slot games on FOBTs. I can guess about £60k total, but I stopped counting years ago. Virtually every spare penny I've had in a whole decade have been lost to the bookies, literally tens of thousands gone chasing the occasional £500 jackpot. Then at some point about 5 years ago, it started to be pennies that weren't spare too and today, after losing another £300 I can't afford (total £1k loss in the last week) I'd like to finally say out loud (as it were) that I have a serious addiction and I can't go on like this anymore.
I have a couple of bills I can't pay this month now. If I gamble so much as even another £50, I won't have enough left this month for food and living essentials. Since the beginning of the year, I've gone from having finally owed nothing on personal loans and clearing my overdraft to being back at my overdraft limit and owing £2k on high interest, payday loans. All that progress eliminated in the space of a few weeks, chasing the buzz of crappy "bonus" features on slot games - £200 in just to get excited to see a feature finally roll in that will pay £25 if I'm lucky.
Of course, I've won my share of £500 jackpots - dozens of them, actually, over the years. Doesn't matter. One of the biggest reasons I know I have a major problem is that I stopped seeing it as money a long time ago. I can win £500 in a single spin now and all I see is another couple of hours I can gamble that day without feeling like I've lost anything when I walk out with nothing. I've had single days where I've gone from jubilantly being £800 up in the morning, feeling like I was indestructible, to tears and nausea by evening when I'm £600 down, having maxed the daily withdrawal limits on my debit and credit card.
Like most of you who post on here, I've reached the end of my tether. My life feels like it's a miserable, self-destructive mess and I don't even understand why I keep hurting myself in this way. But I don't want to - I can't - go on living like this anymore. The endless cycle of getting paid, servicing my loans, heading straight to the bookies and taking out more payday loans a couple of days later to try and cover the losses and still be able to eat for another month.
I'm not looking for advice - there's plenty to be found on this site and forum. I know what the practical steps are. Really I just posted for the moral support and so that I could say this to someone, even if it's a bunch of strangers on the internet, because it's the only way I can stop myself feeling emotionally overwhelmed and like I'm going to explode inside.
I know your pain. Its almost like a form of self harm. You know ul lose but you do it anyways.
Try using the forums as a release when you feel down. Does help. For some it even helps to stop the cycle.
Hi dmc 1218,
Welcome to the forum, and thanks for your post.
It seems like you’ve been struggling with your gambling problem for a long time; lost so much money (well over £60k), and thus finally decided to seek help by sharing your story in the forum.
I’m also glad that our forum provides such platform for you and all affected others to be able to do just that.
Even though you said you’re not looking for advice because you can find plenty from our forum, I suggest that you also try and contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and speak to one of our advisers, who will also give you a listening hear, and perhaps sign-post you to other organisations in case you’d benefit from their services too.
I can understand your anxieties and frustrations regarding your gambling problem, and I do empathise with the situation that you find yourself in. Feeling like you’re going to explode is the result of bottling up all your gambling concerns, and if nothing is done about it, it can come out at a later time with a big bang!
But when you share your story, it feels like some burden has been taken off your shoulders. It also makes you feel lighter, and that helps.
Pls. try and continue to read from our forum, and post as often as you can as well. There’s a lot of support and advice that you can get from fellow forum members too.
You’ve taken a step in right direct, so keep it up, and stay strong!
Best wishes,
Beatrice
Wellcome to recovery dmc, stick around, update your thread and pop into the chat room each evening between 8-9pm for the reassurance that your on the right road to recovery.
I gambled for nigh on 22 years, football, horses, dogs, virtual, online, bookies and my most recent vice was FOBT's particularly roulette.
I also know the pain you are in.
Seems you have come to realise that gambling only has one end, debt.
Only unknown is the size of the debt.
You can do it, I wish you well.
Hey there
Sympathise as I've certainly been there. It was fruit machines and online slots for me. Over a LONG time.
Like you it barely was about making money, just getting more gambling tokens.
It's certainly no way to live.
This site has been massive for me hope it helps you too.
Best wishes
Louis
Hi dmc I've read you story and can totally relate to it as I have done exactly the same many many times , I am new to all this as well mate but maybe we can help each other . I've been gambling for 30 years and I've reached the same point you have , you want to stop and get your life back . I found that doing your diary and talking about your gambling as much as you can will help, try the chat room as well . You can quit just take things one day at a time . Lawrence
Hi there it does seem to me as though you are self-harming. You know from long experience that you won't win money doing it yet you continue. Read this see if it corresponds at all : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-defeating_personality_disorder . You are giving money to businesses and owners that are already very wealthy. Not only are you losing money on the rigged machines, but you are also losing paying back exorbitant interest on the rip-off payday loans to fund the inevitable losses on the machines. You need to look at why you have become so numb that the only way you feel anything is by losing money on the machines / abusing yourself financially & emotionally. There are other ways to exist ! Have a read of Hunger by Knut Hamsun if you can (a novel) -a second hand copy would be a pound or two off an auction site.
Immediate practical steps : it may be difficult if you have payday loans outstanding to cancel your debit cards,but I would highly recommend cutting them in two at least so you can no longer use them at cashpoints. Just live on a small amount of cash you can go to your bank with photo ID to withdraw cash over the counter when needed. When your financial situation improves (obviously pay off the payday loans as quickly as you can) report your debit cards lost at the bank & throw out the replacements. Just use cash for at least three months. This should also prevent you from taking new payday loans out as the debit cards will no longer be valid.
Hi DMC1218
Welcome thanks for posting your story. My story sounds like yours but instead of gaming my addiction was on-line sports betting. I've experienced the same feelings you describe. I came out and myself ands realised I had a problem. You've done the same, well done, I hope this is the start of your recovery.
I find this website an important part of my recovery. I recommended attending a GA meeting to meet more "strangers" face to face to discuss and face your addiction.
All the best.
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